Scared

Scared

In a weeks time I have written about bravery and grace and just being okay with the falls we experience in life and yet no matter how much I try there is an undercurrent of fear in my heart.

It’s okay to be scared right? Lately I am scared of everything. Okay longer than lately; it started when I was born. I think I was born with extra sensitivity to the world and somehow that made me more afraid of the world; well maybe not the world, but the energy and emotions in it.

img_5237

I am scared of the little and the big things.

For starters, I am scared that no matter how much I empty my heart and pour it into my writing that this blog will continue to be nothing more than a diary that is more important to me than anyone else, which is okay, but I want to be a writer so much it hurts. So much that sometimes I run and hide from my own writing and I don’t write because no matter how hard I try or much I write it will never be good enough for anyone else to read.

I am scared that no matter how much I know that God loves me and believes that I am enough;  I will never feel like I am enough. That the weight I continue to feel will only continue to grow – this weight that I feel has already manifested itself into the weight that I carry and I can feel myself waving the white flag as I am crushed somewhere underneath it all. I am scared that no matter how much I want to be seen; that no one really sees me at all.

I stopped watching the news a decade ago because if it hurt my heart then it definitely could damage my tiny son’s ears and heart, too. So off went the news, because I was so scared and my heart was so hurt by the toxins that spewed from it. There had to be better things to report. But now when we are praising men for sitting during our national anthem, when our police officers are seen as the criminals and men are shot in the street for the color of their skin and whole groups of people are killed around the world for their ethnicity or beliefs and our leaders seem filled with more darkness than light maybe there isn’t better news to report. And that is scary. So scary that when I think about the world I am terrified that no matter how kind I am or how much good I try to put into the world that the darkness in it will swallow me up whole and not just me, everything that I hold sacred; everything and everyone that I love.

Scared doesn’t begin to describe how I feel about being a parent. Failing seems to be the name of the game. I know I have taught them manners and I know they are the kids that will help other kids and be kind; that part of life I think they understand. They are really great kids. But this year my kindergarteners have been kicked, choked, pushed, shoved, yanked and called names with words I don’t even allow out of my own mouth. My daughter continues to try to navigate a place where mean is the norm. That scares the crap out of me. I have had to teach them how to fend for themselves and that shouldn’t even exist at their age. What in the heck is happening in the world that our children are behaving this way? This scares me to death. Haven’t we come to be a civilized people where we don’t have to fear for our lives every time we walk out into the world?

The chaos is gobbling up the innocence of our world. The chaos and darkness are pushing out the light at a fierce pace and I can’t help but feel helpless. And that terrifies me. How can I help my own children understand a world that scares the shit out of me? Scares me to the point that I can’t read the news anymore either, because what I read leaves me shaky and nauseous.

Yesterday as we drove home from school the kids started to talk about how they feel things they can’t see. How the current of energy runs through them. Other people’s energy. This scares me to death. They are like me, extra feel-y. I still struggle with not letting other people’s energy invade my space, my emotions, my thoughts. How am I going to teach my littles not only how to fend off actual physical threats but also emotional, maybe even spiritual ones too? They feel this same unbalanced chaotic energy in the world that I do and can’t explain how or why it is hurting them.

img_5242

I know we have to go forward and love one another and do good and continue to live our lives to the fullest and that the darkness wins when we feel fear, but sometimes that isn’t enough to stop me from feeling it. Sometimes I am engulfed in fear and feel shaky all day.

I know people who the absolute worst has happened in their lives and they continue to take one step forward; sometimes because life forces them to, but they do it. I am inspired by that and I know that despite my fear that I will continue on as I have been and do my best to do good any way, but I feel better admitting the fear.

Maybe if we are afraid together something good can come of that. Maybe acknowledging the fear leads to a way to face those things we fear and conquer them. Maybe…

Scared but hopeful,

2016-09-11_0905

 

Prelude to Holiday Cheer

Prelude to Holiday Cheer

Each year I do a fundraiser and then deliver gifts to 25 people (1 each day in December) to people who need a little extra cheer. These people usually have touched, inspired, or changed someone’s life in our community (or far away – we have delivered to Denver, Utah, and well all over actually) and they are nominated to receive one of the gifts.

I recently received an email about one of our recipients from last year. I didn’t write about her last December because tragedy struck her family just after she was nominated. I waited. I wanted her to have some space to heal and even now I am going to call her Kate to protect her identity.

Kate and her husband, like many couples, had to do extra work to become parents. They have miscarried several times and decided to take one final attempt last year. Kate and her husband were thrilled because she was expecting twins. She was put on bed rest in the second trimester. At the beginning of December tragedy struck when she lost her babies; twin girls.

