Ready…set…run.
Ready…set…hide.
Ready…set…blend.
Ready…set…invisible.
These are my default.
If you were to meet me or see me out and about after just knowing me from my blog I think you would be surprised. I am the girl who stands away from the crowd. I am the one who doesn’t speak up. The first to arrive and the first to leave a party. And if you do get close enough; if you do get in I find myself making sure there is distance…sliding just a little out of reach.
It’s not that I am afraid of anyone seeing me; really seeing me. I don’t ever hide anything about myself anymore and what people think doesn’t keep me awake at night either; I barely give it a second thought, but I think it is knowing that if I do let you in that there is the possibility of hurt. The hurt that comes when someone I would like as a friend may decide I am not worth keeping. I don’t know; maybe it’s just the introvert in me. Needing distance. Needing space.
There are people who I trust. People who are my safe landing-place. I have lost friends like these in the past; the relationship falling out from under my feet. No ledge to cling to, just dropping and flailing after being on stable ground. Maybe that’s the feeling I am trying to avoid.
Or maybe it is that lately, I wonder if some people want to know the real me or the medium me. Knowing a medium is interesting; knowing a small town girl who stands in the corner; not so much.
I don’t know why I keep the distance or add it to a relationship. I don’t know why my default is run, but it is. If something goes wrong I shut down. I hide away and avoid confrontation; unless it is about my kids then I will speak up. That mama bear instinct triggers my temper and I can say things I normally wouldn’t. Other than that I am the girl who likes to hide in plain sight. I am most comfortable there. In view, but not attracting attention.
As we have settled in this small town over the last six years there are people who I have grown to love. I love them something fierce. Maybe that’s what makes me keep my distance, being afraid how much I love them will scare them away. So instead I try to act lukewarm so they don’t think I am too overboard with affection.
I know I have written here about letting that love shine and just scooping people up, and I do try to do that, but my default kicks back in and I create a distance. Distance becomes my security blanket.
Writing my thoughts out here I thought might untangle them and make them clear. Maybe it will, maybe this is just the beginning to unravelling them. Maybe I am just supposed to accept this about myself and the people who accept it become my tribe; make up my safe landing-place. But part of me wants to be not so far in the corner, just a little more out in front. A part of me wants to embrace those I love with full force. Maybe I will and my default will change. Maybe I thought I had already changed my default.
I don’t know.
Not ditching my running shoes just yet,
Michelle
You are such a genial soul. I don’t know why anyone who wouldn’t like to be your friend. Don’t drought yourself. You’re an amazing person
Kathy
Thanks, Kathy. You are so sweet. We can’t make everyone happy, and I am okay with that.
Oh Michelle..I really hope I didn’t make you feel that I was only interested in you as a medium by texting u so many questions. Unfortunately my life has me on a scary journey and I felt reaching out may help me with answers but I would never want to compromise how hard working sweet and kind I think you are as. PERSON…and from what I read..a great MOM. Your gift as a medium is very special and I’m so spiritual that sometimes i get engulfed with questions or wanting to know more..understand more about that gift. Long story short I just did not want you to think that I was one of the people who only wanted to get to know you as a medium bc your are so much more than that…xx
Thanks, Noelle. I really hope you are doing okay. I know how scary things have been for you. Your kind words mean a lot. Wishing you all the best.