A Seat at the Table

A Seat at the Table

The beginning of the year heralds not only the start of the next year, but also my birthday. Each New Year brings me to a nostalgic place full of reflection. For the last 4 and a half years I have been setting goals to become the best version of myself.

It really all began, ten years ago with a silly chain questionnaire and two honest responses. These responses haunted me. The question was would you be friends with yourself. I answered no. It was honest and true. I didn’t like myself; I had never and even though I was included in this chain with many of my friends at the time I felt more alone than ever.

The second response came from a friend. It took my breath away. The question was what is your biggest pet peeve and her answer was people with self-pity. I remember thinking she was talking about me as I read that response. Of course she wasn’t; but self-centered goes with self-pity and any reason to hate myself more was always welcome.

At first I didn’t know what do about it except let those honest answers to silly questions gnaw at me. Life kept me busy, twins came, we moved, but then as the dust settled I was faced once again with my low self-worth.

If I had to describe myself to others at that time I would have said; I am a lost and wayward soul just like anyone else. I do the best I can in each next moment, but I am mostly empty when I should feel so full.

I didn’t like that description, but I knew it was within my power to change it.

I made a decision to find out who I was and to be myself out loud. I was tired of hiding and hating myself. Thus this blog was born. It led me to open up every inch of my soul and pour it out.

Putting my heart into action became a practice; I did random acts of kindness on my birthday. Two years in a row I spent the day delivering gifts to others on my birthday because it was what I wanted to do more than anything else.Holiday Cheer was born.

It led me to tell the world about my ability to speak with spirit and my business was born. This need to be who I was out loud led me to quiet the voices that worked against me in my own head. Therapy, anti-depressants, self-loathing, fitness, healing and then the weight gain…I lived it all out loud here.

As my birthday and this New Year comes round again, I found myself again at square one. Silly after all this growth to somehow feel at the end of last year that I was back at the start.

I felt as if I was hiding more than showing up. That I was retreating and giving up more than finding the next step forward. And those honest answers to silly questions rose to haunt me once again. But this time there was an added haunt…I had someone recently tell me, “Why do you have to be such an overachiever?”

It stung. I wasn’t sure why exactly, but I think because it is true. This need to over do all the things; this force that if I am not doing it all then it is not enough always propelling me forward.

I am tired and unfortunately my health is taking the toll of my need to do all the things. My body physically can’t handle it any more.

As I sat down to make goals for this year; I found myself with writer’s block and it wasn’t the first time – I have several blogs still in my drafts folder because I couldn’t find my own voice enough to finish them.

I am tired of being sad when I should be happy. I am tired of being tired. I am tired of not showing up completely. I am just plain tired…

The answer was simple.

It was right in front of my face, but I just couldn’t see it. I looked up from my computer to the goal sheet from 2017 that still hung on my cork board. The beautiful chevron white gold tack gleaming like a beacon. Even though there were only 4 goals; there were sub-goals below detailing each one. A total of 20 goals to complete for 2017. Not all of them simple. While some of them were completed; it hit me that no wonder I always feel overwhelmed. No wonder the simple always seems so hard. Busy had become my default; filling time meant I wasn’t being still or quiet. I was hiding all over again; but this time just behind doing things. Adding things to a list; crossing them off only to add more.

Be still and know that I am God

I started to get still and quiet. I started to meditate again and think about the thing I most wanted in life. It was simple. I want to be present. I want to live. The past is the past and there is nothing I can do about that and the future is almost certainly out of my control, the only real thing is RIGHT NOW.

When I sat still and quiet and brought into view the RIGHT NOW; I envisioned a table.

My table was full. My family all in their chairs. Abundance overflowing on the table. Beauty, sustenance, love, friendship, all surrounded by green hills and the ocean. I could hear laughter and feel growth and success, but something seemed off. One chair at the table was empty. I looked around and everyone that should be there was there. Who was missing?

My family was there. Friends; check. Jesus; check. All my important people and beliefs were all accounted for. “Why is one chair empty?” I thought.

It was then that I realized I was witnessing all of this and seeing all the people there. My viewpoint was not one looking across the table but from above. I was not seated at the table. I was the one missing from my own life.

Ah, I was hiding in the busy-ness and not showing up for the best part; the RIGHT NOW. I was missing from my own life. My seat was empty.

To actually take a seat; I had to figure out why I had left it in the first place. Why was I really hiding?

Stupid, silly, life-eating shame. My weight kept me from showing up. The fact that I have a job with negative connotations; one that God may even dislike, kept me from showing up. I cringe when someone asks what I do for a living.

On top of that, life was happening so fast the mom guilt of not being present for my kids was eating me alive. What would my kids remember about me? Would they just remember that I took them here and there and nothing of substance? That I was always too busy?