The person that nominated her still wanted to deliver something, but the basket that had been prepared for an expectant mother on bed rest would no longer do at all. So I found a small business on Etsy where the woman creates angel necklaces for women who have miscarried. The name of the shop is Blue Room Gems (you can check it out by clicking here). Creating a necklace for her seemed perfect. So a new basket was crafted with this handmade jewelry and a hand-made throw. My dear friend ensured that this was delivered at just the right time to Kate.

2016-09-11_2101
Necklace from Blue Room Gems.

img_3387

Well, Kate was so touched by the basket and the gift that she took our idea and continued it. She began to turn her grief into energy to help others, as grieving mothers tend to do.

She began creating and delivering baskets of her own to women in hospitals who were on journeys similar to her own. She wanted to gift them hope and love; just as she felt she had been gifted.

The blessings continued and Kate’s story evolved and grew and the hope she felt led her to try again for a baby. Kate is expecting and everything is going smoothly as of now. Continue to pray for her and her family and I promise to keep you updated.

2016-09-11_2144
A display at “Kate’s” house with the framed phrase we included with her gift.

Kate inspired me to keep Holiday Cheer going and this year I want to help as many people as we can. I am shooting for 31 nominations so that we can gift a nominee every day in December. I know we can make it a success this year, too. This is such a wonderful way to give back; because like Kate so many of the recipients pay it forward. This sparks so many to keep giving and hope continues to grow. Our world needs hope and so here we go again with our  3rd annual fundraiser – 31 Days of Holiday Cheer!

It is easy – YOU dear readers, nominate a person you think is worthy and YOU my dear readers can donate, make, or just share this with others so that we can make this the most successful Holiday Cheer EVER!

So how does this work:

To nominate someone: It can be anyone, adult or child, male or female. The person nominated just needs to be someone who could use some cheer or just needs some hope breathed into their life. To nominate someone is easy – just email me a short paragraph about the person, with their name and why you think they should be a recipient. Then include something you think they might need this holiday season. Email me at mlmurnin@yahoo.com.

To donate: I will have several “parties” that will allow you to purchase gifts for the holidays or just for yourself or you can purchase for one of our nominees. Then I use the proceeds of these parties to purchase gifts for our nominees. There will be an online Stella  and Dot party and a Thirty-one party online. I will host a LulaRoe pop-up for those close by. And last but not least the things that worked best last year anyone can donate gift cards, cash, or even sponsor a recipient by purchasing something directly for them. Again, email me at mlmurnin@yahoo.com to arrange for donations to be collected and Like my facebook page for details about the parties.

Get others involved: Share this post with your friends, family, friends of friends, and community. I know if we have enough involvement we can raise more donations and help people even more than we did last year.

What do we need to beat? Last year we collected over $2000 in cash and gift card donations. Last year we purchased nearly $2000 in gifts and other goods. All together with hand made donations and other purchased items we topped over $5000 in gifts for the recipients.

Can we go bigger this year? Can we do 31 days of Holiday Cheer? YES WE CAN! 

I can’t wait to see what happens this year,

2016-09-11_0905

 

 

 

Legit

My heart is heavy tonight as I write my life lessons post for late June/half way through July, but I still felt this need to write so here I am.

I am going to start with the heavy.

We need to pray people…

France, Dallas, Baton Rouge, the whole globe. We need to take a moment and pray.

We ate out tonight and the family at the table next to us bowed their heads and prayed and offered gratitude before their meal. I was struck by how this simple act was so profound and healing.

We need to pray.

We need to lean in together and pray. No color, all religious preferences, all sexual orientations, just gather as humans and pray for one another.

And now on to the lighter side of things just because I feel like if I keep thinking about the heavy and the world my children may inherit if things don’t change I don’t know what…

Where does the title legit come from? Well, I have this awesome friend, Cristal and she is always saying how things are “legit” and well life lessons and life in general are just legit; I mean you can’t get more real than every day life.

We need to laugh people…

Laughter is truly the best medicine for the soul. We need to laugh and play and just enjoy the moments that we do have when we can. (Sometimes you have kids crying and shit is legit and you cannot laugh at that moment, but you will laugh later and that is the thing to remember…laugh when you can laugh). For example, one of the twins locked themselves in the bathroom 4 years ago and then seriously did it again this week. I was quick to laugh because I learned from that first lesson and that nifty little key to unlock the door this time was a life saver.

But a couple of suggestions if I may…

Download Snap Chat and play with it. My son thinks I am whack because I don’t post anything on Snap Chat, I have it just for the filters. And I say so what?! Because seriously I have never laughed so hard. And really do I need another place to post crap?

