Mediumship and the Bible – an answer to a client question

“If there is no peace, it is because we have forgotten we belong to one another.”

— Mother Teresa

It has been a month or so ago now, but I had a client send a question that I thought you may have stumbled across as well. Sharing it here, with you, felt right.

This client reached out to me because she had been chided on her Instagram account for sharing a spiritual experience. We will call her Monica. Monica received a sign from spirit and she also had a reading that helped her realize that these signs were possible. Someone commented on Monica’s post using Leviticus as a reference basically stating she couldn’t be a good Christian if she sought the services of a medium.

The verse the commenter used was,

“Do not turn to mediums or necromancers; do not seek them out, and so make yourselves unclean by them: I am the Lord your God.”- Leviticus 19:31

Monica asked how I dealt with things like this when they happened to me or if I had advice for her.

This has no easy answer and maybe there is no answer at all. I prayed on it for some time and one thing is for sure, I know I am not here to debate the Bible. That is definitely not my place. I won’t even begin to try. I can share some important things that mediumship and life have taught me, though. Some of what I shared with Monica, I will share here with you today in case you have wondered about this dilemma yourself.

Here are some of the important things.

The important thing about life and faith is that we all get to make our own decisions.

The important thing about a relationship with God, the Universe, etc. is that it is between you and God and no one else.

Remember the Important Things (2)

For me personally, the important thing about my mediumship gift is that it has brought me closer to God. I hear Him crisper and clearer than ever before. That can’t be a bad thing.

The important thing about answers is we don’t have all the answers and we might not ever in our lifetime.

There is bad in everything, but the important thing is, there is way more good in everything. It is all perspective.

The important thing about grace is that we should offer it to ourselves and others.

The important thing about what other people think about us is none of our business.

When people try to steal our light, our joy, the important thing is that we recognize and acknowledge it and then do not let them take that from us.

I try my best to live with a Jesus heart and a deep faith in the Lord. I hear His voice in my heart and it guides me to the next best choice. He knows my heart better than anyone else and the important thing is that is what matters. The good news is that goes for you, too.

Remember the Important Things

At the end of the day it doesn’t matter what other people think, do your best, you won’t have all the answers, but offer yourself and others grace in finding your way because we belong to one another; that’s the important thing.

Until next time,

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My first reading.

This is a story that is told multiple times a week. Details are omitted to scrunch it into the allotted time. It is the story I tell before each reading; the story of how I got started doing readings for other people. I want to share it here in its entirety because I think just once it needs to be written down with all the details in place.

It was a regular day like any other. I was in grad school and had made a great friend. The kind that you meet and you already feel like you have known each other a hundred years. We had most of our classes together. We talked about lots of things; I had my first child in grad school and she had been teaching longer than I; married longer than I. She always had the best advice; but one day our conversation turned to one of her students. A student that had leukemia. An eight-year-old little boy whom she tutored. I had no idea when we started talking about Matthew the impact he would have on my life.

As my friend shared her worries and experience with Matthew and his family, I shared more about my gift with her. Opening something inside of myself I had held so close. Trying to share what little wisdom I had to bring comfort to the unthinkable situation that was facing this family, facing Matthew.

Matthew gained his angel wings in July of 2007.

A few months later my friend told me that I should share my gift with this family. That they needed my help.

Crazy town; I told her. Crazy people do things like that. I didn’t think I could help and I was sure that if I did everyone would think I was crazy. No one can talk to spirits for real. The things that happened to me were just random and I wasn’t about to do them out loud in front of the world. I played small and it suited me just fine. I had a sweet little life at this point. Two kids and a new job; I was moving forward into my sweet, quiet life comfortably.

So, I told her no. I thought that would be the end of it.

Sometimes you don’t hear when God is laughing at you. Chuckling at the notion that you think you have some control over what you are meant to do.

God and Matthew had different plans for me. Matthew was helping Him put those plans into motion.

Everything you want is on the other side of fear

Matthew began to show up everywhere. He was in my car; my kitchen, woke me up at night because I kept having the same dream. I would reach out for a tombstone that wasn’t there and carved into the rock were symbols I didn’t recognize. Each night I would trace them with my finger drawing symbols into a phantom tombstone.

Finally, I asked Matthew what he wanted. He had a family that loved him, why in the world was he spending all this time around me?

He asked me to talk to his mom. He asked me to help his family. Said he had something for his sister and turned into a butterfly and fluttered away.

Well, crap.

God knew if He sent me a child I would listen. God knew if He sent me a small boy that I would say yes. That with shaky legs, sweaty hands and my stomach in knots I would drive 40 miles into unknown territory and try to help this boy reunite with his family.

Arriving made everything worse. Encountering the eyes of this mother and father who had lost half their hearts and a whole child to Heaven was almost unbearable. What if this didn’t work? What if I was crazy? What if I just heard and saw things that didn’t really exist? I started praying in my head like a crazy woman. Dear God, please let me help this family. God please let this bring them some comfort. God please let this be real. God please don’t let this family down.

It took a good twenty minutes to get comfortable. Twenty minutes of small talk and looking at a few pictures. Matthew showed up right away, but I had never seen energy move so fast. I couldn’t slow him down enough to hear what he was saying. And then something shifted.

I started to hear him clear as day. I started to see him in his blue striped shirt and the wide grin expand across his face. He told his family about things he did in the house to let them know he was around. He described the item that he was buried with since I would have no idea what it was or how to pronounce what it was called. Matthew relayed to me the item he wanted his sister to have. He shared things he hoped for his family and wanted for the future.

We drove to his grave because of my dream. I had chills over my whole body as I stepped into the reality of that dream. Stepped into a solid, tangible reality I had only seen in dreams. I explained to them about the symbols Matthew wanted on his tombstone. His dad drew multiple samples on a napkin; skeptical trying to prove this was really happening; only one set of symbols represented what I had verbalized to them. Without hesitation, I pointed to the second set of symbols. The ones I had traced into stone night after night in my dream. Those were the ones. The ones Matthew wanted on his stone.

Heaven isn't some far off place. Heaven is all around us. You are a part of your loved ones heaven. Spirit is constantly sending signs to us to let us know they are there.

Then a little dog showed up and of course it had been theirs. Of course, that dog was with their son playing chase and being a constant companion.

That day changed my life. That day put me on a course with God’s plan for me. It unfurled my path; a path I had refused to step onto for 15 years.

When I was fifteen a line of spirits formed around me. A line. They would reach out one by one; tell me I was going to help them and I would shake it off. It couldn’t be. How could I tell people out loud this is me? I talk to dead people, seriously? I couldn’t handle the criticism. I wasn’t ready.

I wasn’t ready that day either and it would be about five years after this first reading for strangers that I would help other people out loud. Matthew never gave up. He would visit from time to time and nudge me down this path. Encourage me to keep the channels open; to pay attention to spirit.

When I first started giving readings he would be there with me. Cheering me on. Letting me know I was right where I was supposed to be. Eventually he handed those reigns off to my loved ones, but from time to time he still peeks in; still says hello with that wide grin across his face and his head tilted slightly to the right. Always dressed in the latest trends and his jet-black hair just a bit spiky in front. It always makes me smile.

Spirit speaks to us through a variety of ways. If you believe a sign came from a loved one; than it did.

Matthew helped me get to where I am today. Matthew taught me how to listen. He helped me understand how this gift would work. Reaffirmed that as much as I am here to help the living that I work for spirit. That I am here to translate the messages of spirit to their families. When I give a reading I always let spirit lead. Spirit starts with their agenda, their messages; and those messages may not always be what their loved one may want to hear, but without fail they are always what their loved one needs to hear. Without fail loved ones end up finding a way to make sense out of the words and pictures that spirit gives to me. Spirit finds a way to make me feel both physically and emotionally what they want me to translate. God always leading the way; allowing this miracle.

