Snippets from Heaven – Part 6

Snippets from Heaven – Part 6

She was beautifully out of place.

Sometimes I believe she intended to be.

Like the moon during the day.

-D.R. Via the Minda Journal

When I was little, I just wanted to be the girl next door. You know the one who is unassuming, beautiful yet she doesn’t know it, everyone in the whole town loves her, and at the end of the story, she wins the guy by just being her quirky self. Yeah, that is the girl I wanted to be. It never really happened. I sort of had the invisible part down, but because I kept a part of my soul a secret it was easier to try to hide in plain sight. And, unfortunately, you can’t shine as your quirky self if you are hiding something about your quirky self.

My whole life, I saw, heard, and felt things most other people didn’t believe existed. And I could sense everything about people with one look and never a spoken word. I somehow knew I would never be that girl next door. But that didn’t stop me from hoping.

By the time I was thirteen spirit thought that I was a place they could regularly visit and often they would ask me for help in telling their stories. I tried. I typed (literally typed, on a typewriter) up a story about one girl who died and tried to get it published. I talked to my sisters about the things I saw. But it just kept escalating. Combined with the angst and pain, I felt from others around me, at sixteen I tried to take a bunch of pills and silence everything forever. I couldn’t possibly be supposed to live like this right?

But, as always, God is in charge. The next morning when I woke up, HE was there. His loud voice boomed and told me, “Your life is mine.” I could sense the disappointment. And the voice continued, “Your work isn’t finished yet. I have things left for you to do.”

In addition to feeling extraordinarily guilty and having yet another secret to hide; I now felt that I was for sure crazy. Who hears GOD?! Seriously, now I was broken in all new ways.

I tried to reconcile my outside life with my inside life. I still didn’t talk about it much, but I definitely decided to learn more and put a little more effort into paying attention to what I heard and saw. Most of the time no one wanted to know anything about it, and I knew it was something most people wouldn’t accept.

For most of my young adult life, it was something that I pushed down and left out. I still saw and heard spirit. I could still read people like a book, but the girl next door appeal always won out, and I just tried to be ordinary.

By the time we moved to our small town, I thought maybe I had a shot. It was like a do-over, and I had whole-heartedly decided to keep the other piece of my soul a secret. I would be normal and ordinary like everyone else. Besides, I had my own family now and I didn’t want this to damage the way people saw them, too. And it started to happen, I was fitting in. After, being here for two years, I began to make some friends. The other moms would talk to me at pick up, and I was being invited places. I was so relieved.

Then a little spirit boy decided to change my whole life. I don’t know why I thought any different, I wasn’t in charge. And of course, he was asking me to be anything but ordinary.

Copy of cinema is a matter of what's in the frame and what's out

If you have come to a session, you have heard me tell the Matthew story. (You can also read it here.) Matthew is a boy who visited me after his passing and basically became my teacher. One day six years ago, he told me it was time for me to follow this path and he warned that if I didn’t take care of it; spirit would.

Well, a part of the story I don’t tell is how I quit. Yep, I quit. I shut everything down for six months because of one bad experience, a tremendous amount of doubt, and general life chaos. And most likely my deep-seated need to be the ordinary, girl next door. And if I am being sincere, maybe I was a little glad for the break. As much as I wanted to help; I really didn’t believe I was strong enough. I mean, even though I was removed from the sadness of my clients; how many times could my own heart break? How much sadness and pain can one person carry? Spirit can feel everything, so during the sessions not only do I feel what they are feeling; I experience my client’s pain, too. And then the human side of me is also experiencing what is happening.

For six long months I thought for sure I was going to get to just be me; ordinary and regular, and live a life-like everyone else.

But God wasn’t done with me.

God wasn't done

He isn’t ever done with us. Duh! It was silly to think I still controlled my life. Well, newsflash, we can only control how we react to what happens to us.

Spirits would keep popping up in my life; clients’ stories would break me down. I couldn’t say no to some people and after six months; everyone including my husband thought that I was supposed to be helping spirit and their loved ones here on earth full-time. And the doors of my normal life were closing all around me. My job was changing and my place there didn’t feel like it belonged to me any more.

So, a little over a year ago I quit my day job and opened up my own little business. To say I was terrified would be an understatement. I have an -ish ton of faith because otherwise, I am just a crazy girl who hears voices; so I believed anything was possible, but I was still worried.

