August and Half of September Lessons 2015 style…

August and Half of September Lessons 2015 style…

*etsy print – click image to visit the original source
1. Do not write about how depression feels, but if you forget to take that advice and do it anyway…

Be ready that it could have the opposite effect of what you intended. If you write about how depression feels in an effort to let people see inside of you be ready for some people to talk to you as if you might break and be ready to hear a thousand ways that you can get help. (If you have read the blog you know I see a therapist and have seen my medical doctor about depression. My family and friends are aware and I really am fine. I was just writing about it with the intent to inform).

2. This too shall pass

Bliss

For the last couple weeks, my kids have fought like CRAZY – and I know they will survive, but I MAY NOT survive. It is looney toons up in this hizhouse. One minute they are all working together to earn thousands of tickets at Chuck E. Cheese and sharing and the next minute they are teasing each other, tattling, fit throwing.

OMG - Fit throwingIt is a roller coaster ride I would gladly pass up. But, I know that mixed in with these moments of fighting that all the good stuff happens. I am just so done with attitudes and bickering at the moment that it takes me about 20 minutes to realize that this too shall pass.

3. It is okay to be an introvert

http://www.buzzfeed.com/jessicamisener/21-things-introverts-love?sub=2809321_2105375#.bwmrnedvEQ
http://www.buzzfeed.com/jessicamisener/21-things-introverts-love?sub=2809321_2105375#.bwmrnedvEQ
I can not tell you how many parties I have not attended because I needed down time or how many parties I attended where I socialized a total of 10 minutes out of the 3 hours spent at the party. People also think this is odd and that something is wrong with you. Nothing is wrong with you. You just might be an introvert and that is a normal healthy thing to be. It is okay if you need time to recharge. You will refuel and be able to connect again. Shake off what people think, take your time to recharge and move on.

4. Some dogs chew everything

Roxie Baby

If you happen to ever want to get a Collie – they chew every single ever-loving thing. They are super smart, too. They absolutely find the thing that will cost the most money or be the most missed and they chew that. Tonight it was the new license plates and registration for the new car. She literally pulled it from out of all the other mail on the counter and chewed that. Still wondering if she actually likes us.

5. You will survive your own child entering middle school

You will survive

My oldest started middle school this year. It is an awkward feeling dropping your child off into a world that you only know about through memory or hearsay. The good news is that the awkward feeling passes and they find their way just as you find yours.

6. Do not look up school lunch ideas on Pinterest

Holy lunch making mamas! There are some crafty and talented lunch making moms and when you see what they make for lunch and how they make it you will quickly feel inadequate unless you yourself are one of these Pinteresting mamas. This is where I need to channel Amy Poehler, “Good for you, not for me!” So glad there are moms our there that can express their creativity this way – I may put together some new ideas for what is in my child’s lunches from these beautiful creations, but there will be no dolphins or cute little faces inside my kiddos lunch boxes. Nope, not happening.

School Lunch Pin 1

school lunch pin

Well that is it for now, until next time,

Me

What depression feels like…

What depression feels like…

Depression feels like a long, dark tunnel with too little breathing room, too much discomfort and an impossible journey ahead. Luckily for me there is always a pinhole of light at the end of my tunnel. Still I become wrapped in a blanket of despair; choking on my own illogical self-hatred, all the while struggling to break through. Scrambling for air and light.

Depression is a sneaky bastard. You think you have the upper hand, that you are in control and then you wake up and you can’t remember if you have a purpose or if you matter. You know those thoughts make no logical sense, but depression does not make sense. It takes a powerful grip on your soul and sucks out the hope and logic to feed itself; to grow and take a foothold in every waking thought.

There is little to do to escape when it takes over. Exercise can help, but sometimes that gives you too much time to think and there are not enough distractions. Reading and writing have always helped me; been an escape and a release respectively.

Sunshine doesn’t really seem to exist. Even on the brightest days; all you can feel and see is darkness; depression’s invisible hand casting a gray shadow over everything and trying to keep you down.

You can’t seem to escape the notion that everything you touch is tainted; ruined somehow because you are a part of it.

I know there are people that think this is something we can help; something we can just shake off. It is real; it is not something that is simple to “shake off” and it is a constant battle against our own brains that are creating chemicals in an imbalance that causes us to see the whole world in a completely different way. That causes us to view ourselves in a completely different way. Skews our reality in way that traps us in a dizzying pattern of self-loathing.