I hope that what I do; that each reading pays Matthew back somehow. That he knows that this is how I say thank you. That I am forever grateful for his determination and patience. That it is not lost on me that a boy, not yet nine, changed my life in such a profound and wonderful way. Thank you, Matthew and thank you sweet family who welcomed me into their lives unsure of what that day would hold. Thank you all for changing my life and being the first step on my journey. Thank you for sharing your son with me and with the world.

Thank you,

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Worry, fate and signs from heaven

There are moments when I am alone with my thoughts and usually that is a good thing, but sometimes my mind starts to stir with worry. Usually I am pretty good about focusing back in on the present. I know it isn’t healthy to live in the past or too far in the future, but to focus right here in the present. But today my mind wandered to my family. I started to think about my grandparents. Missing them, but that turned my thoughts toward my own future.

Both of my grandmothers had strokes and Alzheimer’s. My mom’s mom had early onset Alzheimer’s and for twelve years she lived with this disease. It struck right at the onset of her retirement; just after all 6 kids were out and on their own. I know it could not have been easy for her. But what I know more than anything is that it would have hurt her so much more to see those she loved in pain. She put everyone else before herself. She was selfless and kind. She was one of the best women I have ever known.

When we had the twins she had already passed and I longed to call her and ask her how she maintained her sanity with six kids. I only had four and I felt like I was barely holding it together. I wanted her advice so badly.

As fate would have it, I I did get the chance to ask my grandfather about her; about how she managed to keep it all together raising six kids the last time I saw him. The twins weren’t even in the picture yet, but somehow I had the wherewithal to ask. He told me he would get home from work and without saying anything she would just go get in the car and drive. He laughed as he said it. He said he always wondered if she would come home.

So there were days as the twins were older about 18 months, Brian would get home and I would just get in the car and drive. Drive and pray to her that I was doing enough; pray for her guidance to watch over me as a parent. To help me through. To know if she lost her cool, to see if she had tricks and tips on how she split herself into so many directions. I wanted to raise my kids to be as kind, honest, and loving as she had raised hers to be.

During this time I dyed my hair dark brown because I didn’t want to have to color it as much. After seeing me a few times, my aunt told me how much I reminded her of my grandma, that having my hair darker I even kind of looked like her. Well if that wasn’t just the greatest compliment I could ever receive!

Over the past six years, I have had some medical hiccups. They can’t pin point any one thing to be wrong, but my whole body is out of whack and we are still trying to figure it out. About six months ago, a growth started on my nose.

The growth turned out to be noncancerous, it is what young children and infants have – we always called them strawberry birthmarks. The technical term is hemangioma and it is a noncancerous collection of blood vessels. It is rare in adults. My grandmother had a growth on her nose that was removed, my mom said she would have likely been my age. I remembered the zigzagged white scar she hated so much, but that I loved because it was a part of her. Sure enough it most likely was the same type of growth.

Thinking about her today, I wondered that if I am like her I have sixteen years until early onset. Sixteen years of a life of remembering. I don’t want my family to see that. I don’t want them to have to take care of me like that. So I started praying to her again. To God. Please don’t let my family suffer that fate, please give them more time. Don’t make them have to watch that. Don’t make my parents have to watch that again. How awful that would be. I know that I can endure anything, but I don’t want that for them. I have seen it and I don’t want that for them.

Do not ask me to remember

As soon as I said my last word of my prayer a white fluffy feather floated past my windshield at the stop sign. I thought there is no way that is a sign even though I have started finding feathers like that recently, still I shrugged it off. The next stop sign there was a hummingbird that hovered above my car. My dad’s dad always sends hummingbirds. The next stop sign a blue jay flew right in front of my car from one tree to the next. My other grandmother sends me blue jays. And I started to think that my fate will be different.

Those signs hopefully will spur me to learn whatever I can and get off my butt and work harder to do what I have to, to out run that fate. Those signs from heaven reminded me that I have a good team up there looking out for me. They will take care of my family and me. They will help us.

These signs gave me hope. These signs helped me realize I do not want to go down without giving myself the best possible chances. So I need to take better care of myself. I think that means more changes and better will power, but there is a damn good reason for me to make those things happen. That isn’t the future I want for my kids and I definitely want to know my grandchildren.

Morbid post I know, but I write here for me to release those things that roll around in my brain. To work through my fears so that I can face them and deal with them. That’s all. I just need to come here to let it all out.

Sunset

Thanks for reading if you got this far and don’t worry about me; just venting a fear that wraps hold of my heart from time to time. Today heaven sent me lots of signs to let me know my prayers are heard and that I am loved and cared for. My angels were there to let me know not to worry and to just live.

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The words that shook me awake

So I had one of those Oprah “Ah-ha” moments today. I think it took a bunch of little things running together to help this “ah-ha” moment smack me in the brain and reach my stream of consciousness, but that is how these things work.

The beginning is always the best place to start. It all started in late December. Probably a bit in part to the hangover the holidays create. That is when I started to feel bogged down. There was a cough and wheezing that just hung on to my lungs with a white knuckled grip and just trying to take a walk up the stairs with a laundry basket had become tedious by late January. I went to the doctor, but after five days of antibiotics things weren’t kicking back into gear energy wise.

I could not for the life of me figure out what the heck was so draining. It was as if my gas tank was always on empty.  I literally wanted to Netflix all day. Yes, Netflix is now a verb. A beautifully wonderful verb. It baffled me how this could be, but even sitting I wasn’t at rest. I was constantly berating myself for just sitting. I didn’t ever fully rest and relax.

i-literally-wanted

The good news was that for the first time in as far as I could remember I was the most comfortable in my own skin. Best. Feeling. Ever. Don’t get me wrong, we all have days, but I feel like I am pretty darn awesome. It was a little boggling to me how I could feel so good and comfortable yet so tired and deflated at the same time.

This past Saturday, I finally had to be hit over the head with what I should have known all along, but that is what happens sometimes we have to be smacked upside the head to realize what is right in front of us.

Saturday morning has become one of my favorite mornings. My youngest son is playing in a basketball league that was created by several faith communities in our town. It is the single best league that I have ever been a part of in my life.  They pray with the kids before the games and have a half time devotional.

On this particular Saturday, my favorite referee read the devotional. Listening intently as always, since these Saturday morning devotionals had become such a source of light in my life, he reads, “One cannot burn out if they weren’t on fire in the first place.”

one-cannot-burn-out

Can I get an AMEN?

Enter “ah-ha” moment. These words stirred in me just the slightest mental shift. They shook me awake.

Holy, holy. I am on fire! We all are. We burn with divine light. Of course we feel burned out from time to time. Wouldn’t any fire feel that way? Wouldn’t any light get so hot that it would need to be dark just for a short while?

God doesn’t need me to rush and rush and rush without stopping ever. Life is meant to be enjoyed number one and number two God rested! On the seventh day he rested. The end. He didn’t go on and on about how he should add a little something extra to the world or show off by creating another Universe. Nope. He just rested. So why can’t I just rest? Do nothing all day and feel productive. Yes! If I am feeling the need to rest then I need it. Rest is being productive. Rest is the self-care we need to keep our flame burning.

we-burn-with-divine-light

I started to examine these periods of rest in my life. The times I always just thought there was something off about me because I would just want to crawl in bed for days and do nothing.