Since God knew this, the first client he sent to me was Lauren. Immediately her radiant smile and warm heart hit me, and I loved her. She came into my cozy little office, kicked off her shoes and made herself comfortable. And my whole heart breathed a sigh of relief; everything about her was exactly what I needed. While I was still nervous because I didn’t know what to expect, I was so much more at ease. I knew God had sent me the most perfect first client.

We cried, and we laughed. Lauren’s mom came through to her. And while it was a fantastic session filled with immense healing; my heart broke a little because her mother left this earth of her own volition. Now, we have a great deal of upset over things like this in the human world. But, remember, God is forever tries, and heaven is home, so God showers all souls with love. And everything that happens He has a say in. Nothing gets past Him. We talked about that, that day, too.

No soul left behind

Lauren’s mom showed me how Lauren shared her light with other people. How she would take a little bit of it and hand it off to others like hope, and it would spread far and wide. This spreading of light was like the festival of lanterns and one of the most beautiful things I had ever seen.

I asked Lauren about it at the end of the session, and she told me about how before her mom passed one of the last things they talked about was her mom asking her if she ever heard the song, 1,000 paper cranes. Lauren brushed it off and didn’t think about it again, until after she received the news of her mom’s passing. She listened to the song. It weighed on her heart, and she decided to make 1,000 paper cranes every year to honor her mom. And she was giving some of them away to other people. That was the light I saw spreading. Lauren was turning her pain and her mom’s pain into hope. Literally, an origami crane symbols the mystic legend of the crane’s 1,000 year life span and to give someone a paper crane symbolizes offering hope and healing through difficult challenges.

From that Cranes for Kristina was born. Today that is Lauren’s full-time gig. She is creating cranes every day, giving away a piece of her light to others and offering them hope. (If you come to see me you get to take one with you when you leave, my office isn’t complete without a little bit of Lauren’s light in it.) Lauren doesn’t stop there, she speaks up and out about depression and suicide prevention. Lauren has the most amazing heart and uses her grief as inspiration and motivation to help others.

So while, Lauren’s life has changed over the year since we met; mine has, too.

Moms don’t talk to me at pick up anymore. People recognize me around town, stare and whisper. I am not the girl next door; I am the girl who knows too much. The girl like the moon in the day time, just a little out-of-place.

My heart continues to break in new ways multiple times a day as I sit with people in their pain. And I can’t think of any other thing I would rather do with my life.

My faith has grown exponentially, and control isn’t even in my vocabulary any more except to say it is an illusion. I know I will never be the girl next door and ordinary is out of the question. I think I am okay with that. I wasn’t sure before. Not only because I wanted to fit in; but also because this sadness and heartbreak; I wasn’t sure how much I could take.

In fact, last night a friend and I were talking about how our hearts break faster than they heal and it is all just too much. And how was that possible when at the exact same time we were filled with so much gratitude and love for everything in our lives.

But today, even in the midst of my heart feeling so broken; I thought of Lauren, Kristina, the cranes and the light and love they shine into this world.

I realized then that my heart wasn’t actually healing; it WAS healed AND broken – both at the same time and that is what love is; it is being both broken and healed at the same time.

It is about moving one step more even when we feel like we can’t breathe. It is having the courage to move beyond fear and trusting in faith. It is sitting with the wounded and feeling all the feels knowing that we can rise from that spot. Knowing that love exists in the darkest places and anything is possible. And not being afraid to offer hope and light even when we are hurting, too.

love is

I think love and pain coexist. We are all a little bit of both. And maybe, I am the ordinary girl and also entirely out-of-place different all at the same time. Broken and whole. Love and loss. Death and life wrapped in an extraordinary ordinary package. That is what Kristina showed me Lauren is; it is what so many of my clients are…and their strength in the midst of deep pain constantly leaves me in awe.

I can’t think of anything I want to be more. It’s how I met people like Lauren and learned about turning pain into hope. Sitting in pain with strangers has broken my heart open wide and opened my eyes to the impossible.

I hope to be a person who instead of freaking people out because I can see things they may not believe in; to one day, because I decided to shine my light, become a little bit of hope that we can be broken and healed at the same time; that being out-of-place is sometimes right were we need to be. And that just because I do what I do, doesn’t mean that God isn’t a part of it; that in fact, He is at the center of it. And maybe just maybe, it’s what he wanted all along. Because maybe, just maybe I am supposed to share this with you. So that you know you aren’t alone. So that you know you are extraordinarily ordinary exactly out of place just like you are supposed to be.

cinema is a matter of what's in the frame and what's out

Until next time,

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Day 17: Meet Vanessa

Day 17: Meet Vanessa

“Do your little bit of good where you are; it’s those little bits of good put together that overwhelm the world” – Desmond Tutu

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Okay so today I am going to get up on my soapbox a little bit for this one. Pediatric cancer is a cause that is near and dear to my family. I know too many lives that have been forever altered by this disease. Did you know that 3 new medicines have been created for pediatric cancer in the last 20 years and that 23 new medicines were created for adults in 2012 alone? And as you saw from the stats above there is little funding that goes toward pediatric cancer from the government or other existing cancer organizations. Unravel, which I have spoken about before is an organization that specifically raises money for pediatric cancer. We need to start paying attention to these stats and to the faces of pediatric cancer and start saving their lives.