So, this year as I reach my fourth decade; I choose to take that seat back. I want to be in the RIGHT NOW. How do I do that?

It all became clear at a funeral the other night. My wonderful, beautiful friend stood and spoke about her father. He had told her at the end that he was confused why everyone thought life was so hard. It is easy he told her; you just have to go out and love others. That was the secret to it. There was nothing hard about it at all. My heart burst open. I can do that. But there is more than loving others; that I have figured out. My chair was empty because I wasn’t loving myself enough. I needed to love everyone; me included.

Just as the day before, I had chosen to be grateful instead of begrudgingly taking down the ornaments from the tree as in years past; I was grateful I had a tree and ornaments to take down. I was grateful for each memory that came with each ornament. I was thankful that I had a home and a family and memories that surrounded me as I carefully put away Christmas back into its boxes until next year. I have woken each day grateful for another moment. And that is what fills my heart each second. I am grateful for the RIGHT NOW. While I am grateful for everything that also means, I have to be grateful I am me. To treat myself with love and grace.

The only goal for this year is that I live in the RIGHT NOW with no shame.

This year I am going to tell myself it is okay.

It is okay…

to feel lonely sometimes

to be scared

to be nervous

to try new things

to decide not to try new things

to live in the RIGHT NOW

to let the past go

to let the future be what it will be

to hide when I need to

to show up

to believe I am meant for great things

to believe I am worthy, as I am, in the RIGHT NOW

to use my armor when I need it

to live outside the lines

to believe in a Jesus that guides me through what I do every day; even speaking to spirit. In fact, to believe in a Jesus that knows I am doing the right thing.

to believe in miracles and magic

to laugh, live and love

to always take my seat at the table

to be my own advocate

I was watching a video with Brene Brown and Glennon Melton and they said that an eviction from your live is an invitation to heal yourself. Invitation accepted. This year the focus will be on me and that is not selfish, no self-pity or shame will be attached to that.

I will heal myself; and live in the RIGHT NOW. There is no limit to what you can accomplish when you are your best advocate; when you are seated at the table in your own life, present and ready to live each moment the best way you know how.

Wishing you a RIGHT NOW, shameless, grace-filled, love abundant 2018,

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Scared

Scared

In a weeks time I have written about bravery and grace and just being okay with the falls we experience in life and yet no matter how much I try there is an undercurrent of fear in my heart.

It’s okay to be scared right? Lately I am scared of everything. Okay longer than lately; it started when I was born. I think I was born with extra sensitivity to the world and somehow that made me more afraid of the world; well maybe not the world, but the energy and emotions in it.

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I am scared of the little and the big things.

For starters, I am scared that no matter how much I empty my heart and pour it into my writing that this blog will continue to be nothing more than a diary that is more important to me than anyone else, which is okay, but I want to be a writer so much it hurts. So much that sometimes I run and hide from my own writing and I don’t write because no matter how hard I try or much I write it will never be good enough for anyone else to read.

I am scared that no matter how much I know that God loves me and believes that I am enough;  I will never feel like I am enough. That the weight I continue to feel will only continue to grow – this weight that I feel has already manifested itself into the weight that I carry and I can feel myself waving the white flag as I am crushed somewhere underneath it all. I am scared that no matter how much I want to be seen; that no one really sees me at all.

I stopped watching the news a decade ago because if it hurt my heart then it definitely could damage my tiny son’s ears and heart, too. So off went the news, because I was so scared and my heart was so hurt by the toxins that spewed from it. There had to be better things to report. But now when we are praising men for sitting during our national anthem, when our police officers are seen as the criminals and men are shot in the street for the color of their skin and whole groups of people are killed around the world for their ethnicity or beliefs and our leaders seem filled with more darkness than light maybe there isn’t better news to report. And that is scary. So scary that when I think about the world I am terrified that no matter how kind I am or how much good I try to put into the world that the darkness in it will swallow me up whole and not just me, everything that I hold sacred; everything and everyone that I love.

Scared doesn’t begin to describe how I feel about being a parent. Failing seems to be the name of the game. I know I have taught them manners and I know they are the kids that will help other kids and be kind; that part of life I think they understand. They are really great kids. But this year my kindergarteners have been kicked, choked, pushed, shoved, yanked and called names with words I don’t even allow out of my own mouth. My daughter continues to try to navigate a place where mean is the norm. That scares the crap out of me. I have had to teach them how to fend for themselves and that shouldn’t even exist at their age. What in the heck is happening in the world that our children are behaving this way? This scares me to death. Haven’t we come to be a civilized people where we don’t have to fear for our lives every time we walk out into the world?

The chaos is gobbling up the innocence of our world. The chaos and darkness are pushing out the light at a fierce pace and I can’t help but feel helpless. And that terrifies me. How can I help my own children understand a world that scares the shit out of me? Scares me to the point that I can’t read the news anymore either, because what I read leaves me shaky and nauseous.

