Sometimes I feel like I live my life underwater – everything happening above me at a faster speed while I try to keep up at my slower, garbled pace. My soul weighted down with each decision I do or don’t make.
This week instead of going out and joining the world, I hunkered down and retreated into myself searching for answers. Do you ever do that? Hide in an effort to try to find out more about yourself or maybe just to escape the questions you might be faced with from others.
My main struggle is trying to decide what I am meant to do. These readings take time away from my family; very much of the precious time I have to spend with my littles.
Being the best mom I can be is something I strive to do, but lately my kids are fighting so much and talking back so much that it is difficult for me to understand why God trusted me to have kids in the first place. I was given a great gift and it is my job to help them become good citizens and they cannot even FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY go FIVE MINUTES without nit-picking or arguing. Okay, I am exaggerating, it might be six whole minutes.
But of course there are glimpses of fabulous behavior and kindness and I think maybe just maybe, I have not completely failed at motherhood. I may be losing my sanity along the way, but the kids might just turn out all right. Maybe all the craziness of the past year and two jobs isn’t wearing on them or our family in the ways I worry it has.
Too serious for a Friday; I know, I know. But I am a serious person – sometimes I wish I was hilarious like Amy Poehler – and sometimes I am if you happen to catch me at just the right moment, but here I tend to dump all the seriousness out and sort through it trying to find the granules of truth, peace, and sanity I need to keep moving forward.
Anyway, I am soul searching. I am trying to figure out what to do moving forward.
Being a good wife is important to me as well and during busy weeks my husband and I see each other in passing.
But beyond the time spent away from my family there is the issue of whether or not what transpires is real. I am human; I am skeptical. I thought that these readings would help to squash my own skepticism, but they haven’t. I still don’t know how it works or why me.
People look at me differently. I know I shouldn’t give a flying piglet what people think – I can’t make this stuff up; honestly I CANNOT. Like the time a grandmother, who happened to be a librarian, came through just to tell her granddaughter not to dog ear the pages of the books she reads. Or I accidentally outed a pregnancy. Or that I can know names and descriptions of people I have never met. Or how sometimes I adopt the cadence and tone of someone else when I talk and the listener tells me I sound exactly like the person that I am saying the message is coming from. Or how I can describe the way someone looks in a picture I have never seen. Or I know what items that the living have kept for comfort. Or how I know what was buried with the dead. But at the same time do not know so many other things. None the less, people still look at me differently and that isn’t always easy.
Since I was little I have prayed each night to just give me the ability to make one person’s life better and my life will have been worth living. God, just please let me make a better difference in one person’s life. I think doing this does that. For example, I received this testimonial a while back and it made my day:
But things like this also make me worry. I know that these readings are meaningful and my intent is to help, but sometimes I also worry about the weight that is placed on them by the listener, the receiver of the message.
Tonight there is rain, lightning and thunder in my neck of the woods. It feels like the universe is also wrestling with its own indecision. And while I have prayed for answers to my own future I wonder if the universe isn’t trying to clean the slate a bit itself. It’s comforting to think the universe is with me in my indecision and that somehow it might find a way to lead me down the path that is meant to be.
The good news is I don’t have to make a decision tonight.