The first time this happened I came out of it and started my blog. I started writing again and choosing vulnerability and connection over perfection.

The second time this happened I came out of the rest ready to share my gift and start a business.

The last time this happened I came out of rest with a strong sense of self-worth and a peace my soul hadn’t known for years.

So what is this “ah-ha”moment that hit me – when we rest we rise. When we rest we can burn again. Our fire is ignited brighter and wiser than before.

I finally truly understand the saying when she wakes she will move mountains. Each time I wake from rest my life is stronger and richer. This time will be no different.

let-her-sleep

Rest my friends because when you rise you will move mountains.

Until next time,

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 Validation

“You are so needy.”

It’s those words that almost ended one of my most important friendships. Those words split my soul. I didn’t think I was needy. I didn’t know what the hell she was talking about. Low self-confidence – yes. I have that. I get that. But I never saw myself as draining or needy. And I never expected to hear that from someone I thought cared about me.

Funny, I haven’t been able to escape those words for over a decade. They hit a chord, deep in my soul.

It is probably true that I seek external validation of my worth. But I am human. And I like to hear that I am good at what I do or that I am loved and appreciated. I guess some people don’t need that to thrive, but it sure helps me be the best me. Those words don’t bother me so much anymore. It is just a part of my human-ness and it is okay to want to hear how other people feel about you. To know that what you are doing makes an impact or that you are an important person in someone’s life. To know you are wanted. That is okay and it doesn’t make you needy; it makes you human.

I also find it a bit ironic that I would get into a career as a medium where people seek validation. A career where you cannot validate its authenticity with tangible proof.

Being released from those words just recently happened. This past weekend I attended the James Van Praagh workshop. At this workshop, he asked us to do a mediumship exercise where we did a reading for ourselves and ask for messages from spirit that we need to hear.

I don’t often ask for messages for myself. I ask to see glimpses of my own loved ones to know they are okay. To feel them around me. Same things everyone else asks, but I don’t ever sit down and try to do an actual reading for myself like I would for a client and this is exactly what James asked us to do.

After lunch I headed outside and said guide me to the spot where I need to be. I kid you not I walked directly to this tree that had a statue of St. Francis of Assisi who is the patron saint of animals. This is my papa’s saint. It is also the prayer that I have been repeating most often. In fact, I had read it three times that morning before attending the retreat and had read it each morning prior to that.

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace:
where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy.

O divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console,
to be understood as to understand,
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.
Amen.

Landing at this spot was no accident. I sat down and found a quiet centered place in my mind and heart and asked for a message from spirit.

The first thing that I saw was an elephant. She was beautiful. She walked toward me and extended her trunk. Her rich brown eyes were deep. I could see each wrinkle in her trunk and could feel her warm breath. Immediately I heard a voice that echoed my own heartbeat. “You are exactly where you need to be.”

A peaceful calm washed over my whole soul.

Partial image of a black and white elephant

Then she evaporated and behind her were all four of my grandparents. Each in pairs holding hands, smiling and waving. My papa stepped forward and said, “We all love you and we are all with you.”

My heart nearly exploded. Often I wonder if they are proud of me. I wonder what they think of me sharing my mediumship with others. What they think of me as a parent, friend, daughter, wife, human. In that moment, when I heard his words, my heart nearly exploded because their love washed over me. Completely unconditional. They were so happy and so glad to see me.

I share this experience because I think we all need love and validation. I think each of us needs these things to grow and become the best versions of ourselves. You don’t need to be ashamed of wanting these things or asking for them. You don’t need to wait for someone to tell you to do something nice for yourself; you should just be doing it because you deserve time, attention, and affection as well.

There are many people who do this naturally, but one thing I have learned about parenting and motherhood is often we as parents have to put ourselves last to insure that the needs of those we love are met and accounted for. It is important for us to remember to take a day or an hour or ten minutes and do something that helps remind us that we are loved and nourish ourselves so that we can move forward.

the-universe-is-conspiring-in-every-moment-to-bring-me-happiness-and-peace

You are not needy if you do this. You are human. You are worth it.

Until next time,

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Proof

This past week I started reading Rick Warren’s A Purpose Driven Life. See, I think we all want to define our purpose. After watching his TED Talk, I was intrigued. It is a 40 day challenge of sorts going through a chapter a day. Day 2 had me pretty excited. With a title like, “You Are Not an Accident” I am thinking it will help bring me clarity with my purpose. Warren writes, “God never does anything accidentally, and he never makes mistakes.”

Well, that is good news.

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See, in my life I have been fighting against feeling like a crazy, freak of nature for 39 years. My first memories of conversing and experiencing spirit were at two. I saw a man in my room that I later recognized as a great grandfather. Spirit was a large part of my existence. But if you hear voices, society tells you are crazy. If you speak to the dead you are a sinner and most likely a con-artist or really crazy.

So hearing that God doesn’t make mistakes; something I believe, but reading it in print makes me feel more at ease. I was made on purpose for a purpose. My intuition tells me it is to use this ability to help people. It is to comfort those that are grieving.

But, alas, by Day 3 I find the hiccup; using a psychic is a “dubious method” to find purpose in life.

Granted, that isn’t my intent when I share my gift, but sometimes spirit is trying to guide you towards your best self and those ideas are shared.

Still my heart sinks. Why can’t God and Mediums coexist?

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My heart and soul knows that God loves me. My heart and soul knows that God made me just this way on purpose. I know it isn’t my business what other people think. I know I shouldn’t care. But I do. I care that something I hold so dear is seen as such fraud, a con. I know there are people who are frauds and cons; that happens in every single profession.

Then, I sort of surfed YouTube looking at some medium videos and guess what? There were serval videos that literally were created to just debunk mediums that are on TV or do Stage Shows. One magician, who used to con people as a “medium” shared his tricks. I wanted to throw up. It made me sick to my stomach. But we can’t look away from a train wreck can we?

I know there are greater problems in the world. That this silly doubt and quest of mine to find like minded, authentic mediums is not important in the scheme of things and shouldn’t really weigh in on what I choose to do going forward, but it still keeps creeping up. It still enrages me that we can’t be taken at our word.

There is so much in this world we still can not prove. There is still so much we do not know for sure. My ability to receive messages from the other side astounds me. It doesn’t make sense. It shouldn’t be possible, but it is. Maybe there will never be proof in this life. Maybe I am a dubious sinner or a God created miracle exactly on purpose. I choose to believe the later. I chose to believe we can’t prove faith and we don’t have to. I choose to keep going down this path to see where it leads, because each step I take leads me to one miracle after another. Each step I take leads me to be more me than I was the day before.

Bottom line, I know some people need proof, but in the end I don’t need tangible proof. I know what I know and that is good enough for me.

Until next time,

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Spiritual Awakenings and YouTube

Do you know your truth?

Lately, I have been working on listening to my inner voice and trying to be deeply observant of what it tells me and what the universe places into my life.

Since the beginning of this blog I have been trying to document my journey to an authentic life and share the lessons that I am learning and today it hit me: I am unlearning. What does that mean? 

It means that we start out knowing an awful lot. As children we are deeply connected to light and spirit. We are connected to one another and trusting. That is how we are meant to be, you know? That is what the Universe/God wants for us (I use Universe and God interchangeably, but really whatever divine power you believe in I believe it is all one in the same so you can input your word for the Divine in place of mine as it suits you).

We are born knowing the light and basking in it. The world changes that in us. But the good news is we can always reconnect to that light; we just have to choose to do so. We can do it through choice, grace and being present to witness the light. Then you just hit repeat on that cycle, and baby you got it. 

