Worry, fate and signs from heaven

Worry, fate and signs from heaven

There are moments when I am alone with my thoughts and usually that is a good thing, but sometimes my mind starts to stir with worry. Usually I am pretty good about focusing back in on the present. I know it isn’t healthy to live in the past or too far in the future, but to focus right here in the present. But today my mind wandered to my family. I started to think about my grandparents. Missing them, but that turned my thoughts toward my own future.

Both of my grandmothers had strokes and Alzheimer’s. My mom’s mom had early onset Alzheimer’s and for twelve years she lived with this disease. It struck right at the onset of her retirement; just after all 6 kids were out and on their own. I know it could not have been easy for her. But what I know more than anything is that it would have hurt her so much more to see those she loved in pain. She put everyone else before herself. She was selfless and kind. She was one of the best women I have ever known.

When we had the twins she had already passed and I longed to call her and ask her how she maintained her sanity with six kids. I only had four and I felt like I was barely holding it together. I wanted her advice so badly.

As fate would have it, I I did get the chance to ask my grandfather about her; about how she managed to keep it all together raising six kids the last time I saw him. The twins weren’t even in the picture yet, but somehow I had the wherewithal to ask. He told me he would get home from work and without saying anything she would just go get in the car and drive. He laughed as he said it. He said he always wondered if she would come home.

So there were days as the twins were older about 18 months, Brian would get home and I would just get in the car and drive. Drive and pray to her that I was doing enough; pray for her guidance to watch over me as a parent. To help me through. To know if she lost her cool, to see if she had tricks and tips on how she split herself into so many directions. I wanted to raise my kids to be as kind, honest, and loving as she had raised hers to be.

During this time I dyed my hair dark brown because I didn’t want to have to color it as much. After seeing me a few times, my aunt told me how much I reminded her of my grandma, that having my hair darker I even kind of looked like her. Well if that wasn’t just the greatest compliment I could ever receive!

Over the past six years, I have had some medical hiccups. They can’t pin point any one thing to be wrong, but my whole body is out of whack and we are still trying to figure it out. About six months ago, a growth started on my nose.

The growth turned out to be noncancerous, it is what young children and infants have – we always called them strawberry birthmarks. The technical term is hemangioma and it is a noncancerous collection of blood vessels. It is rare in adults. My grandmother had a growth on her nose that was removed, my mom said she would have likely been my age. I remembered the zigzagged white scar she hated so much, but that I loved because it was a part of her. Sure enough it most likely was the same type of growth.

Thinking about her today, I wondered that if I am like her I have sixteen years until early onset. Sixteen years of a life of remembering. I don’t want my family to see that. I don’t want them to have to take care of me like that. So I started praying to her again. To God. Please don’t let my family suffer that fate, please give them more time. Don’t make them have to watch that. Don’t make my parents have to watch that again. How awful that would be. I know that I can endure anything, but I don’t want that for them. I have seen it and I don’t want that for them.

Do not ask me to remember

As soon as I said my last word of my prayer a white fluffy feather floated past my windshield at the stop sign. I thought there is no way that is a sign even though I have started finding feathers like that recently, still I shrugged it off. The next stop sign there was a hummingbird that hovered above my car. My dad’s dad always sends hummingbirds. The next stop sign a blue jay flew right in front of my car from one tree to the next. My other grandmother sends me blue jays. And I started to think that my fate will be different.

Those signs hopefully will spur me to learn whatever I can and get off my butt and work harder to do what I have to, to out run that fate. Those signs from heaven reminded me that I have a good team up there looking out for me. They will take care of my family and me. They will help us.

These signs gave me hope. These signs helped me realize I do not want to go down without giving myself the best possible chances. So I need to take better care of myself. I think that means more changes and better will power, but there is a damn good reason for me to make those things happen. That isn’t the future I want for my kids and I definitely want to know my grandchildren.