 

Because that is too legit to quit…am I right?

And play like a kid because sometimes it is just freeing and fun…

Billy Beez, I highly recommend it. It’s legit.

The family that dabs together stays together…

IMG_4706

Enough said, because they did this over and over and over and laughed and laughed.

Even dogs get excited to order Starbucks…

IMG_4890

Seriously, I think that dog ordered a latte and a lemon scone. I hope he paid for the car behind him, because random acts of kindness are legit.

Wear the crazy leggings…

So I know, LuLaRoe is kinda cray, cray the way people hunt and shop and talk about unicorns. You don’t have to get sucked all the way in…but those buttery soft leggings, I mean, I pull those on and I feel 12 all over again. It’s the 90s with Full House and Rave Hairspray. And that is worth $25 and a little embarrassment when you are wearing them at the grocery store right?

IMG_4714

But mostly do what it takes to get through…

Life is not fair. I know I have first world problems, but I empathize and understand that a lot of people do not. I know that things can be so hard. I deal with death on a daily basis and I know first hand what shattered lives look like. I know. I do.

I think we each have to do what we can to get through. To find our way.

For me, it’s knowing that I will teach my children to leave a place better than you found it, use their manners, do their best, chase their dreams and always help the person up behind them. To listen to other people’s stories.

I will work to make sure they take responsibility for their actions and pitch in and help out wherever they can. To teach them understanding and compassion in a world that so desperately needs it. And mostly to love them. But also to love my life and set the example. To be a person who shows not tells. To be a person that is afraid, but lives life any way.

And these sweet faces help keep me legit. Two of these faces turn 6 tomorrow. Two of these faces are closer to being a teen than a kid. All five of these faces are the best parts of my life. All five of these faces can drive me absolutely bat shit crazy and at the same time make my heart explode with adoration and unconditional love. These five faces get me through each day…

IMG_4893Legit.

Until next time,

Michelle

Life breathers

Life breathers

In a world that always has fire-breathing dragons we need life-breathers, too.

Yesterday was like any other day; work steadily flowing in and projects to complete, kids to love and instruct, bickering to manage, meals to prepare, guilt and stress to squelch, and of course the echoes of the outside world that sneak into our lives via radio and TV. But as life does there were some pretty amazing moments yesterday and a wonderful visit from a beautiful, sincere friend. Those are the life breathers, the moments that give my life the pick up that it needs, the moments that matter more than the noise.

Lately the world has been super topsy-turvy. But, somewhere in the world it has always been super topsy-turvy. I am like you though, I feel a bit like my nerve endings are open to the world and when I watch the news or read an article about politics I am left feeling anxious and disappointed and saddened by those people in the world whose poor choices hurt other people.

The thing that gives me hope are life breathers, the moments and people who remind me that there is love, courage, kindness, and just plain good in the world. For me yesterday when things were getting a bit crazy and I had sat at the computer long enough and the kids had bickered long enough, I dragged them on a bike ride. My daughter was less than happy about it to say the least.

As we peddled along, and she sulked along, her brothers began to laugh and smile in the open air. I praised their attitudes and got a, “WOW, mom! You are the worst mom ever!” It stung, it always does. But, then it also made me laugh. If I am getting under her skin and holding her accountable for her behavior I am doing my job. And for a moment I thought about how so many moms and dads, grandpas, grandmas, aunts, and uncles are all trying to do their job giving a child the things they need even when it is tough love so that the world can be filled with people who are compassionate, thoughtful, responsible, and well just plain good.

That in itself was a life breather, that thought filled me with hope for our world, reminded me that there is so much good out there.

We came home and my parents stopped by. They are leaving on a cruise and wanted to give the boys their birthday gifts. Just watching them interact with the boys and the joy everyone had at just being together…that was a life breather. And to top it off, the goofy moment when I was trying to get the Spiderman silly string figured out so that it would spray correctly and accidentally squirted it right at my dad’s face and the ceiling; that was a life breather. We both laughed so hard. It felt good to laugh that hard. Life is funny and that is a life breather. We need to laugh.

We sent them on their way and I filled the dinner table with plates of food I prepared; a home-cooked meal, and that was a life breather. Sitting all together as a family over food I prepared. It felt good to breathe in that life moment. It buoyed me up and reminded me how to let the little things carry the same weight as the big things, maybe even more sometimes. I tend to let my mistakes carry the most weight; in fact sometimes I think my actual body weight is proportional to the guilt I feel about what I mess up in life. It is important to allow the moments of success fill you up, too.