Yesterday as we drove home from school the kids started to talk about how they feel things they can’t see. How the current of energy runs through them. Other people’s energy. This scares me to death. They are like me, extra feel-y. I still struggle with not letting other people’s energy invade my space, my emotions, my thoughts. How am I going to teach my littles not only how to fend off actual physical threats but also emotional, maybe even spiritual ones too? They feel this same unbalanced chaotic energy in the world that I do and can’t explain how or why it is hurting them.

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I know we have to go forward and love one another and do good and continue to live our lives to the fullest and that the darkness wins when we feel fear, but sometimes that isn’t enough to stop me from feeling it. Sometimes I am engulfed in fear and feel shaky all day.

I know people who the absolute worst has happened in their lives and they continue to take one step forward; sometimes because life forces them to, but they do it. I am inspired by that and I know that despite my fear that I will continue on as I have been and do my best to do good any way, but I feel better admitting the fear.

Maybe if we are afraid together something good can come of that. Maybe acknowledging the fear leads to a way to face those things we fear and conquer them. Maybe…

Scared but hopeful,

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Rise again…

Rise again…

BelieveOn this Easter morning, I find it fitting to resurrect my blog from the ashes. I have been radio silent since I started my new side business. In the last 10 months I have done over 100 readings for people all over. Some readings were as far as Tennessee and New York while others were right in my own home.

Once I started down this path as a professional medium, it felt like the duct tape came out and that I needed to seal these experiences. Mostly because these aren’t my stories to share, but also partly because I was afraid of how they would be received.

There has been a recent shift and I no longer believe this to be completely accurate. My perspective of these events are mine to share and in some ways need to be shared.

Three weeks ago I had a reading done for myself. I have told you that Allison DuBois did a reading for me when I started this journey 10 months ago and I felt I needed to check in with the other side to see if there were messages for myself that I might have missed along the way.

What transpired was not entirely what I expected. If I am being completely honest, sometimes this feels like a superpower. (Plus as much as I love fairy tales, I love superheroes, too). Any way, I thought one super hero would be able to spot another super hero. This is not the case. At least not so far as I have experienced. Is it a deficiency in a mediums ability to spot another medium; maybe. But I am not entirely convinced.

Any way, it was helpful, but it also made me realize that I don’t need to check in with other mediums to find out what I need to know. I ALREADY KNOW. Mind freaking blowing, I know. We all ALREADY KNOW. We really do; down deep we know the answers to our most pressing soul-searching questions. We know. We just don’t always listen or admit we know.

So, as I turn this short story into a long one, the point is that these are also my experiences to share. Those of you that have pushed me to blog about them you were right. There is a reason that I share though writing and also have this ability to speak to other souls. It isn’t a random occurrence; instead it is exactly the combination the universe wanted.

All of my readings have been intense learning experiences for all the people involved. So I will be blogging again. Telling you my side of the experiences without divulging or revealing the anonymity of my clients. I think it will be good for me to keep a running log of these events and teachings.

I know it isn’t my job to convince the world that heaven is real; as Brene Brown says, I am not a jackass whisperer. This is just a freeing feeling for my soul. I am following my intuition and letting spirit lead as I always do. They want to share as well.

Those that have come before me have paved the path of greater acceptance and maybe by me sharing what I can along the way that will continue for those that follow me.

I am back and ready to share.

Stay tuned…

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Pieces…

“Getting found almost always means being lost for awhile” – Anne Lamott

Lately there have been so many ideas whirling and twirling in my head it has been difficult to get them down on paper.

I feel like there are all these pieces of me that have been so spread apart I am not sure how to hold them all together.

Starting this new side business is definitely taking its toll.

I think if it were just a side business and not being an interpreter for the dead it might not be so difficult. For one, you sound loony toons just saying that. Secondly, the living expect so much of the dead. Just because they have died doesn’t make them any different from when they were living. Their soul is still their soul. Also sometimes their message is just that they are still around there may be nothing more than that and it may not be as profoundly said as you hope it will be.

The living also expect so much from me. They expect me to be an all-knowing, all-seeing guru that can tell them whatever it is they want to know. I am human after all and I am just the messenger.

Seeing the dead can definitely make others skittish around you. Most people treat me the same, but some people avoid me or worse – question my character and authenticity.

This piece of me definitely carries a thin glossy line of web to all the other pieces of me. Having such an interesting relationship with death has always made me a tad bit different from other people.

I have a fierce love for my family and would much rather be home with them than anywhere else in the whole wide world. And to say that I am an introvert is an understatement. My time spent with other people is mostly spent in observation mode. I always feel like an outsider.