Couple this with the sensitivity that tends to accompany depression and we are vulnerable to others perceptions of what brain health looks like; what “normal” should be and how we should feel in order to be accepted. Leaving us feeling more crippled than before.

Now, having depression isn’t all horrible. Sometimes I feel that depression has given me an insight into others so deep that empathy and compassion are second nature. Depression gives me a heightened awareness of others feelings, emotions, and well being.

Depression isn’t all bad. Each one of us has battles; we are all fighting something. Some days, my most difficult days like today; I wish people treated each other with kindness first and kept their judgement and contempt in check. I wish people didn’t throw around the word “crazy” so easily and weren’t so dismissive about depression and brain health. Sometimes it would be nice if the pace of life was a little bit slower and our priorities a bit more centered toward family instead of work and materialism.

Suicide prevention week just passed, but I write this to let you know each week should be suicide prevention week. Suicide rates in the U.S. continue to climb, even though we are not the country with the highest suicide rate suicide is still the 11th leading cause of death in the U.S. But what is more shocking is that there are over 375,000 people a year that are admitted to Emergency Rooms with self-inflicted injuries.* Many of these meant to be fatal. We can do something. We can remind people that they matter. We can make an effort to be kind and less judgmental. So the next time you see someone hurting or down; drop what you are doing and reach out. Look up and smile; find something kind to say and let them know they matter. Help them find the light at the end of their tunnel.What Depression Feels Like

*http://www.cdc.gov/ViolencePrevention/pdf/Suicide-FactSheet-a.pdf

April Lessons 2014…

April Lessons 2014…

April Lessons

Has this first week of May been a doosey for you, too?  Lots of weird little things popping into your day. Running into strange occurrences while you are out and about? It just has been an odd little week, but it got me thinking about my April Lessons and what I should be learning in this life. Do you ever do that? Wonder what life’s events are trying to teach you? Maybe I attach meaning to too many things, but it is what helps me keep on keeping on, so it is what I do. If you are that kind of person that you get me and that is why I share my lessons in hopes that they will resonate with you. So if you are taking a rest from a crazy week to be a bit reflective this post is for you.

1. Find your church:

Alright so let me be clear, I am not saying go out and find an actual church exactly. I say exactly because if you have found a church you love then go there. If you think an actual church is what you need and you don’t have one, then by all means go out searching. Even though I am baptized Catholic, the Buddhist Churches have always been my favorite. But church is not for everyone. Church is not everyone’s place that they feel the most connected to God or where they even find peace.

For me running is my church. When I am out jogging I am talking to God. I spend the majority of my run being thankful and grateful for my life. And most of my time out there witnessing God’s work. The mastery of the landscape and the gifts that have been bestowed in my life; that is where I connect with God in ways I have never found anywhere else. When I stopped running 18 months ago I lost this. This past week, I am on my way back to it again. Finding your church fills you up in ways nothing else can.

2. Never give up:

We live in a world full of excuses and blame. When I taught I used to write this on the white board.

I can't

Then I would draw this over it:

I Can't crossed out

We can do anything. I know sometimes it seems impossible, that everything is stacked against us and obstacles pop-up in every instance. The one thing I have learned is that if you want to do something you will find a way; no matter what. If you don’t want to do something than you will find an excuse. So my point is if you are after something, if you want it; do not allow excuses to happen. Get past the obstacles, get past the doubt, get past the objections, keep going and you will get to where you want to be. When the haters out there tell you, you can’t; when you tell yourself in weakness that you can’t – make sure that the strength inside you answers, “watch me”.

3. The upside of depression:

So when you live with depression your inner voice and your brain feel as if they work against you. Waking up is hard, taking the first step is hard, you feel like you are worthless in every sense. You feel like you damage everything you touch. You walk around the world with your nerve endings on the outside of your skin. Each thing that happens to you; you feel it for days, weeks, months. You feel each thing deeply.

There is goodness in that . You develop a sense of empathy that other people cannot match. You know what it is like to feel and to be broken. With that comes an understanding of others that is vast and deep. If you are “extra feely” as I like to call it, then you are extra kind, extra caring, and you reach out to help others even when you don’t always help yourself. You know hurt when you see it in someone else’s eyes even when they are wearing their strongest mask. You see the line in someone’s smile that is just a tad bit off, that shows their pain even when they laugh.

These things can help us connect. Depression leaves you feeling alone, so lost that sometimes it seems like a dark, dank never-ending cave. But if we use our “extra feely-ness” as a spidey sense; then we can connect to others when they need it most. We can catch the things others might miss. Our kryptonite can be our super power if we learn to use it instead of succumb to it.