Today’s recipient is fighting cancer and if you noticed we had an earlier recipient that is fighting pediatric cancer and we have another one I haven’t yet written to you about. Bottom line there are too many children that are fighting this disease to have only 3 types of medicine to fight it and very little funding to back new research.

And now as I step down from my soap box that brings me to Vanessa. Readers meet Vanessa.

vanessa

Vanessa  recently had her leg amputated as part of her battle with this disease. Shaleen nominated Vanessa and had this to say about her, “I have seen some of her journey on FB and it is truly amazing to see her bright smile in every single picture whether she is out and about in her wheel chair or in the hospital bed. Her huge family has been right by her side through this all. To see the love they have for Vanessa and the strength they all have is amazing!”

 

When Shaleen told Vanessa’s aunt that she had been nominated and was chosen to receive a gift she was so touched.  She wrote in to say, “[T]hank you so much. It’s definitely been tough, but she’s still here with us and despite what she’s gone and going through she’s in good spirits. She’s a tough cookie !” She also let us know that she really wanted an American Girl doll. What happened next brought Shaleen and I to tears.

I posted on my FB group page that we needed an American Girl doll for a recipient that was battling cancer. I had two donations within 10 minutes. The sense of joy and gratefulness that encapsulated my heart was indescribable. You have already seen that Elayna received one of the dolls (click here to read about it in case you haven’t read that post yet) and Vanessa was given a doll as well. Then what was even more special is my friend Rebecca heard about who the recipients were and she told her mom who then made scarves and hats for all the girls and tons of doll clothes! You elves are one amazing bunch that is for sure!

 

It gets better…Katie who donated the doll, movie, and one of the outfits took her girls with her so they could share in the Holiday Cheer and learn about doing something good for others. Check it out…

Then this transpired on Facebook after the delivery of the gift and I just had to share because this is what holiday cheer is all about!

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Speechless yet…yeah I was, too.

I know I speak for all of us when I say we are sending prayers and thoughts of supreme strength to Vanessa and her family. She is a brave soul who is definitely one tough cookie. We hope that the gift brought her some joy and let her know that there are so many people rooting for her, so many people whose lives she has touched.

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Until there is a cure,

Shaleen, Katie, Rebecca, Michelle and the holiday cheer elves

P.S. to learn more about Unravel click here.

 

May God hold you in the palm of His hand

When our loved ones move on to heaven our human hearts want the world to stop. There is a need for everything to be frozen and covered with ash gray quiet. Forward movement seems so unbefitting when we are mourning loss. We yearn for a blanket of stillness to cover the globe and keep us isolated while we adjust to a life where they are no longer physically present. And yet, somehow everything keeps moving,  changing, evolving, growing. There is an abundant amount of laughter and light that seems so out-of-place. For me it seems this must be God’s way of trying to soothe us to let us know that one day forward movement will not seem so odd. His way of reminding us that life is all forward movement. There is no pause button, no still frame except for in our photos and even then sometimes nothing is standing still.

All four of my grandparents are in heaven. My fingers shake as I write this because a world without their stories, advice, unconditional love seems a bit colder, less comforting. As each of my grandparents passed I tried to merge some of who they were into me; into my soul because if I did that then they continued to live. If I have to move forward because of the will of the world and the will of God, then it is my need to take the essence of who they were with me.