At at the end of the evening my dear, wonderfully vulnerable, honest and real friend came by in her pajamas. I was in heaven. That was such a life breather. She had a terrible, horrible, no good bad day and came to seek a few moments of refuge with little old me; I was almost in tears I felt so honored and thankful. We talked until midnight. Sitting and talking with her reminded me just how much people need other people. We need to be seen and loved and lifted up; it breathes life into us like nothing else can. It puts the fires out when we stop and see one another. When we stop and listen to each other’s stories and offer meaningful exchange, we change the world for the better.

IMG_4769

The bottom line is that life breathers can be little moments of happiness, peace, joy, sanctuary, ah-ha moments, or life breathers can be other people who love us unconditionally or the best part is we can be a life breather for someone else, or everyone else we meet.

Now, I know no one is perfect and thank goodness we aren’t. We would never learn anything or be even the slight bit interesting if everyone were perfect. The point being, we can’t always be life breathers, everyone once in a great while can have a fire-breathing dragon moment, that is just the way it is. But if we are life breathers most of the time what a wonderful world it would be; and what a wonderful world it is because if we really stop and pay attention and drown out the noise of the media saying, “Look here, look here” and we chose to look for the life breathers instead of the fire breathing dragons; I think you will find what I have found, there are way more life breathers in the world; way more.

In a world that always has fire-breathing dragons we need life breathers, too.

Until next time,

me

Day 17: Meet Vanessa

Day 17: Meet Vanessa

“Do your little bit of good where you are; it’s those little bits of good put together that overwhelm the world” – Desmond Tutu

unravel_7facts_2_R1more children dieunnamed-2unnamed-5unravel_7facts_1_R1dontbesorry_graphic

 

Okay so today I am going to get up on my soapbox a little bit for this one. Pediatric cancer is a cause that is near and dear to my family. I know too many lives that have been forever altered by this disease. Did you know that 3 new medicines have been created for pediatric cancer in the last 20 years and that 23 new medicines were created for adults in 2012 alone? And as you saw from the stats above there is little funding that goes toward pediatric cancer from the government or other existing cancer organizations. Unravel, which I have spoken about before is an organization that specifically raises money for pediatric cancer. We need to start paying attention to these stats and to the faces of pediatric cancer and start saving their lives.

Today’s recipient is fighting cancer and if you noticed we had an earlier recipient that is fighting pediatric cancer and we have another one I haven’t yet written to you about. Bottom line there are too many children that are fighting this disease to have only 3 types of medicine to fight it and very little funding to back new research.

And now as I step down from my soap box that brings me to Vanessa. Readers meet Vanessa.

vanessa

Vanessa  recently had her leg amputated as part of her battle with this disease. Shaleen nominated Vanessa and had this to say about her, “I have seen some of her journey on FB and it is truly amazing to see her bright smile in every single picture whether she is out and about in her wheel chair or in the hospital bed. Her huge family has been right by her side through this all. To see the love they have for Vanessa and the strength they all have is amazing!”

 

When Shaleen told Vanessa’s aunt that she had been nominated and was chosen to receive a gift she was so touched.  She wrote in to say, “[T]hank you so much. It’s definitely been tough, but she’s still here with us and despite what she’s gone and going through she’s in good spirits. She’s a tough cookie !” She also let us know that she really wanted an American Girl doll. What happened next brought Shaleen and I to tears.

I posted on my FB group page that we needed an American Girl doll for a recipient that was battling cancer. I had two donations within 10 minutes. The sense of joy and gratefulness that encapsulated my heart was indescribable. You have already seen that Elayna received one of the dolls (click here to read about it in case you haven’t read that post yet) and Vanessa was given a doll as well. Then what was even more special is my friend Rebecca heard about who the recipients were and she told her mom who then made scarves and hats for all the girls and tons of doll clothes! You elves are one amazing bunch that is for sure!

 

It gets better…Katie who donated the doll, movie, and one of the outfits took her girls with her so they could share in the Holiday Cheer and learn about doing something good for others. Check it out…

Then this transpired on Facebook after the delivery of the gift and I just had to share because this is what holiday cheer is all about!

facebook 1facebook 2facebook 3

Speechless yet…yeah I was, too.

I know I speak for all of us when I say we are sending prayers and thoughts of supreme strength to Vanessa and her family. She is a brave soul who is definitely one tough cookie. We hope that the gift brought her some joy and let her know that there are so many people rooting for her, so many people whose lives she has touched.

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

Until there is a cure,

Shaleen, Katie, Rebecca, Michelle and the holiday cheer elves

P.S. to learn more about Unravel click here.