4. Every single day is a do over:

You know when we were kids and we got do overs. The other day I was thinking about how much I missed those. And then it hit me; every single day is a do over. We get another shot to make things right and do better because we know better.

To quote Glennon Melton, “God is forever tries.” God is forever tries. He gives you another chance every single sunrise.

5. Shake the “busy’s”:

Everyone is busy. Anyone you talk to you can tell you how fast life is going, how busy they are and how little time that they have. I fall into this trap all the time. Do you?

I know, it is hard not to. There really is so much going on in our lives and the blessing of technology also has created a much more fast paced environment. Everyone is in a rush to get through all the things.

It is my goal each day to try to shake the busy’s. You have as many hours in the day as Beyoncé. Now I know you may not have as much help as she does to get through your day, or the funds to do all the crazy adventures you might want to; I get it. But if you take excuses out of the equation and you envision the life you want to have; then all you have to do is make that your goal for the day. Don’t be too busy to get your work out in. Don’t be too busy to read that book to your little one. Don’t be too busy that you can’t check in with that friend you have meant to. Don’t be too busy that you can’t take five minutes to yourself to reflect upon your day. All of these things are important. Focus on what you want in a day and make that your priority. Everything else will still be there and still get done, eventually. Take your time and do what you think is important and time will slow down.

So know you know what I have reflected on during all the craziness this week. What are you learning? I would love to hear more about what meaning you are extracting from life’s events. Tell me all about it on my facebook page or your facebook page with the #myaprillessons. Or you can just leave me your lesson in the comments.

We are unlimitedI can’t wait to hear what you are learning…

On pins and needles,

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You are only given one spark of madness

You are only given one spark of madness

“You are only given one little spark of madness. You mustn’t lose it.”

– Robin Williams

Even as I type this fear grips me, I am breaking out in a sweat and my fingers shake. Getting out of bed this week has been harder than it’s been in three months. The horror that depression won this week rattled me. I know I wasn’t alone. Those suffering from depression all had the same selfish thought at the news of Robin Williams’ death; the monster won, the disease won. It doesn’t matter if you have fame, fortune, love, adoration, success; depression will eat you alive.

It is hard for those that don’t have depression to understand. I have heard people talk of his selfishness –

“How can someone leave all their family behind?”

“How could someone do that to the people they love?”

I am so glad that those of use with mental illness are speaking up and letting our vulnerabilities shine this week. Those of us suffering are your best friends, mothers, daughters, sons, fathers, and neighbors. If we all speak up together, those that think they are better off in hiding will know it is okay to show themselves and get help in their fight.

Here’s the skinny for those still struggling to understand depression:

Our brains don’t work the same as everyone else’s.

Our brains tear us down from the inside out.

We feel alone in a crowded room full of people who love us, even when the crowd is there to celebrate us.

We are terrified to get out of bed in the morning, even on the best days because each day is a battle with ourselves.

We logically know that sounds crazy.

We logically know you can choose happiness.

We logically know that there is medicine, hotlines, doctors, friends, and support groups.

But when the deepest, darkest days of depression hit none of the logical thoughts matter. The logical side of our brains aren’t winning those days. The part that presses us down; the part that devours our goodness and light; that is the part of our brain that is winning those days. That part of our brain thinks we are a drain on those around us, that the world is better off and no amount of logic outweighs the feeling of worthlessness that consumes us.

Even when you are winning the battle against depression; it still whispers in the corners of your brain. It hides on the edges of your happiness. It is never really gone.

Lately, my battle with depression has been easier, but I am literally scared to death of the day it isn’t easy again. That the dark days will come roaring back. They do that, you know, sneak right up on you out of the middle of nowhere. The news the world heard this week only made that fear more tangible. I have actually felt depression in the air, breathed in its thick venomous fumes.

There was some relief for support and awareness that depression is what caused a great man to lose his life this week. The relief that the stigma of mental illness is easing a bit. However, in the conversations and opinion articles I have also heard that stigma and misunderstanding that has existed for eons still rearing its ugly head. I wasn’t going to weigh in on this topic this week, but I think the more of us that show our faces – the faces of depression, OCD, anxiety, bipolar disorder, post traumatic distress disorder, postpartum depression and mental health disorders; the more the world will begin to understand. The more acceptable it will become to get help; to take that step away from fear and reach out into the world for assistance.

