This time of year I am normally so excited. I love summer and having my kids home. It starts the time of no early alarms, no hustle out the door from morning until night. But, the last two weeks I have felt crappy. Not physically…mentally, emotionally. I tried shaking it at first, but it just sits perched on my shoulders, settled in my belly, wrapped around my ankles keeping me down.
I think part of my discouragement comes from the things that I read. I know Facebook and Yahoo are not reputable news sources, but I check Facebook to keep in touch with what is happening with my friends and yahoo is a source of email so the front page pops up when I log in; I am not good at ignoring it. On Facebook my friends and family occasionally post these sweet stories. Which of course is not a problem, but the problem is I read the comments. People say some atrocious things about positivity. If someone is happy or taking a stance there are at least twenty people at the ready to knock them down. I guess I just had more faith in the human population that the majority of us use our energy to lift others up, but after watching riots, fighting, violence, and the other horrid things that seem to stream past my vision whenever I turn on CNN or Channel 4 it gets a bit harder to believe that the good in the world is taking foothold.
Yes, money. It is a necessity and yet the bane of my existence. You have to have it to survive but with four children and living in Silicon Valley it is just always an issue.
What we do
Sometimes the ripples of our lives aren’t always beautiful, uninterrupted concentric circles. Sometimes the splash from the rock plunks into our ripple. These moments seem to be happening to me more and more.
Did you know that Teresa Caputo (a.k.a. The Long Island Medium) had a two-year waiting list for an appointment before her show on TLC? Did you also know that someone who conjures the dead to speak with them is a sinner according to the bible? I struggle with my faith and my gift regularly. It was so much more tidy tucked away inside of me. Instead of being branded with the Scarlet letter A I often feel like I am branded with the Scarlet letter S for Sinner. My husband says this is all in my head and no one of real importance thinks this of me, but I think I wonder mostly what God thinks; not really other people and I wonder if other people think that charging for my gift is an abomination maybe God does, too.
If you have been reading along you know that over the last five years since the twins have been born my hormones have not settled in the least. Maybe that is the reason my husband was excited for me to take on a second job that would take up my evening time.
Any way, we are almost at six years and no one doctor could pinpoint what was wrong. I was diagnosed with premature menopause only to find that can’t be possible because my ovaries are actually still functioning properly. They thought I had Graves Disease only to find that after seven months all traces and symptoms would disappear. Recently I decided to go to an acupuncturist.
I am not going to say that all is better after two appointments, but I can tell you she instantly knew from listening to me what was going on. In two treatments with her my body feels like it is healing more than it ever did in the last 5 years. There is something to the energy, our energy, that drives our body. Maybe with all this healing, the way my energy is finally traveling fully through my body unimpeded is causing some of this angst. In a good way of course, it is pushing out all that was blocking it and if I just push through this ugh feeling that all will be better soon.
I haven’t stopped being scared out of my wits. My last few readings have offered up a great deal of advice to me. Spirit has a way of doing that offering up what you need when you need it. Can that really be a negative force at work? I have to think that all the blessings that have I found in doing this work; the personal growth that it has afforded me has to be positive and if it is positive and I lean into that fully I know that where it will take me is beyond what I can imagine and that is a tad bit scary. A larger audience means more ridicule and scrutiny and as you know I over share so that will only lead to public ridicule as noted in the second paragraph of this blog. I know that I am too soft to handle that.
Last but not least, and probably saved for last because it is most important. The mommy guilt I am feeling lately is consuming. I feel awful for how much I am working for how many hours this summer I will not be able to do all the fun things with my kids I hope to. I know there is time after work, but I still envy the moms who have the opportunity to make motherhood their full-time career in my next life I will settle for nothing less.
I apologize that I did not have the energy for humor in this entry and that the weight of it is heavy. Writing is something I feel compelled to do against my better judgement. I know its quality is lacking, but it helps me sort through my life, my purpose. In eighth grade I stopped writing. I never made it into Mrs. Hansel’s Green Book. She used to take quotes from kids’ writing in her class and add them to this book she called the Green Book. She never picked anything of mine and I took that as noting my ineptitude for crafting a work of art with my words. I picked up writing again in college and then again here several years ago. It hasn’t improved, but somehow I feel pushing the feelings out of me and turning them into words lets their weight leave me a little and that clarity arrives in their place.
Until next time,