 

May God hold you in the palm of His hand

When our loved ones move on to heaven our human hearts want the world to stop. There is a need for everything to be frozen and covered with ash gray quiet. Forward movement seems so unbefitting when we are mourning loss. We yearn for a blanket of stillness to cover the globe and keep us isolated while we adjust to a life where they are no longer physically present. And yet, somehow everything keeps moving,  changing, evolving, growing. There is an abundant amount of laughter and light that seems so out-of-place. For me it seems this must be God’s way of trying to soothe us to let us know that one day forward movement will not seem so odd. His way of reminding us that life is all forward movement. There is no pause button, no still frame except for in our photos and even then sometimes nothing is standing still.

All four of my grandparents are in heaven. My fingers shake as I write this because a world without their stories, advice, unconditional love seems a bit colder, less comforting. As each of my grandparents passed I tried to merge some of who they were into me; into my soul because if I did that then they continued to live. If I have to move forward because of the will of the world and the will of God, then it is my need to take the essence of who they were with me.

Twenty-one years ago, my grandfather (papa) went in for a routine surgery, and then I got the news he wasn’t going to ever leave the hospital again because his body had decided the surgery was not so routine. The day I heard I ran up and down the stairs in our house and did sit up after sit up. I thought if I could feel some physical pain that matched my emotional pain then that would bring harmony and peace. It did not. Time would come to pass and I would learn that nothing brings back the peace you had before you lose someone. Nothing is ever the same. I wish I could have had more wisdom in my adolescent brain that June, but I did not. For my grandfather, who was Irish to the core, I decided to move on with the importance of heritage being a core value.

papa at Salt Lake
Papa, my friend Shannon and I on Antelope Island the summer before my Sophomore year of high school. 1994ish
IMG_3072
At Coyote Reservoir probably 1992
IMG_3076
New Year’s Eve at our house in 1993 probably

He also loved his family fiercely and that too I incorporated into the fiber of my being. I know that he watches over us; his pennies from heaven are everywhere when I need them. He was also a wonderful story-teller. I think that I chose to write again because of a need to make his story-telling live on. Slowly picking up my once abandoned journals after his passing and beginning to fill them with my own stories. His picture sits at my desk and I talk to him every day. The hole he left will always be empty. I wish I had done more to remember all that he was, record his stories, ask more questions, learn more, but I was too naive and young to gather those extra memories of him when I had the chance.

My mother’s father passed on Valentine’s Day almost 8 years ago. It doesn’t seem like that, but time keeps moving propelling us forward. I had been so fortunate to see him two weeks earlier. He lived in Utah, so it was a treat that I was out there visiting friends and was able to escape away for a day and spend it with him. We visited my grandmother. Then, watched a part of the series “Earth”. We made plans for breakfast the next day and I headed back to the house my husband and I were visiting. A freak snowstorm set in that night and I was not able to get back to see him for breakfast. I called to tell him and of course he put my safety first and understood. I told him I loved him and he told me the same. As I hung up, I cried uncontrollably. Everyone thought I was crazy, but I knew I would never hear his voice again. That was the last time we spoke.

2015-11-12_0858
My Grandpa goofing around at my wedding in 2003
wedding
Grandpa toasting at my wedding in 2003
IMG_3066
Grandpa and Grandma together at my wedding in 2003

When my dad called to tell me two weeks later, I sank to the ground in my kitchen. And a cruel joke that on Valentine’s Day he left the Earth, leaving behind the woman he loved so much. My grandfather took care of my grandmother as she struggled through Alzheimer’s for 12 years. His unconditional love became an example to me; to our family to love those dearest to you through anything. His goofy jokes and singing became part of his essence that I needed to carry on. A sign of his hangs in my kitchen, “A good day is not complete without laughter.” That is what I carry with me and try to incorporate into my soul. Also to always drive the back roads, that is where the good stuff happens. There is no need to take the freeway when you can avoid it.

A few short weeks later, the love of his life, my grandmother passed away. My sweet, kind, generous grandmother who fought early onset Alzheimer’s for 12 years went to heaven to be with him. My grandmother was one of the most selfless, thoughtful people I have ever met. When I would complain about how someone being rude or grumpy she would say, “Michelle, they might be having the worst day of their life. Maybe they need a little kindness.” or “You don’t know their story.” This has become a mantra of mine, to give people the benefit of the doubt, to offer kindness no matter what. She had the best giggle and enjoyed her family and grandchildren so much. She was always finding the neatest toys for us to play with. Little People became a favorite of mine for my own children because it reminded me of her house. She also was a writer; she had written for the paper in college for a brief time. She is another reason that I write. Her grace, kindness, and love of knowledge and life I try to absorb in every way.

2015-11-12_0856
My grandma with the love of her life my grandpa in the late 80s. I wish I had more pictures of her before she started to get sick. She loved to giggle and was such a beautiful person.