Twenty-one years ago, my grandfather (papa) went in for a routine surgery, and then I got the news he wasn’t going to ever leave the hospital again because his body had decided the surgery was not so routine. The day I heard I ran up and down the stairs in our house and did sit up after sit up. I thought if I could feel some physical pain that matched my emotional pain then that would bring harmony and peace. It did not. Time would come to pass and I would learn that nothing brings back the peace you had before you lose someone. Nothing is ever the same. I wish I could have had more wisdom in my adolescent brain that June, but I did not. For my grandfather, who was Irish to the core, I decided to move on with the importance of heritage being a core value.

papa at Salt Lake
Papa, my friend Shannon and I on Antelope Island the summer before my Sophomore year of high school. 1994ish
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At Coyote Reservoir probably 1992
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New Year’s Eve at our house in 1993 probably

He also loved his family fiercely and that too I incorporated into the fiber of my being. I know that he watches over us; his pennies from heaven are everywhere when I need them. He was also a wonderful story-teller. I think that I chose to write again because of a need to make his story-telling live on. Slowly picking up my once abandoned journals after his passing and beginning to fill them with my own stories. His picture sits at my desk and I talk to him every day. The hole he left will always be empty. I wish I had done more to remember all that he was, record his stories, ask more questions, learn more, but I was too naive and young to gather those extra memories of him when I had the chance.

My mother’s father passed on Valentine’s Day almost 8 years ago. It doesn’t seem like that, but time keeps moving propelling us forward. I had been so fortunate to see him two weeks earlier. He lived in Utah, so it was a treat that I was out there visiting friends and was able to escape away for a day and spend it with him. We visited my grandmother. Then, watched a part of the series “Earth”. We made plans for breakfast the next day and I headed back to the house my husband and I were visiting. A freak snowstorm set in that night and I was not able to get back to see him for breakfast. I called to tell him and of course he put my safety first and understood. I told him I loved him and he told me the same. As I hung up, I cried uncontrollably. Everyone thought I was crazy, but I knew I would never hear his voice again. That was the last time we spoke.

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My Grandpa goofing around at my wedding in 2003
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Grandpa toasting at my wedding in 2003
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Grandpa and Grandma together at my wedding in 2003

When my dad called to tell me two weeks later, I sank to the ground in my kitchen. And a cruel joke that on Valentine’s Day he left the Earth, leaving behind the woman he loved so much. My grandfather took care of my grandmother as she struggled through Alzheimer’s for 12 years. His unconditional love became an example to me; to our family to love those dearest to you through anything. His goofy jokes and singing became part of his essence that I needed to carry on. A sign of his hangs in my kitchen, “A good day is not complete without laughter.” That is what I carry with me and try to incorporate into my soul. Also to always drive the back roads, that is where the good stuff happens. There is no need to take the freeway when you can avoid it.

A few short weeks later, the love of his life, my grandmother passed away. My sweet, kind, generous grandmother who fought early onset Alzheimer’s for 12 years went to heaven to be with him. My grandmother was one of the most selfless, thoughtful people I have ever met. When I would complain about how someone being rude or grumpy she would say, “Michelle, they might be having the worst day of their life. Maybe they need a little kindness.” or “You don’t know their story.” This has become a mantra of mine, to give people the benefit of the doubt, to offer kindness no matter what. She had the best giggle and enjoyed her family and grandchildren so much. She was always finding the neatest toys for us to play with. Little People became a favorite of mine for my own children because it reminded me of her house. She also was a writer; she had written for the paper in college for a brief time. She is another reason that I write. Her grace, kindness, and love of knowledge and life I try to absorb in every way.

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My grandma with the love of her life my grandpa in the late 80s. I wish I had more pictures of her before she started to get sick. She loved to giggle and was such a beautiful person.

I call on her daily because she raised six with ease and sometimes I feel like I am drowning raising four and I long to hear her words of wisdom. My drive to help others comes in part from her.

This past Friday, November 6th at 8:15 PM my grandmother went to join my papa 21 years after he passed. That is a long time to be a part from one another, so I know they are catching up on lost time. I am grateful that she can be with him and her brothers and sister that have passed. I know she missed them dearly. But as I stood on the Boardwalk, listening to my dad tell me she had passed, the dazzling sunlight and joyful volleyball games and happy adventurers that passed and buzzed around me seemed so wrong. Why couldn’t everything stop just for a minute; my last grandparent had left this Earth. Why wasn’t there quiet and calm? Why hadn’t clouds at least dulled the blazing sun?

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My grandma and my dad in 2002
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My grandma and me in church 2000
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The summer before my wedding at Los Gatos Opera House 2002
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My grandma as always the life of the party – my wedding 2003

My grandmother talked to everyone. When I would visit in the summer, it would take us an hour or more to get through the aisles in the grocery store. The first time I thought she knew everyone and then I picked up that she was meeting all these people for this first time. She always talked to anyone like a friend, an important note that I need to gather into my soul and become one with so that she can live on through me. She also loved to laugh and was always about a good time; even though she hated parties that were thrown in her honor. It will be good for my soul to laugh even more and something I will fold into the fiber of my being so that she can continue to exist here on Earth. My grandma won everything all the time, so I know the Bingo Game in heaven will be forever changed; she is pretty unbeatable. There was a lot my grandmother didn’t talk about from her past and I know there was a great deal of pain that she carried with her from that. I hope that escapes her soul as she settles into heaven. My grandmother also loved to give back to the community, she helped with Girl Scouts, the Soup Kitchen and her church. I think a part of me knew this was coming, a need to make this year’s 25 Days of Holiday Cheer bigger and grander than the past two years a need to make a mark, a memory in her honor.