I have taken my Lexapro this week like it was a life saving elixir. I have thanked the gods of medicine over and over. I have never been more grateful for those few milligrams of magic brain saving goodness.

Looking forward 30 years though, when my house is quiet and the pattering of little feet filled with joy have moved on with their lives and I will be left to my thoughts more than ever is unnerving. When my book still sits unpublished or even if I am surrounded with success, but I still feel alone in a crowded room, I pray that my demons of worthlessness are not greater than me. I pray that every day. I pray that my own inner spark of madness does more good that harm.

The best way to honor the man who lost his battle this week is to speak out. To remind those still suffering and fighting the fight that you are not alone. To help one other remember that you can seek help; even on your darkest days. There is a safety in numbers my friend and there are a mighty good number of us in this fight against depression. We have each other if nothing else.

Getting help was the best thing I ever did. Please get help if you need it. If you know that someone needs help, gently offer it. We can help the world recognize that mental illness is just that, an illness. It is an illness that takes lives like any other illness. Be kind to each other because after all that matters most.

Letting my spark of madness shine today,

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Seemingly All Together – My Messy Beautiful

Seemingly All Together – My Messy Beautiful

afourytale-my messy beautiful

“I have to admit, I found you rather intimidating when I first met you. You just seemed like you had it all together: career, four great kids, good marriage.” My friend of two years relays to me over coffee.

That image, the one people see of me is so far from what resides deep under my skin.

To the outside world looking in, my life looks pretty darn good; and it is; I have a lot of greatness in my life.

Fab marriage.

Four hilarious, smart, healthy kiddos.

Fruitful career.

Faithful and supportive friends and family.

All those things are beyond wonderful and I appreciate each ounce of that in my life (most of the time – sometimes you will find me hiding in my closet); I know that in an instant that can all change. None the less, I still cringe when I hear people describe me as “having it all together.” That just isn’t humanly possible, which is a good thing because in all the in-between that is where the beauty lies.

I want people to see the whole beautifully imperfect me. The one that has dishes in her sink and on her counter, piles of laundry to both clean and fold. Toys strewn everywhere, while I struggle to fold a fitted sheet and then decide to just put it away in the mangled mess that I made of it. Walls full of kid art and an over abundance of family photos.The mom whose kids forget their manners and have to be HOUNDED to clean their room. Kids who bicker with each other day in and out. A family that some weeks eats out more than we eat in. A mother of sweet babies who forgets to remind them to brush their teeth on occasion because holy goodness bedtime is exhausting.

Silly

But more than that, I want people to know that I fight daily with a LOUD, colossal, ill-tempered, relentless bully named DEPRESSION. I struggle with body image and weight gain to the point where I have difficulty looking in the mirror. Which unfortunately won’t get any easier because 18 months ago I had lost 22 pounds and yesterday I got on the scale. It is all back. EVERY SINGLE POUND. That made today an extremely hard day; because despite the fact that I have already run over 100 miles this year my stress eating has gotten the better of me once again. I am going to lose the weight again, I can fight this fight and win. I can. But today I am wallowing a bit, but that is the person that I want people to see. The one that wallows even when other people suffer from so much more. I am only human.

Bottom line, my life is absolutely beautiful while at the exact same time a whirling, jumbley mess. I choose to wear my imperfections on my sleeve because we need to show each other our true selves. Once we can all do that, the jig is up baby and we can all just be our happy, messy, beautiful selves for all to see.

We can do hard things

Living out loud in a messy beautiful way,

M

Thanks to Glennon at Momastery for introducing us to one another through the Messy, Beautiful Warrior Project — To learn more and join us, CLICK HERE! And to learn about the New York Times Bestselling Memoir Carry On Warrior: The Power of Embracing Your Messy, Beautiful Life, just released in paperback, CLICK HERE!
MBW-285

Round here…

I lose my voice from time to time, because I start over thinking things. I have been trying to make this blog a better place for readers to stop. I want this blog to mean something to someone else; to have purpose and so I have been really struggling with the purpose of this blog. Struggling with who the audience is. Struggling with writing what they want to read. I even struggle with the whole notion of writing, but I think I was born to write – I am compelled to write against my better judgement. Somehow I always find myself behind this keyboard writing a message that comes from my spirit; my intuition – there is no logic or exact plan to what I write. And somehow by that same grace more than 100 people stop here. Visited and have decided to stay and follow what I write. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for stopping. Thank you for validating my intuition that I am supposed to be here typing away.