I call on her daily because she raised six with ease and sometimes I feel like I am drowning raising four and I long to hear her words of wisdom. My drive to help others comes in part from her.

This past Friday, November 6th at 8:15 PM my grandmother went to join my papa 21 years after he passed. That is a long time to be a part from one another, so I know they are catching up on lost time. I am grateful that she can be with him and her brothers and sister that have passed. I know she missed them dearly. But as I stood on the Boardwalk, listening to my dad tell me she had passed, the dazzling sunlight and joyful volleyball games and happy adventurers that passed and buzzed around me seemed so wrong. Why couldn’t everything stop just for a minute; my last grandparent had left this Earth. Why wasn’t there quiet and calm? Why hadn’t clouds at least dulled the blazing sun?

IMG_3065
My grandma and my dad in 2002
IMG_3061
My grandma and me in church 2000
IMG_3071
The summer before my wedding at Los Gatos Opera House 2002
IMG_3070
My grandma as always the life of the party – my wedding 2003

My grandmother talked to everyone. When I would visit in the summer, it would take us an hour or more to get through the aisles in the grocery store. The first time I thought she knew everyone and then I picked up that she was meeting all these people for this first time. She always talked to anyone like a friend, an important note that I need to gather into my soul and become one with so that she can live on through me. She also loved to laugh and was always about a good time; even though she hated parties that were thrown in her honor. It will be good for my soul to laugh even more and something I will fold into the fiber of my being so that she can continue to exist here on Earth. My grandma won everything all the time, so I know the Bingo Game in heaven will be forever changed; she is pretty unbeatable. There was a lot my grandmother didn’t talk about from her past and I know there was a great deal of pain that she carried with her from that. I hope that escapes her soul as she settles into heaven. My grandmother also loved to give back to the community, she helped with Girl Scouts, the Soup Kitchen and her church. I think a part of me knew this was coming, a need to make this year’s 25 Days of Holiday Cheer bigger and grander than the past two years a need to make a mark, a memory in her honor.

Life keeps going. We can’t stop it. We can only join it as best we can. I try to do that with my grief; warp it into a part of the person I loved and use it to move forward and pass that piece of their memory onto others I meet. If I keep pushing them forward with me in the best way I know how, a piece of them will always exist here on Earth.

May the road rise up to meet you.
May the wind always be at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
and rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of His hand.

Until we meet again,

Michelle

Unbounded

First and foremost, I am a deeply spiritual person who has a vast and limitless faith in God. Everything that I am able to carry out in this life is a gift directly from HIM. I rarely openly share my unbounded faith in the Lord. Spirituality is an exceptionally private matter that I feel resides deep within an individual and is not up for dissent from another human being. Each of us has an incredibly unique relationship with faith and spirituality and there are no right answers when it comes to this subject. And so I don’t discuss it usually because it can be a divide; something that we humans use to separate ourselves and that hurts my soul. There is no reason we should be divided over faith. Faith is beautiful, imperfect and immensely personal.

Faith

That background needed to be given before I speak more openly about the readings I do and what those experiences have taught me. First, these experiences have taught me that anything is possible and that there is always a divine purpose to the things that happen in our lives.

Secondly, I have learned that I am capable of anything with the right amount of prayer and the ability to follow that faith and intuition.

Allowing myself to follow my faith has led me to so much more than I ever could have imagined in this last year. In my readings, it has become clear that God’s love is unconditional. We are loved beyond what we could ever imagine. God never once gives up on us. That hope that we feel comes from that love. It knows no bounds. We are always enough and each time we get knocked down, God is our biggest cheerleader willing us to move forward and do better. God knows we can.

Live with pure and good intent

I have also learned that while there is a plan there is never a good reason we lose someone we love. Nothing that will soothe our human hearts. Somehow, some way when we reach the other side there is an understanding that is awakened in our souls and all is revealed. But there is never a reason that is valid to our human brains and hearts. 

 What is more, is that I believe all I do is speak another language. I am able to communicate soul to soul. We are all capable of this gift. Each of us has this ability. It is not void or missing in a single one of us. We just forget. The longer our souls spend in a body the more and more our brain and logic takes over. The more and more we operate in the physical realm. But we can all find a way to open up our souls. This is not something exclusive to me. We all have this ability. I just never allowed mine to shut down and continually cultivated the ability to speak with my soul. Just like if you learn Spanish, but you never use it you lose the majority of it. It is just like that. Nothing flashy about it.

we are lvoed

 

What I think is most important are these things: we are loved profusely, we are capable of all things; we are our only obstacle, and while there is no sensible reason to appease our grieving hearts we are forever connected to our loved ones through our souls. We are surrounded by those we love in a more emotional, spiritual plane and they are not as far away as they may seem.