Life keeps going. We can’t stop it. We can only join it as best we can. I try to do that with my grief; warp it into a part of the person I loved and use it to move forward and pass that piece of their memory onto others I meet. If I keep pushing them forward with me in the best way I know how, a piece of them will always exist here on Earth.

May the road rise up to meet you.
May the wind always be at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
and rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of His hand.

Until we meet again,

Michelle

Unbounded

First and foremost, I am a deeply spiritual person who has a vast and limitless faith in God. Everything that I am able to carry out in this life is a gift directly from HIM. I rarely openly share my unbounded faith in the Lord. Spirituality is an exceptionally private matter that I feel resides deep within an individual and is not up for dissent from another human being. Each of us has an incredibly unique relationship with faith and spirituality and there are no right answers when it comes to this subject. And so I don’t discuss it usually because it can be a divide; something that we humans use to separate ourselves and that hurts my soul. There is no reason we should be divided over faith. Faith is beautiful, imperfect and immensely personal.

Faith

That background needed to be given before I speak more openly about the readings I do and what those experiences have taught me. First, these experiences have taught me that anything is possible and that there is always a divine purpose to the things that happen in our lives.

Secondly, I have learned that I am capable of anything with the right amount of prayer and the ability to follow that faith and intuition.

Allowing myself to follow my faith has led me to so much more than I ever could have imagined in this last year. In my readings, it has become clear that God’s love is unconditional. We are loved beyond what we could ever imagine. God never once gives up on us. That hope that we feel comes from that love. It knows no bounds. We are always enough and each time we get knocked down, God is our biggest cheerleader willing us to move forward and do better. God knows we can.

Live with pure and good intent

I have also learned that while there is a plan there is never a good reason we lose someone we love. Nothing that will soothe our human hearts. Somehow, some way when we reach the other side there is an understanding that is awakened in our souls and all is revealed. But there is never a reason that is valid to our human brains and hearts. 

 What is more, is that I believe all I do is speak another language. I am able to communicate soul to soul. We are all capable of this gift. Each of us has this ability. It is not void or missing in a single one of us. We just forget. The longer our souls spend in a body the more and more our brain and logic takes over. The more and more we operate in the physical realm. But we can all find a way to open up our souls. This is not something exclusive to me. We all have this ability. I just never allowed mine to shut down and continually cultivated the ability to speak with my soul. Just like if you learn Spanish, but you never use it you lose the majority of it. It is just like that. Nothing flashy about it.

we are lvoed

 

What I think is most important are these things: we are loved profusely, we are capable of all things; we are our only obstacle, and while there is no sensible reason to appease our grieving hearts we are forever connected to our loved ones through our souls. We are surrounded by those we love in a more emotional, spiritual plane and they are not as far away as they may seem.

Grief

I hope these things that have been revealed to me over the last year through my readings bring some peace to you.

Until next time,

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My friend Death

click here for original source
click here for original source

Death has been with me for as long as I can remember. Death never ever speaks, but I can always see Death. She is not dark, or hooded, or wielding a weapon as she is often pictured. In fact, she resembles Gwenneth Paltrow. She lingers though; sometimes for years over the souls she is preparing to lead to heaven.

Death isn’t scary or unnerving; Death is calm and peaceful.

Doesn’t mean I would want to go with her anytime soon, nor does that mean I understand how she works. I have just seen her for as long as I can remember. I sense her presence when she is near and sometimes if she happens to be preparing a soul of someone close to me – I don’t even ever have to see her to know what is going to happen next. I almost always know the last time I will see someone.

I don’t think Death gets a fair shake. She doesn’t make the decisions; she just aides in the transfer of a soul. She is a guide; an assistant. She ensures that the soul arrives in Heaven safe and sound. Patient and understanding, quiet and calm. She soaks up the anger, resentment, fury, frustration, fear, grief and pain that people throw at her without complaint or judgement.

I just wanted to share my experience with her with all of you so that you could more clearly see her for what she was really like instead of how the world perceives her.