In this space I write about random things like how I cut my hair and I really don’t like it. I cut about 6 inches off and died it dark brown. The picture below was my inspiration, but it did not turn out like that; damn that Katie Holmes and her cute little hair cut. Any way, I found myself standing in front of the bathroom mirror thinking, “Good God, I need to call someone in case I die like this so they can put a nice wig on me or have someone dye this mop blonde again. Oh I hope that is even possible.” But after deeper introspection I realized I would want to be remembered as the girl who was brave enough to try something totally different. Remembered as the girl who believed it’s just hair and it will grow back. So no need to worry – we can keep my hair as is mortician.

Katie Holmes Hair Cut
Katie Holmes Hair Cut

This blog talks about how I see and hear and feel dead people. Spirits have communicated with me all my life and yes, it is REALLY REAL (yes, that is opposed to fake real which is a whole other blog entry). The spirits don’t scare me (mostly) what really scares me is how some people react; what really scares me is getting the message wrong and delivering it incorrectly to the loved one. What really scares me is that I might be meant to be a medium on a large scale and I am not sure that I am brave enough. I am just not sure God chose the right person, but I remember God is all knowing and she doesn’t make mistakes even if we happen to think it’s possible. So here I am stuck in a debate with my intuition and fear. My intuition is winning already obviously because here it is in black and white for all of you to read. Spirits speak to me. No hiding now.

I write about how I make a zillion mistakes with my kids. But that sometimes the new things I do are making a difference – like this note my daughter wrote me two weeks ago.

We can do hard things
We can do hard things

Worthiness. I write about how my worthiness is a tight rope and God’s Grace is my net and that somehow I am trying to turn that tight rope into a bridge (preferably wood covered out in the country- but that doesn’t really matter I just like visual). About how I worry that my lack of worthiness is setting a bad example for my children.

I share bad pictures of signs I made out of gift bags.

Drinks well with others
Drinks well with others

I write about seat warmers and that even though I live in California where they should be worthless I love them. Absolutely adore them. I guess that makes me beyond spoiled, but it doesn’t change that fact that I love them.

yes, they are on high
yes, they are on high

I write about how I need to be a better listener. That I suck at conversation. That I use so many “I”s in this blog it actually makes me cringe because I am not that self centered and yes I can hear you laughing through the Internet.

Silly illogical things from out of the blue are often the topic of this blog. For example, someone once said that they hated self pity. Why that still bothers me 6 years later is probably because I think many people think depression is a form of self pity. Depression IS NOT self pity – depression is illogical self hatred. Depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain – we can’t help it, we don’t like it, we don’t do this for attention, it truly is just how we are born. I write about stuff like that.

I write about how a six year old dying, a six year old I had the privilege of meeting once, went to heaven this past week has completely knocked me off balance. How I am so concerned for her family, not only today, but for two years, ten years, twenty years from now when all the attention they are receiving fades and how they will have to find a new normal – if that is even possible. I write about how that scares me to death and that feeling of helplessness – that I don’t want to ever be one of the people that forgets – I write about that.

This blog is about my struggle with weight and that I lost that battle this week to a box of freaking Somoas. Stinking Girl Scout Cookies – and I let them win. How I think I am a food addict. I am always hungry, never full. I am thankful it is just food and not some other horrible demon.

That my house is run by three-year-old dictators (please don’t tell them that – I am not sure they really truly know that yet) and that every day my life is mostly made up of negotiations with them.

  • How am I going to keep them in their clothes? My youngest thinks hanging out in his underwear is totally cool (please those of you that think this is totally cool, do not encourage him – he will have to wear pants in public).
  • How are we going to get to school without a fit? Is nap time going to be successful?
  • What I am going to find outside of the bathroom today?

And how most nights lately I collapse into sleep the minute I hit the pillow because I am spent – 100% completely spent.

Ridiculous, boring problems. Regular life. Grace and forgiveness. Failing out loud. Learning to love myself and love others better in the process. Wanting to become the adult I want my children to become. That is all here…and I write it out because I think that society is too caught up in making things look good; we need to remember that life is messy, hard and that is what makes it so great. I would like this blog to be a place where readers can come and hear honesty, feel like they can share honestly, and also see some of themselves here. Know they aren’t alone out in the world that messy and hard and beautiful are what real life looks like.

Thanks for reading,

M

On the flipside…

On the flipside…
Click photo to be taken to original source
Click photo to be taken to original source

I have written a great deal about happy; about how living out loud has helped me find joy.