Grief

I hope these things that have been revealed to me over the last year through my readings bring some peace to you.

Until next time,

signature

 

Goodnight 36…

Goodnight 36…

As I lay down my head on the last day of my 36th year I wanted to think back on this wonderous year…

In a great green life there was a book and a big, blue monster truck…

And a picture of four little kiddos jumping to the moon…

And there were two little nieces loved just to pieces…

And a pair of pooches and a little flocked tree…

And dishes and laundry and a bowl full of rush…

And a quiet wise owl whispering hush.

Goodnight book…

Read

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Goodnight blue monster truck.

Big Blue Monster Truck

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Goodnight four little kiddos jumping to the moon.

Four little kiddos

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Goodnight fun road trips and all the beaches…

Roadtrips

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Beaches

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Goodnight two little nieces loved just to pieces.

niece 1Niece 2

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And goodnight pooches.

pooches

 

 

 

 

 

 

Goodnight little flocked tree.

Little Flocked Tree

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Goodnight laundry.

laundry

 

 

 

 

 

 

Goodnight Pink-eye and good riddance.

pink eye

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Goodnight 2nd Annual Holiday Cheer.

2nd Annual Holiday Cheer

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And goodnight laundry. Why oh why are you always here?

more laundry

 

 

 

 

 

 

Goodnight twins’ first soccer season and She is Beautiful 10K Run.

soccer

She is Beautiful

 

 

 

 

 

 

Goodnight Disneyland.

Disneyland

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

and goodnight dear cousins and friends, I love you each and every one.

wine stroll

friends

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Goodnight laundry there you are again.

laundry again

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Goodnight cabin.

cabin

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And goodnight to the quiet wise owl whispering hush because I love you this much.

wise owl

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Goodnight 11 years as I know many more will come.

11 years

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Goodnight first preschool performance.

preschool

 

 

 

 

 

 

and goodnight to my 36th year it was a blessed one.

Goodnight sun

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wishing all of you another year full of love,

signature

 

 

All this Hullabaloo over Wholesome

Did you ever read Moby Dick? It was required in my 11th grade English Literature class. I will never forget sitting through class after class as my peers dissected each and every chapter noting any and all biblical references.

Those conversations were always lost on me. I always thought Captain Ahab was just a frustrated sailor who allowed obsession to ruin his life. I am simple like that and I wasn’t looking for there to be something more, on top of something more, on top of something more. I am sure the references to the Bible were there, but I had never read the Bible cover to cover, so I just saw the one simple story.

This same type of feeling has come back to me over the last few weeks as I have read blog after blog and comment after comment about what is wholesome.

You see, lately there has been a great deal of writing, ranting, debating, and well lecturing about what is wholesome. If you have missed it, I am discussing the World Vision U.S. gay-marriage conversation and also the Honey Maid wholesome family commercial.

(For more on the World Vision conversation click here and here.)

(To watch the Honey Maid Commercial and response click here and here.)

For a long time I was steering clear of this topic because WHO AM I to weigh in when there is already so much noise on the subject.

However, the articles that I have read seem to have authors whose backgrounds tend to be of the traditional version of wholesome. I guess that has just rubbed me the wrong way and I feel like it is okay for me to add my voice to the noise. So if you don’t want to read any more on this topic stop now – turn back dear reader and go back to whatever it was that you were doing before and forget you were ever reading this. If not, then I hope you don’t mind me adding my two cents.

First of all, and I know I am going to get slack for this one, but the Bible is a book. It is a collection of human recollections of events that have been translated over time. Just like any other book, movie, piece of art or even human interaction, or witnessed event perception alters interpretation.

For me I don’t rely on a book to dictate how I should feel about something. That just isn’t me. Instead I get really quiet and listen to my heart. I do this because in that quiet I “hear” God’s voice in my heart and in my soul. Those are the pieces of me that are connected to God.

What do I hear in those quiet times?

LOVE

ACCEPTANCE

UNDERSTANDING

COMPASSION

FORGIVENESS

DO YOUR BEST

IT IS ALL GOING TO BE OKAY

YOU ARE ENOUGH

LIFT OTHERS UP – DO NOT PUSH THEM DOWN

Not once have I heard –

THERE IS ONLY ONE RIGHT WAY

JUDGEMENT

CONDEMNATION

COMPARISON

I believe that God let’s us choose our own best way. She created us and all that is around us. She doesn’t judge, condemn or belittle. God knows each soul and she offers…

LOVE, COMPASSION, and UNDERSTANDING

So to me I think wholesome is love. All the kinds of love, not just our own personal acceptable standard of what love is and means. When people stand in the way of other people who are just trying to love one another that is…

JUDGEMENT and CONDEMNATION.