That is what I have started to do. I am surrendering my life to love and light and allowing the Universe to deliver me to where I need to be and the things I need to know. You have to be present. You have to be watching. I know I am getting somewhere when the signs show up and say, “Hey Michelle, you are NOT losing your mind. You are right on track. Keep paying attention and I promise you are going to change the world.”

shine-bright-like-a-diamond

I had to go into San Jose today and I felt like listening to something uplifting. I figured why not listen to some TedTalks.

I happen across Gabby Bernstein’s mini Ted Talk. You can watch it here.  It was definitely a sign. Her truths resonated so clearly. So clearly in fact, I had a spiritual awakening listening to YouTube. So many things fell into place and I had an epiphany of understanding. I know what I know and it is the TRUTH regardless of what anyone else might think. It is my truth and if I choose to live it I will lead an extraordinary life filled with love and joy. Come on who doesn’t want that?

I am going share a little of that epiphany with you.

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Gabby starts her talk by explaining that she is worried about the time she has to give her talk, but after mediation this nugget of wisdom is revealed, “Tell your truth and time will expand.” You guys, remember when you were little and you felt like you had all the time in the world. That is because you were connected to the light. You had all the time in the world to learn what you needed to know. We need to let go of fear and believe and trust in the Universe that we have all the time we need to fulfill our purpose. Live our truth and time will expand.

She continues by saying that, “when inspiration is your guide you become a miracle worker.” Amen sister!

When we allow our creativity to run free without interference from fear of what other people might think amazing things happen…miracles happen. Think about the great people who have graced this world with their wisdom. Martin Luther King Jr. I am sure people thought he was crazy. Sure one day everyone will live in harmony. They probably still think he is crazy. But I believe him.

Mother Teresa. Come on, I am sure there were people who in the beginning were like, really you are doing to go live with the poorest of the poor and the sick? It took her two years to get approval, but that didn’t stop her.

I am sure we can think of a million others where the same logic applies – they followed their dreams and the calling of the Universe despite what other people thought and in doing so they changed the world. As I am listening to Gabby’s talk and thinking of people I consider heroes and mentors; they all have one thing in common they all follow their “crazy” callings. I am a medium. I speak to spirit. It doesn’t get any stranger than that, but when I lean into love, when I listen to my inner voice I see me speaking to thousands of people. I see me with a microphone in hand and several books under my belt. If I lean into love this life of my dreams is real. It is my truth. I know I am on my way to find it.

That truth can’t be any crazier than the advice I gave one of my dearest friends this morning…”It’s like Taylor Swift says, ‘the haters gonna hate’ which is basically what Mother Teresa says when she says, ‘do good anyway’. People are going to tear you down. People are going to say nasty things. People are going to disbelieve what you are capable of, but if you live in a way that you are constantly taking the next right step toward good people won’t believe them and so what if they do? You know you are doing the next right thing. God knows you are doing the next right thing and in the end that is all that matters.”

And if in one day I can compare the wisdom of Mother Teresa, Taylor Swift and Gabby Bernstein and see the sign of an angel on a Mexican Food Truck in front of me letting me know I am on the right path, than guess what?! Miracles can happen and we need to remember to believe in them just like when we were kids. Anything is possible. I believed in true love and love at first sight and I held out for it. I knew it had to be out there and it was. Did it show up like I expected? Nope. Was it when I expected? Nope. But that is how the Universe works. If you ask and believe it delivers, just in its own way.

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Miracles happen every day and every minute. Offer yourself the willingness to be open to them, the grace in missing them, and the knowledge that you will have the chance to choose again. Unlearn that misery and strife are a part of life. We are here connected to each other and the light to do good and be joyful. That is my truth and I choose to live that every day regardless of what else gets thrown down at my feet.

Hoping my truth, vulnerability and authenticity help you on your journey –

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I still suck at small talk and other things I probably shouldn’t write out loud!

So I am back on the kinder party circuit. You know the parties where parents stay and mingle while the kids party. Yep; that kind of party. As I watched my kiddos bowl yesterday I struggled with small talk. I did better mind you; I actually sought a couple of people out and chatted, but each conversation lasted two minutes at most because after “Hi, how are you?” I have nothing left in the tank. Instead I have to hold my tongue. My mouth and heart want to discuss Aleppo, the epidemic of parents who have forgotten to teach their children respect for authority, and how do we find a way to quell a nation of entitled youth.

See, I suck at small talk.

So my kids had a blast at the party and that is why I was there anyway. Sometimes, I just feel bad that they are learning social skills from an awkward introvert.

We leave that party and head to a Christmas gathering with our friends. We have all been friends since college, husbands and wives, but the other three couples had children six years behind us; live in the same city; and their kids attend the same prestigious private school. I on the other hand, have a child taller than me with a deep, rich voice and my youngest kids are older than most of their oldest kids.

They can socialize about what is going on at the school and have common interests and I still don’t fit in among people I should. While they talk about picky eaters and where they buy their kids clothes – I can’t even relate. I hear myself say, “I buy clothes at Children’s Place and Target because the kids grow too fast and are too hard on their clothes for me to spend a lot of money on them.” And the looks on the faces when I say that are like I am some kind of whackadoodle and maybe I am, but it makes me feel old. I remember caring about that stuff when my oldest was four and my youngest was almost two. I remember buying GAP clothes and worrying about them not eating their dinner. Now with four kids aged six and over I know they have to eat some of their dinner or they don’t get anything else that night; that they will live and most of the time don’t even remember that the struggle over dinner ever happened. I have learned that we care way more about brand when that is of so little importance. What really matters are that our children are clothed, fed and loved.

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See I let my kids dress themselves. This is how we roll to school.
And now I can’t really complain about private education anymore either. I used to think when people paid for private school they were paying for status. On top of that, I truly believed public education was just as good as private. In some places I still believe that is true. But alas, after my daughter was choked by a boy at school to the point where she couldn’t breathe; enough was enough. What was so sad to me was the teacher was so desensitized to the actions of this young boy she just asked my daughter to document the incident and nothing else came of it. Her teacher was so used to that boy’s behavior she didn’t even think it worth mentioning to me. This was the last straw in a sting of incidents spanning a year and a half. We knew she needed a safer place to learn.

We toured a private school and decided to send her there. She starts after the break and I feel like a weight has been lifted. She is finally going to be in a classroom where the students respect the teacher and are excited to learn. That I have to pay an arm and a leg for that still makes my stomach churn, but she needs a safe place to thrive.

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This girl deserves her best chance. All kids do.
Hmmm…what else is running around in my head these days that you don’t want to hear about…well you may not get a Christmas card from us this year. Yep; I have been late in the past, but I am not even close to getting started this year and Christmas is Sunday. You might get a Happy New Year card instead. It isn’t that I am feeling Bah Humbug toward Christmas; even though this post probably sounds that way; it is more that I am feeling like I just wanted to slow things down this year and savor Christmas. To really hunker down and feel the Spirit of the Season and it got away from me again. I am not finished with the shopping or the wrapping and it is a week away. None of the Spirit of the Season stuff happened. And I guess I am struggling with traditions a bit and what I would like Christmas to look like and what actually happens.

Maybe it is just that my oldest son only has six more years in this house with us before he goes off to college and while that seems like a good while the first twelve of his life have happened in a blink and even though I have tried to savor it; it is flying by faster than I can catch it.