It’s difficult to explain how doing this work makes me feel. Helping other people in this unique way is indescribable. At the same time, as I help each person I feel like I absorb some of their pain and grief. Lately this weight has left me lonely and lost. I have also been sick so that could be part of why the last three weeks have seemed difficult as well.

When I started doing this, I listened to my heart and acted on intuition. I have continued down that road – running after people to give them business cards because a spirit asks me to and opening up to someone and offering a reading because their deceased loved one haunts my thoughts and dreams. This kind of brave is so very far out of my comfort zone.

I think just the load that I am carrying is weighing me down. I am grateful for this load and how I am able to provide for my family and that I have an abundance so that I can help others. Yet still, sometimes I just feel a little lost, a little shattered and less put together than I would like to be.

Being a medium is what I was born to do; I know it – there are just days when my skin doesn’t feel thick enough, my heart doesn’t feel strong enough, and somehow I wind up swimming in grief wishing for a soft place to land where someone will understand what it is like to talk to the dead just for a few minutes. Where someone will know how to help me and guide me…and I will feel just a little less lost.

I guess the best thing to do is take the advice of someone who has been in my shoes…

“If you let people break your spirit and detour you from your path, then you have not been true to yourself or those you’re here to touch, those who believe in you.”
― Allison DuBois

or maybe just from someone I think is a great writer and speaker…

Brene

 

or my daughter’s current favorite person Taylor Swift and just shake it off because the haters gonna hate.

Sincerely,

 

– not a jackass whisperersignature

Far to fall

click for original source
click for original source

Recently someone asked why I go to see a therapist. I wasn’t sure how to answer that question right away. After thinking about it; it came down to the fact that I don’t think I am worthy. I feel like I am a constant failure.

When I started to think about why this was the case – from the outside looking into my life – it looks near perfect. Happy marriage, four healthy kiddos, a job, a house in a nice neighborhood, and lots of people who care about me. So why would someone like me feel like a failure?

Expectations. Incredibly high expectations.

Today on my run, I observed people walking their dogs, doing crafts in their garages, washing cars, playing basketball, and even doing yard work. It hit me that if I completed any of those tasks on any given day that it wouldn’t be enough. I would have to complete all of them and then some to feel like I had a successful day.

It is sheer craziness. That is why I need to see a therapist – I need to learn how to feel satisfied and comfortable with the tasks that I complete; not judge myself based on the list that was left undone.

In the Brene Brown Course I was taking there was a journal prompt to write about worthiness. In The Gift of Imperfections, she writes “worthiness doesn’t have prerequisites…” She gave a journal prompt that said to write our worthy statements that we say to ourselves. “I will be worthy if/when…”

I easily wrote…

“I will be worthy when I am thin.”

“I will be worthy when I have enough energy to do it all.”

“I will be worthy when I am a published writer.”

“I will be worthy when I have a lot of friends.”

But here is the kicker; Brene said that once we wrote those statements down we had to cross them out and write “I am worthy NOW” next to each one. Weird how freeing it was to cross off each of those statements, to let them go.

We are worthy right now. God created us each as we are – just the exact right amount of enoughness. I am enough. You are enough. We are worthy right now.

Try this little task yourself. You might be surprised and I would love to hear about it.

Worthy right now-

M

Goodnight 35…

“Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy-the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.” – Brene Brown.

Hapy Birthday Candles

Tomorrow I turn 36 years old, so I say goodnight 35….

Goodnight Sweet Chalkboard Drawings…

Chalkboard card

Goodnight sleeping toddlers…

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Goodnight 10 year anniversary…

10 year anniversary

Goodnight Favorite Book…Favorite Book

Goodnight Dance Class Afternoons…

Dance Class Divas

Goodnight Silly Cousin Antics…

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Goodnight Teacher Appreciation Supply Cakes and Amazing Art Creations…

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Goodnight First Ever Color Run…

Color Run

Goodnight Scootering for the First Time…

Scootering

Goodnight Kindergarten Graduations…

Kinder

Goodnight Beach Days, New Pinterest Recipes and Batting Cage Bravery…

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Goodnight Golden Gate and Summer Sidewalk Chalk…

Golden Gate

Summer Sidewalk Chalk

Goodnight Cardboard Extravaganza, First Kid Trip to the Circus and Our Second Spring Garden…

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Goodnight Pumpkin Hunting…

Found it!

Goodnight to becoming a brunette, Holiday Cheer Inspiration, and Brene Brown Lifeclass Learning…

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Goodnight Newport Beach Thanksgiving Sunsets…

Sunset

and Goodnight Christmas Parade Walking and the perfect Christmas Tree…

Christmas Parade

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Thank you 35 for all the wonderful memories, good health, and personal growth. I am so grateful for this year and can’t wait to see what next year brings. Goodnight 35 because…

A day well lived makes every yesterday a dream of happiness and every tomorrow a vision of hope.

35 for a few more hours,

M