Morbid post I know, but I write here for me to release those things that roll around in my brain. To work through my fears so that I can face them and deal with them. That’s all. I just need to come here to let it all out.

Sunset

Thanks for reading if you got this far and don’t worry about me; just venting a fear that wraps hold of my heart from time to time. Today heaven sent me lots of signs to let me know my prayers are heard and that I am loved and cared for. My angels were there to let me know not to worry and to just live.

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The good news is I don’t have to make a decision tonight.

The good news is I don’t have to make a decision tonight.

Elizabeth Gilbert Quote

Sometimes I feel like I live my life underwater – everything happening above me at a faster speed while I try to keep up at my slower, garbled pace. My soul weighted down with each decision I do or don’t make.

This week instead of going out and joining the world, I hunkered down and retreated into myself searching for answers. Do you ever do that? Hide in an effort to try to find out more about yourself or maybe just to escape the questions you might be faced with from others.

My main struggle is trying to decide what I am meant to do. These readings take time away from my family; very much of the precious time I have to spend with my littles.

Being the best mom I can be is something I strive to do, but lately my kids are fighting so much and talking back so much that it is difficult for me to understand why God trusted me to have kids in the first place. I was given a great gift and it is my job to help them become good citizens and they cannot even FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY go FIVE MINUTES without nit-picking or arguing. Okay, I am exaggerating, it might be six whole minutes.

But of course there are glimpses of fabulous behavior and kindness and I think maybe just maybe, I have not completely failed at motherhood. I may be losing my sanity along the way, but the kids might just turn out all right. Maybe all the craziness of the past year and two jobs isn’t wearing on them or our family in the ways I worry it has.

Too serious for a Friday; I know, I know. But I am a serious person – sometimes I wish I was hilarious like Amy Poehler – and sometimes I am if you happen to catch me at just the right moment, but here I tend to dump all the seriousness out and sort through it trying to find the granules of truth, peace, and sanity I need to keep moving forward.

Just a little funny for you since this post is sooooo serious. click to go to the source.
Just a little funny for you since this post is sooooo serious.
click to go to the source.

Anyway, I am soul searching. I am trying to figure out what to do moving forward.

Being a good wife is important to me as well and during busy weeks my husband and I see each other in passing.

But beyond the time spent away from my family there is the issue of whether or not what transpires is real. I am human; I am skeptical. I thought that these readings would help to squash my own skepticism, but they haven’t. I still don’t know how it works or why me.

People look at me differently. I know I shouldn’t give a flying piglet what people think – I can’t make this stuff up; honestly I CANNOT. Like the time a grandmother, who happened to be a librarian, came through just to tell her granddaughter not to dog ear the pages of the books she reads. Or I accidentally outed a pregnancy. Or that I can know names and descriptions of people I have never met. Or how sometimes I adopt the cadence and tone of  someone else when I talk and the listener tells me I sound exactly like the person that I am saying the message is coming from. Or how I can describe the way someone looks in a picture I have never seen. Or I know what items that the living have kept for comfort. Or how I know what was buried with the dead. But at the same time do not know so many other things. None the less, people still look at me differently and that isn’t always easy.

Since I was little I have prayed each night to just give me the ability to make one person’s life better and my life will have been worth living. God, just please let me make a better difference in one person’s life. I think doing this does that. For example, I received this testimonial a while back and it made my day:

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But things like this also make me worry. I know that these readings are meaningful and my intent is to help, but sometimes I also worry about the weight that is placed on them by the listener, the receiver of the message.

Tonight there is rain, lightning and thunder in my neck of the woods. It feels like the universe is also wrestling with its own indecision. And while I have prayed for answers to my own future I wonder if the universe isn’t trying to clean the slate a bit itself. It’s comforting to think the universe is with me in my indecision and that somehow it might find a way to lead me down the path that is meant to be.

The good news is I don’t have to make a decision tonight.

Still searching…

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