But I want to make sure that I also talk about the dark days – the dark days are the days that my depression still gets the better of me – the days I feel like I am fighting a losing battle – the days I want to quit this whole living out loud gig and curl up on the couch and go back to my safe, secure hermit life.

I am on team keep it real and I realized I write this blog to catalog what happens on this journey to live out loud and that means that you have to see the flip side, too. Other people are on this journey, too or might decide to give it a try; and if they happen to read my blog they have to know about the hard days, too.

So, I have what I call dark days; days where my head roars with insecurities  –

“You aren’t good enough”

“You have nothing to offer.”

“You are not strong enough.”

“No one cares what you have to say”

“Why do you even try?”

“You will never be thin – you are meant to be fat.”

Loud and incessant the tirade of insecurities barrage me. Now this is the thing; you know in the fringes of your being that these rants aren’t logically true, but some days, the dark days, you are just too tired to argue back. Living with depression means you live in a constant battle with yourself every day. You fight your own brain…trying to retrain it to believe you are worthy.

In the beginning when I first started this journey, I was dog tired; felt like I had lived two lifetimes tired. I couldn’t stand the fight any more. That is when I decided to get help – I knew I couldn’t fight my depression all by little old self any more. That is how you live out loud – no more hiding. I knew I had to arm myself with the tools to succeed.

So I went to my doctor six months ago, I told her how I was feeling and that I was just so tired. She said, “If you had a heart condition would you take medication to help your heart?”

My answer was “Of course!”

And she said, “Your brain has a condition. The chemicals inside your brain aren’t functioning the way they should be and I can give you a small dose of a medication that can help make sure those chemicals are at a more even level so that your brain will function better – what do you think about that?”

Well, duh – that is BRILLIANT  – so of course I signed up for that and I decided I needed to talk to someone to figure out how to retrain my brain and try to end this internal war I have with myself. I have been taking medication for about six months and seeing a therapist for about the same amount of time. Tools…these are the tool for success…you need to be armed and ready for those dark days.

It’s weird doing the retraining after 30 odd years of hard wiring, but it is possible. And what I want you to know is that now even on the dark days; I am stronger than I ever have been. I remember that it is okay to give myself a break and watch TV instead of running. I remember that it is okay for me to have some peace and quiet me time. If things go wrong with the kids and I yell; I remember that I am human and I apologize. None of the above situations equal bad mom, bad wife, bad person.

Even though those dark days still bog me down a bit; the tools have helped me reach out instead of climbing back inside my own head and hide.

In the beginning the dark days would come and there would be no light at the end of the tunnel. Now I know that even on the darkest day there is light; there is always light.

Keeping it real –

M

Thought-provoking questions part 2

Screen Shot 2013-08-25 at 10.08.28 PM

I am my own worst enemy. I am definitely not an expert on depression, but I think that when you suffer from depression your own brain becomes your worst enemy; it just never stops analyzing and going through how you could do things differently or better. It never stops trying to drag you down. So you are constantly exhausted because not only are you fighting an inner battle between common sense and your debasing self-talk, but you are also fighting whatever hard battle life is dishing up at you at the moment.

For instance, this last year when I lost 22 pounds, I felt great as long as I didn’t look in a mirror. I would look in a mirror and think wow; I lost all that weight and still look awful. None of that hard work made a difference. There is nothing you can do to change you. No matter what you lose you will still look like that. It was defeating and just plain frustrating to constantly struggle with the self talk and my own view of myself. Now I have gained 10 pounds back and started running again, I am trying to figure out how to not sabotage myself this time around and just keep up the work out for health sake and not for image sake.

I remember when I went to see a therapist several years ago and she asked me this thought-provoking question

  • If you had a friend who spoke to you in the same way that you sometimes speak to yourself, would you allow this person to be your friend?

My answer was no because I would not ever talk to anyone else the way I talked to myself. My self-talk as has been discussed before, as my inner voice is the biggest, baddest bully on the playground. I am working on this daily and fully understand that logically it doesn’t make sense to have the inner dialogue that I do. The good news is that 5 years since that therapist visit; I have grown to a place where I would be my friend and that part of me is the part that is just finally beginning to win that battle against depression; s…l…o…w…l…y but one day, one day it won’t be so hard to live in my skin – I just know it.

How about you – if you had a friend who spoke to you in the same way that you sometimes speak to yourself, would you allow this person to be your friend?