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This is as close as we get to a family picture these days

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Yep nose picking shenanigans
I know I am writing about first world problems here when much bigger world problems take precedent, but when these nonsense, first world problem words started to flow through my brain I just had to write them down. I just had to think about something else for a brief second. I think that is really why I feel like Oscar the Grouch. When innocent women, men, and children are being killed and no one is stopping it you just feel helpless and when you feel helpless and sad sometimes I think it manifests itself into anger and I am just angry that we live in a world where yet another holocaust can happen and the people with the ability to stop it can’t or won’t. So I thought maybe my first world, nonsense spewing would relieve some of that distress and Oscar-ness. Maybe that is the real reason I can’t whip up the Christmas card; I can’t send out a smiling happy picture of my children when in their faces I see the safety, love and security that all children should feel in the world and yet so many don’t have access to it. It breaks my heart into so many pieces I can’t complete the task.

And that my dear readers is a whole lot of junk I probably should not write out loud, but did any way because that is what I do. I do things any way.

Love your people tight and if you can love other people’s people tight, too. And teach your little people to love other people’s people. I know that is a whole lot of people, but that is what there is…a whole lot of people and all of them need love.

Until next time,

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The messenger

Vague

Amazing

Insightful

Wise

Funny

Wordy

Transparent

Authentic

Relatable

Lunatic

Bully

Hate

Hypocrite

Liar

Monster

Sinner

Fraud

Stupid

Ignorant

Racist

Words are so powerful. Each of us has either been lifted or defeated by a few simple words.

Since an early age I have had a love of words. I love the shape and sounds of them. I have been in awe of their power both spoken and written. Words can stir people into action and bring people to their knees.

What I find amazing is the contrast of what we crave as human – positive affirmation and what we consume and download in mass quantity by choice – negativity.

Reality TV – Real Housewives, Real Crime Dramas, 24 hour Media Coverage of anything awful. These are highly watched, highly rated programs.

Ever read comments on social media posts? I know you do. One thing that always strikes me is those comments can get negative really quickly. People who are “friends” can exchange words through a screen that can alter their relationship. Words can create emotional wounds that are never forgotten.

It is interesting to me that while we want so much to be loved, accepted, and understood we purchase and buy into so much visual and auditory negativity. That we can quickly and angrily type messages to one another that are full of rage and hurt.

Many struggle with self-love. That has always been a struggle for me. Always. I need the Chip Gaines voice of self-confidence! Regardless of how we feel inside, it is how we treat others that matters when our time is up. I have that information on pretty good authority.

It is okay to disagree with one another, of course. We have to be open to critique. We can learn a great deal through the sharing of different opinions. It can change us for the better. Plus the world would be boring if we were all exactly the same. But it is paramount that we are respectful in our dissent. It isn’t open season for a personal attack because your opinion differs from another; especially in a world where tearing others down is becoming the norm; we must restrain from attacking one another and stick to thoughtfully and respectfully stating our difference of opinion.

Positivity starts and ends with us. If we focus together to be positive in our rhetoric and our actions that will change the world. Great leaders, local and worldly, are remembered by their actions, of course, but also by the words they chose to speak. And so are we. Maya Angelou was right when she said that people will be remembered by how they make others feel. Our words carry our emotions into the world. 

If we are going to change the tide of a nation it must begin by how we choose our words and actions. The frequency of the energy we radiate is the frequency of the energy that comes back to us. It is important to choose our words and tone carefully. There are people who I admire who have defined themselves as warriors and neighbors when it comes to their delivery of love and good news.

I think some of us are messengers. I am a messenger. Those of us that feel compelled to write and speak. Those of us that are filled with a knowing that we must share; we are the messengers. With the choice to share our words and have them read and then spread like fire we must remember that those words have power to build and to break. My choice is to deliver messages of hope, faith, peace, love and vulnerability. I choose to be a messenger that connects and builds. Some messengers are making the choice to breathe negativity and fuel a fire that continues to divide and separate. They think the power of potent and open hostility is what is going to spur change. It just breeds contempt and mistrust.

I know that when the warriors, neighbors, and messengers all move in a direction of positivity and love it will turn the tides of that flame. The good that flows through their actions will extinguish the pain and division. There is more good in this world than bad. I feel it in my bones; I know it in my heart, I see it in the quiet day to day actions of the people in my community. We have to stop paying attention to the negativity. Stop allowing its voice to roar.

So my friends, neighbors, warriors and messengers choose carefully and wisely and with a compassionate heart to listen as you work. To spread and share compassion and positivity so that we can build bridges to one another and continue to make this world a better place for each and every soul in it. It starts and ends with us.

With hope,


 

The time when acupuncture broke me

So I have been going to acupuncture for the past few months. It has really helped me. I know some people think it is whack and that I should probably see a real doctor, but after years of seeing doctors with no avail; I followed my soul and it led me to Anna. Plus, I am beyond what people think. I know this is working and I am all over people thinking I am crazy. Crazy is my jam.

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Ahnna is amazing. She is sweet and smart and best of all she listens to every word I say and she believes me.

Each time, I have gone something miraculous has happened. A little piece of me keeps getting put back together. The first time she truly set my energy right; I felt lighter and more centered than ever.

A few appointments later we talked about healing and how to make sure that I am also taking care of myself. Anna shared with me the work of Florence Scovel Shinn. Florence lived in the early nineteen hundreds and was a teacher and healer of sorts who prescribed words to people. You heard me right; she prescribed words. See crazy is my jam. Prescribing words is so simple and so right on the money.

Florence felt that what you put into the world came back to you – if you ask you shall receive. Sound familiar? There have been many before and after her that shared that same philosophy. Regardless, I think it is pure genius. Getting back to Anna, she incorporates Florence’s thought into her practice and has a blessing bowl filled with words that patients/clients can take on their way out.

Like I said we had been working on me taking better care of me during my session and on my way out, Anna said, “Don’t forget take a word.”

So, I reached in my hand and pulled out a word. Turned out it was just the word I needed – ‘beautiful’. That was the beginning of a transformation in me.

At the next appointment we did some serious energy cleansing. I know this will sound crazy, but she truly cleaned out all of this heavy weight I had been carrying in regards to being a medium.

Even though I believed in my gift at each of the reading appointments I went to I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop for the jig to be up; I guess maybe I didn’t feel deserving of the gift and that at some point it would be taken away. On top of that, I always felt the need to prove to people what I did was real and well there just isn’t an exact science to mediumship.

While she worked, Anna talked about the history behind mediums, healers, and empaths and how those people, especially women, were persecuted throughout history and even killed for using their gifts. She felt that I needed to let go of all that history and weight. She kept saying it was okay for me to do what I did and that I needed to be comfortable with it. I didn’t need to carry the past burdens of other women like me with me to each reading any more. Something inside me snapped. I wouldn’t fully understand until later what exactly, but I left that day and pulled the word ‘faith’ from the blessing bowl. I clutched it tight in my grip because my intuition sensed I would be needing it.

That was one rough week, none of my readings went well. My sales job had some huge surprises I hadn’t expected. I was trying to navigate those hurdles and feeling overwhelmed. I was emotional and more exhausted than I had been in some time. Something had to give. By the end of that week I was closing down my medium business and choosing to focus on my family to rein it in an attempt to slow my life down.

What also happened in the time between then and my next appointment seemed ordinary, but I think it was another message whispering, yep you are on the right path.

I became obsessed with Fixer Upper on HGTV. We were able to watch the show as a whole family and it was just so wholesome and authentic. Two things that soothe my soul. During those few weeks, I received an email about The Chip and Joanna Gaines Story being on audible and I bought the book. It was great because we all listened in the car and Chip and Joanna read the book. I was moved to tears more than once. Not that anything that was happening to them was happening to me, but so much of what they were reading aloud hit home.