No one is getting hurt by two people who are trying to create a life together out of love. It has never altered the strength of my marriage or relationship. It hasn’t ever made my children think anything negative or disparaging about the world.

I do concede that we all have a right to our own opinions and beliefs, but we are not entitled to impose our way of life or belief systems onto others.

Laws are meant to protect us, to keep us safe, love isn’t hurting anyone or putting anyone’s lives in jeopardy. I think all different kinds of families are wholesome.

I also think LOVE, UNDERSTANDING, and ACCEPTANCE can change the world for the better. Coming together can do so much more than standing apart.

I would like to know that my children will get the opportunity and the freedom to love and marry whomever they chose. To be able to create a family and have that be accepted on equal footing with other human beings.

My two cents worth,

M

 

11 years…

11 years…

honeymoon

Recently at a therapy appointment, it came up that my 11th wedding anniversary was coming up. My therapist congratulated me and then asked, “Wow that is a little over a decade, is there anything you would do differently in those 11 years?”

I thought for a moment, because that is what you are supposed to do in therapy is really think about your answers. “No,” I said, “There is nothing that I would do differently. I miss teaching, but the job I have now has taught me so much about myself and provided so well for my family I am really grateful for it being a part of my life. So no I wouldn’t change a thing.”

She was pretty impressed that I wouldn’t do anything differently.

And I really wouldn’t.

engagement photo

The 5 best things to ever happen to me happened in the past 11 years. My husband and my four babies.

IMG_1821

toy story

IMG_0923

My husband, while he can infuriate me as all husbands are able to do to their wives, he is the best husband for me on the planet. I am so grateful to have him in my life. He is my best friend, a great husband and super dad.

limo

This man knows me better than I know myself. He knows when he has to get me food before I am HANGRY (hungry + angry). He knows if he needs to pick up dinner before I even call to see when he will be home. This man is truly awesome.

The other day he walked into our closet to see me sitting on the floor crying. He just looked at me with concern and I said, “I don’t think I can go out there today. I am not sure I can do this today.”

He just got down on the floor with me and wrapped his arms around me. After holding me for a minute he said, “Do you need a break?”, to which I nodded.

Without saying another word I knew he would find time for me to be one my own so that I could have that break.

He supports everything I do; he even follows my CRAZY BLOG. I love that man.

honeymoon 2

So today 11 years after we said I do, I would do it all over again, exactly the same way in a heart beat.

I do

I love you sweet husband – thank you for the past 11 years – here’s to many more to come.

Love,

Me

Goodnight 35…

“Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy-the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.” – Brene Brown.

Hapy Birthday Candles

Tomorrow I turn 36 years old, so I say goodnight 35….

Goodnight Sweet Chalkboard Drawings…

Chalkboard card

Goodnight sleeping toddlers…

photo 3

Goodnight 10 year anniversary…

10 year anniversary

Goodnight Favorite Book…Favorite Book

Goodnight Dance Class Afternoons…

Dance Class Divas

Goodnight Silly Cousin Antics…

photo 2(1)

Goodnight Teacher Appreciation Supply Cakes and Amazing Art Creations…

photo 4(2) photo 5

Goodnight First Ever Color Run…

Color Run

Goodnight Scootering for the First Time…

Scootering

Goodnight Kindergarten Graduations…

Kinder

Goodnight Beach Days, New Pinterest Recipes and Batting Cage Bravery…

photo 1(3)photo 4Batting Cage Bravery

Goodnight Golden Gate and Summer Sidewalk Chalk…

Golden Gate

Summer Sidewalk Chalk

Goodnight Cardboard Extravaganza, First Kid Trip to the Circus and Our Second Spring Garden…

photo 5 photo 4(1) photo 1(4) photo 3(3)

Goodnight Pumpkin Hunting…

Found it!

Goodnight to becoming a brunette, Holiday Cheer Inspiration, and Brene Brown Lifeclass Learning…

photo 1(5)

photo 4(4) photo 3(4) photo 2(2)

Goodnight Newport Beach Thanksgiving Sunsets…

Sunset

and Goodnight Christmas Parade Walking and the perfect Christmas Tree…

Christmas Parade

photo photo 3(10)

Thank you 35 for all the wonderful memories, good health, and personal growth. I am so grateful for this year and can’t wait to see what next year brings. Goodnight 35 because…

A day well lived makes every yesterday a dream of happiness and every tomorrow a vision of hope.

35 for a few more hours,

M