One of the main chords of the book is Joanna listening to her intuition and always choosing to put her family first. Another way the universe is letting me know I made the right choice. And I kid you not, I finally got to the dentist after skipping several appointments and what was on TV in the room they took me to, Fixxer Upper.


I know I seem to be talking about two different things, but I am not. We are given little messages each and every day and my messages keep intersecting. So the other day when I went to my acupuncture appointment I explained to Anna how I thought my last appointment broke me, but in a good way. She obviously didn’t like that at all. But it had. It broke my misconceptions about myself. The last remaining threads that were holding me back from true joy and happiness were severed and I ended up making choices that helped me choose me and to see my life for its successes and strengths. To help me see myself as beautiful and full of faith. To really center myself and get back to being who I was and focus on that.

That in itself is a miracle.

But, Anna still didn’t like my analogy. So we decided that she had found my reset button and put me back on the path to finding my true joy in life. The small, simple every day things that matter most. Taking care of me will help me take better care of everyone else.

Anna sent me away with homework like she always does; she printed a page of quotes from Marianne Williamson. The below really hit home with me, so I share it with you, too.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that frightens us most. We ask ourselves,’Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?’ Actually , who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won’t feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” – Marianne Williamson.

Sheesh, another crazy tidbit I have always felt that I was a part of something bigger that I mattered on a great scale, but tried to shove that feeling deep down. I would always give myself a hard time – “Michelle,” I would say, “be humble you are no more important than anyone else.”

But that is just it. We are all that important. We are all a part of something bigger than ourselves. We all matter on a great scale and how we interconnect with one another is that bigger piece. We all have to shine brightly. Can you imagine what that would look like? All of us doing the best to be our best selves for ourselves and each other? Holy, holy. I want that, but in order to have that I have to start with myself and guess what so do you.

So back to Joanna and her story… Joanna ends the book by talking about how she decided to stop surviving her life and start thriving in her life. Oh my gosh! This is something I say all the time – you have to find your joy. You have to find it and choose it every day. Sometimes you have to choose joy minute by minute. That is just how life is. It can be your darkest day, your darkest hour, your darkest minute and you have a choice to make do you let the dark swallow you up whole or do you choose joy and cling to it with all you have left? I chose joy.

I am choosing to let my light shine.

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What does that mean exactly? I am still choosing my family and putting that first, but I am not going to hide who I am or shrink down in size to heal myself. I am going to continue to shine bright like a diamond (I can’t help it Rhianna has damaged me forever, any time I hear shine bright it now has to be followed by like a diamond) and be my awesome self. Helping others is also my jam. I am going to make sure Holiday Cheer gets off without a hitch and I am going to be more present for my family and friends.

I do think that my path is a forever winding. Last night, I just picked up Jen Hatmaker’s Interrupted and she talks about flipping the way we think and truly being a child of God. I know that I am being spoken to by the Universe. I am listening and praying and somehow all these messages that are flooding in are going to sort themselves out. There are big epiphanies coming I can feel it. Good ones; ones that are going to help fill my life with even more joy and faith.

But for right now the main message I want to share with you is this – choose joy; whatever that is and stop just surviving your life. Do the things you love. I know you have to pay the mortgage, but you don’t have to run yourself ragged doing all the things, making all the beds, scrubbing all the floors, mending all the fences, mowing the lawn every week, whatever it might be that is keeping you from digging into your life and relishing the good parts.

I am also not naive; I know people face real pain every day. People are fighting an up hill battle against disease, loss, pain, grief, or finances. And that can tear you apart and leave you as a shell of your former self. But I have witnessed first hand people in their darkest hour choosing joy, so I know I can too. My advice, you can take time to grab your kids and run out to the front yard to watch the beautiful sunset. You can choose to not lose your cool when the house is mess and instead get everyone involved in cleaning up together – make it a game. You can take your loss and turn it into something worth fighting for. You can take your pain and flip it into helping others. Life can be fun and full of joy. It is all in how you look at it.

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A cup half full kind of girl,

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Permission to say no thank you

It’s Friday afternoon and I am beyond looking forward to the weekend and a little relaxation. As I sit in this safe, cozy chair I want to bare my soul to you. See you my dear readers are family and friends who support me. You have come to mean a great deal to me as I journey to find my most authentic self.

Lately my life has felt like a ball of yarn that someone grabbed the free end of and let unravel all over a hard wooden floor. As I have tried to scoop it back up and wind into back into a neat, little ball I have done a great deal of praying and introspection.

Is this where I am supposed to be?

Was not teaching this year the right thing?

Should I have shut down my side business?

Am I making the right choices?

I waited for God or the Universe to answer me back, but there was only SILENCE. But I have deep faith, and I knew God would answer back. So I just kept patiently listening…show me which step is next. I thought of all the ways God could answer me. That is when I remembered my very first prayer on this journey of authenticity; I prayed for friends. God had answered with abundance as he usually does. So I started to think about what I was hearing from them.

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Strung together they may still seem random to you, but to me it was all the answers I had been looking for.

I am going to back up a minute because I think the whole picture is important. For the last decade and a half, which is most of my adult life, I have been preparing for WHAT I was going to be; not ever really focusing in on the WHO I was. See I only lived on my own for two years out of college and the majority of that time I was dating my future husband and just starting my career as a teacher. We were married and in that first year of marriage I was pregnant and preparing for motherhood. We went on to have four kids in the next seven years. I was always preparing to be…

a teacher

a wife

a mother

The twins were two before the haze of my life was starting to wear off. Don’t get me wrong I loved all the moments, but they moved by at warp speed and I was so busy being WHAT I was that I never did stop to define the WHO. Maybe this didn’t happen to you, maybe you had it all figured out. But I sure didn’t.

So when I started to try and find my authentic self to see who I was, I figured out a couple of things quickly. I wanted to make a difference, I wanted to have deep relationships and have a life with purpose. I thought that meant career, home, and self all at once. So I set out to do all the things.

And I did. I performed well at my full-time job, now in sales, but none the less I rose to the challenge of a new career and was executing it well. I was raising healthy, well-mannered, kind children. I had a solid partnership and loving marriage with my best friend. I started a side business that was beginning to flourish. And last, but certainly not least, I was writing. A dream I have had from a very young age and to my surprise people were reading my little blog. Slowly at first, but more and more with each passing year.

I really was doing it all and doing it well. But with so many balls in the air at once things were slipping and falling. Unfortunately, my focus was on the things that dropped, not the things that rose to the surface. I was just noticing the things that went wrong or didn’t get accomplished.

I was running on empty.

It was too fast. I was on a hamster wheel and I needed to get off.

Fear gripped me though. Wasn’t I supposed to fill up my life with the things I wanted? And I was successful, so why pull back? Outside looking in; I had it all. But…

I was in the worst physical shape of my life and nearing an emotional low. How was this happening?I had listened to my intuition and by some blessing or luck I was achieving all of my dreams. But the problem was in the whirlwind of doing it all I wasn’t actually enjoying them. So I have started stripping things down. If something didn’t feel right no matter the public humiliation or sense of failure at the time I stopped doing it.

I needed to put my oxygen mask on first.

Maybe saying no to soccer so we weren’t gone all afternoon was saying yes to the precious down time we needed to re-energize. 

So I stripped it all away – learning the things I didn’t want to do.

I’m still a work in progress, but I knew being a mom was what I really wanted. So I chose to put my family first. I am home afterschool and at bedtime. If my kids need me, I drop what I am doing and make sure they get what they need.

I am also putting me first. I am trying to find my way back to running. I am writing again. I have made overdue dentist and doctor appointments and am trying acupuncture to put myself back together again.

I am also taking stock in my success. My mediumship gift is just that a gift. It belongs to me and God will continue to show me when and where to use it. If it is meant to be a business again when my kids are older it will be. Just because others are demanding it of me doesn’t mean I have to share or answer their demands. My family and myself need to come first. Each of us is a gift. We must nourish ourselves, too.

I was “fucking crazy” not to like myself. I may be an introvert and run and hide. But I am kind, hard-working, bright, determined, compassionate and contrary to what I said on an Internet questionnaire 10 years ago – I would LOVE to be my friend.

So the last of what I heard hit home, too. I know that what I am doing is the right thing. When I got to hold my friend’s infant son for the first time, I was “glowing” holding that baby. I felt a sense of peace wash over me. God was answering me. Yes, taking the time for my friends and family – this is right.

I can say no thank you or maybe later. I do not have to do all the things all at once.

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So I guess what I am hoping to share with you all is…

have faith…

If you can’t find or see your answers, don’t stop looking for them. Handle yourself with kindness. You have permission to NOT do all the things all at once or ever if you don’t want to.

A wise person always tells me, “You can do one thing really well, two things okay and three things not all.” It is okay to slow things down and focus on the one to two things you really want to do well; the rest will fall into place.

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Scared

In a weeks time I have written about bravery and grace and just being okay with the falls we experience in life and yet no matter how much I try there is an undercurrent of fear in my heart.

It’s okay to be scared right? Lately I am scared of everything. Okay longer than lately; it started when I was born. I think I was born with extra sensitivity to the world and somehow that made me more afraid of the world; well maybe not the world, but the energy and emotions in it.

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I am scared of the little and the big things.

For starters, I am scared that no matter how much I empty my heart and pour it into my writing that this blog will continue to be nothing more than a diary that is more important to me than anyone else, which is okay, but I want to be a writer so much it hurts. So much that sometimes I run and hide from my own writing and I don’t write because no matter how hard I try or much I write it will never be good enough for anyone else to read.

I am scared that no matter how much I know that God loves me and believes that I am enough;  I will never feel like I am enough. That the weight I continue to feel will only continue to grow – this weight that I feel has already manifested itself into the weight that I carry and I can feel myself waving the white flag as I am crushed somewhere underneath it all. I am scared that no matter how much I want to be seen; that no one really sees me at all.

I stopped watching the news a decade ago because if it hurt my heart then it definitely could damage my tiny son’s ears and heart, too. So off went the news, because I was so scared and my heart was so hurt by the toxins that spewed from it. There had to be better things to report. But now when we are praising men for sitting during our national anthem, when our police officers are seen as the criminals and men are shot in the street for the color of their skin and whole groups of people are killed around the world for their ethnicity or beliefs and our leaders seem filled with more darkness than light maybe there isn’t better news to report. And that is scary. So scary that when I think about the world I am terrified that no matter how kind I am or how much good I try to put into the world that the darkness in it will swallow me up whole and not just me, everything that I hold sacred; everything and everyone that I love.

Scared doesn’t begin to describe how I feel about being a parent. Failing seems to be the name of the game. I know I have taught them manners and I know they are the kids that will help other kids and be kind; that part of life I think they understand. They are really great kids. But this year my kindergarteners have been kicked, choked, pushed, shoved, yanked and called names with words I don’t even allow out of my own mouth. My daughter continues to try to navigate a place where mean is the norm. That scares the crap out of me. I have had to teach them how to fend for themselves and that shouldn’t even exist at their age. What in the heck is happening in the world that our children are behaving this way? This scares me to death. Haven’t we come to be a civilized people where we don’t have to fear for our lives every time we walk out into the world?

The chaos is gobbling up the innocence of our world. The chaos and darkness are pushing out the light at a fierce pace and I can’t help but feel helpless. And that terrifies me. How can I help my own children understand a world that scares the shit out of me? Scares me to the point that I can’t read the news anymore either, because what I read leaves me shaky and nauseous.

Yesterday as we drove home from school the kids started to talk about how they feel things they can’t see. How the current of energy runs through them. Other people’s energy. This scares me to death. They are like me, extra feel-y. I still struggle with not letting other people’s energy invade my space, my emotions, my thoughts. How am I going to teach my littles not only how to fend off actual physical threats but also emotional, maybe even spiritual ones too? They feel this same unbalanced chaotic energy in the world that I do and can’t explain how or why it is hurting them.

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I know we have to go forward and love one another and do good and continue to live our lives to the fullest and that the darkness wins when we feel fear, but sometimes that isn’t enough to stop me from feeling it. Sometimes I am engulfed in fear and feel shaky all day.

I know people who the absolute worst has happened in their lives and they continue to take one step forward; sometimes because life forces them to, but they do it. I am inspired by that and I know that despite my fear that I will continue on as I have been and do my best to do good any way, but I feel better admitting the fear.

Maybe if we are afraid together something good can come of that. Maybe acknowledging the fear leads to a way to face those things we fear and conquer them. Maybe…

Scared but hopeful,

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In the beginning…

I guess my first memory of spirit is when I was two. There was a man in my room. He seemed harmless, but was a tall, balding, thin old man that would come in my room near bedtime each night. Sometimes I would wake up and he would just be there. Even though I could see him clearly I knew he didn’t quite belong. I would go get my mom and beg her to stay and sleep with me. She never saw what I did, but sometimes would stay in my room to calm me back to sleep.

Many years later I would see a picture of my great-grandfather and the mystery of who was in my room each night was solved.

We moved to Spokane when I was three and things got crazier. We happened to live in a neighborhood with a great deal of negative activity. There was a house at the top of the street that a nasty old woman lived in. Funny enough I asked my parents about this house just a few weeks ago and they said it never existed; but I could see it plain as day. It must have been a house that was there before they built our neighborhood. She was not happy to have all the houses nearby and it wreaked havoc. Her negative energy drew in other negative energy.

It was at this house that I was chased to my room regularly by what I would call a demon. It was just a negative male spirit who would appear like a large black dog with red eyes and chase after me down the hall. I know that sounds crazy, but if there were a good sketch artist at hand I could still describe the form precisely.

This is also the house where I had my first dream that relayed to me how I had died in a past life. I watched my lifeless young body be thrown into a pit with other bodies. We were diseased and had to be disposed of after our death. We were all thrown into this pit without a marker. It was somewhere outside of Austria.

Not too long after that we moved to Colorado, I started kindergarten. The bus stop was at the top of our street and after my baby sister was born I often had to walk home by myself. A man with cowboy boots with spurs would often follow me home. He scared me because I didn’t recognize him and I asked him to stay further behind me and to please make the spurs quiet. He obliged like a good cowboy and continued to stay behind me for many many years. He followed me many places and didn’t like when I was left alone.

While all of this seemed normal to me a part of me knew not everyone; especially adults could see what I could see. Many of the kids around me could see things, too even though we didn’t discuss it. I did tell my BFF in kindergarten. But by first grade no other kid that I knew could see the things I could.

We were at recess one day when I turned to my friends and asked whose dad that was on the playground. There was a man in his forties watching the kids play. None of them saw who I was talking about, not one. That is when I decided it was time to stop talking about what I could see to anyone else.

It would be at least ten years before I spoke to anyone besides family about what I could see again.

And that is just the beginning,

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Legit

My heart is heavy tonight as I write my life lessons post for late June/half way through July, but I still felt this need to write so here I am.

I am going to start with the heavy.

We need to pray people…

France, Dallas, Baton Rouge, the whole globe. We need to take a moment and pray.

We ate out tonight and the family at the table next to us bowed their heads and prayed and offered gratitude before their meal. I was struck by how this simple act was so profound and healing.

We need to pray.

We need to lean in together and pray. No color, all religious preferences, all sexual orientations, just gather as humans and pray for one another.

And now on to the lighter side of things just because I feel like if I keep thinking about the heavy and the world my children may inherit if things don’t change I don’t know what…

Where does the title legit come from? Well, I have this awesome friend, Cristal and she is always saying how things are “legit” and well life lessons and life in general are just legit; I mean you can’t get more real than every day life.

We need to laugh people…

Laughter is truly the best medicine for the soul. We need to laugh and play and just enjoy the moments that we do have when we can. (Sometimes you have kids crying and shit is legit and you cannot laugh at that moment, but you will laugh later and that is the thing to remember…laugh when you can laugh). For example, one of the twins locked themselves in the bathroom 4 years ago and then seriously did it again this week. I was quick to laugh because I learned from that first lesson and that nifty little key to unlock the door this time was a life saver.

But a couple of suggestions if I may…

Download Snap Chat and play with it. My son thinks I am whack because I don’t post anything on Snap Chat, I have it just for the filters. And I say so what?! Because seriously I have never laughed so hard. And really do I need another place to post crap?

 

Because that is too legit to quit…am I right?

And play like a kid because sometimes it is just freeing and fun…

Billy Beez, I highly recommend it. It’s legit.

The family that dabs together stays together…

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Enough said, because they did this over and over and over and laughed and laughed.

Even dogs get excited to order Starbucks…

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Seriously, I think that dog ordered a latte and a lemon scone. I hope he paid for the car behind him, because random acts of kindness are legit.

Wear the crazy leggings…

So I know, LuLaRoe is kinda cray, cray the way people hunt and shop and talk about unicorns. You don’t have to get sucked all the way in…but those buttery soft leggings, I mean, I pull those on and I feel 12 all over again. It’s the 90s with Full House and Rave Hairspray. And that is worth $25 and a little embarrassment when you are wearing them at the grocery store right?

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But mostly do what it takes to get through…

Life is not fair. I know I have first world problems, but I empathize and understand that a lot of people do not. I know that things can be so hard. I deal with death on a daily basis and I know first hand what shattered lives look like. I know. I do.

I think we each have to do what we can to get through. To find our way.

For me, it’s knowing that I will teach my children to leave a place better than you found it, use their manners, do their best, chase their dreams and always help the person up behind them. To listen to other people’s stories.

I will work to make sure they take responsibility for their actions and pitch in and help out wherever they can. To teach them understanding and compassion in a world that so desperately needs it. And mostly to love them. But also to love my life and set the example. To be a person who shows not tells. To be a person that is afraid, but lives life any way.

And these sweet faces help keep me legit. Two of these faces turn 6 tomorrow. Two of these faces are closer to being a teen than a kid. All five of these faces are the best parts of my life. All five of these faces can drive me absolutely bat shit crazy and at the same time make my heart explode with adoration and unconditional love. These five faces get me through each day…

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Until next time,

Michelle

Who cares what other people think?

“If people enjoy what you’ve created, terrific. If people ignore what you’ve created, too bad. If people misunderstand what you’ve created, don’t sweat it. And what if people absolutely hate what you’ve created? What if people attack you with savage vitriol, and insult your intelligence, and malign your motive, and drag your good name through the mud? Just smile sweetly and suggest – as politely as you possibly can – that they go make their own [flipping] art. Then stubbornly continue making yours.” – Elizabeth Gilbert, Big Magic

Elizabeth Gilbert and my sweet wise-owl friend who lent me Ms. Gilbert’s book just might have given me the best gift ever; a permission slip to stop caring what people think. How liberating is that?!

It is probably about time that I say out loud and with full certainty I absolutely love speaking with spirit. I never stopped acknowledging or talking to spirit because I liked it. It was comforting and in all reality built my faith more than any church I have attended. Using my gift is like fully breathing. It is as much a part of me as my hazel eyes or the color of my skin. Fear kept me back from using it publicly for 35 years. How silly! How immature! Who cares what other people think?

I mean really.

Here I was saying I was the biggest skeptic in the room and then feeling hurt when people would say things like, “It was wonderful. 90% of what was said made perfect sense”. I would hang on to that 90% like what the hell – why do they need a claim to 10% was pure nonsense?! Well of course they did because I set the example! So stupid.

I let my fear of what other people thought be my own crutch. And I hate crutches! I will be that old lady on her scooter with a souped up engine and streamers on the handles. Did I mention it will also most likely be hot pink with glitter? Well it will and I will ride it and laugh with pride. Because who cares what other people think?

Well guess what – if I don’t care what other people think and if I really dig down deep; I am not skeptical at all. The most amazing things have happened when I have freed myself from doubt and embraced my gift with my whole heart.

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Like this week for example, I was struggling because I was giving a damn what people thought. Reacting to the output of my work – which I cannot control by the way – I can only do the work and what happens after is not my responsibility. I have nothing to do with how people interpret what is said or their experience with my specific gift. I can only do it to the absolute best of my ability and with the purest of heart and then continue on doing the work.

But I digress, I was struggling with things and you know what? The universe answered. It always does. Each reading this week offered me insight.

I had read that speaking to the dead was a sin and not a gift from God. There was discussion that said that when these spirits come through they say everything is all right and then basically you are off the hook to live a good and decent life. That is not the case! The readings this week reinforced that. Spirits came forward to talk of how they have to pay for their mistakes, how they are held accountable. Others came through talking of how they get to meet with religious leaders of all faiths. How they come together to teach other souls how to continue grow spiritually even in heaven. They talk of a hierarchy of things. There are angles that come through that bring words of praise and compassion, but also talk of caution of our faults.

But most importantly, my faith, what I experience as God is present in every single reading. I don’t allow anything different. That is all that matters. I know that and so who cares what other people think? That isn’t my problem; it is theirs. I can only control my reaction and I chose not to react. I chose to continue on with my principles and faith as I see fit.

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But above all else; I know that without a doubt something miraculous is happening when I give a reading. There are things I cannot possibly know; that the person I am talking to does not know. They have to talk with relatives to confirm. I have even had a reading done myself when the medium knew something I couldn’t and I asked my family to find it to be absolutely true.

So here is the vow I am taking;

I have to share messages from spirit and I have to write. These two things make me whole.

These two things bring me joy and I love them both immensely. I will not let fear rob me of my joy in doing these things.

I will not let perfectionism destroy what I know I am perfectly capable of doing. I will do these things because I love them no matter what may come.

I will not be afraid to look ridiculous or sound foolish. I will speak my truth to the best of my ability. Everyone has that right as a decent human and I do to.

It is what I love to do; it is what I must do. 

I will not complain or feel angst over this anymore. I don’t feel angst about it at all; I have only ever had angst because I was worried about what people thought and I really don’t want to worry about that any more. I have enough to worry about and now I can scratch that off my list. No more apologies. 

I will believe I am worthy. We are all worthy and so that means so am I. 

I speak soul; I offer messages from the other side for healing; I can help those who grieve and it is absolutely as invaluable to me as the air I breathe. I will do it because I adore it regardless of what other people think.

wurd.amen.to new freedom from fear and all that jazz!

XOXO,

afourytale

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