Leaning into grief

I have been closer to the dead than I have to the living my whole life. The dead are easier to understand. They are pure soul; they have no body to hide behind. They can’t put up a mask to try to fool you; they simply are.

But I am a bit fed up with death. My sweet, little community has been shrouded in it these past few weeks. If I really think about it; our sweet little community has been shrouded in it for years. We have lived here five years and I know more families that have lost loved ones than have gained them. But I also deal with that; death has always seemed to seek me out and make sure I see it.

And even though it does this, I am still incredibly naive about it; an outsider to those whose lives are forever altered by it. Thankfully so; I am glad that I am an outsider to it. I know that may seem selfish and cold-hearted, but I think the reality of it is that most people would choose to be an outsider to death; not have an intimate relationship with grief.

My gift though is wrapped up tight with death. I can communicate with those who are in heaven. Grief is not absent from this process of course. See I can read a living soul as well as one that is a heavenly soul. A living soul can block me a bit, but I literally can see through people. I know who they are down to the very bottom of their soul.  Which means that their grief and pain do not escape me. I am able to sense and experience the feelings and emotions of others. It only happens when I am in close proximity with people – crowds are my least favorite things in the world because I literally can lose myself in them. I feel everything everyone else around me feels.

Lately that has changed my perspective on so many things.

• I tend to focus on things that are truly important. Most things in daily life are fixable. When I am sitting in a reading; things are not fixable. I may be able to offer them an oar for their life boat so that they are able to maneuver through the water better, but it can’t be fixed.
• Recently I sat with a mother whose six-year-old daughter had passed away. She said to me, “I do not want to believe you. I don’t want to believe that you are able to have a relationship with my daughter that I can’t have.” There are no good responses to her comment. I didn’t have one at the time and I don’t have one now. She should be able to easily communicate with her daughter. Life is not fair that is a part of it; that things don’t work out even.
• I am a distance keeper. I push people away; I always have. It is crazy because I am so eager to let them in; but I make sure and keep them always 15 feet back. Odd because I am an open book; nothing about me is hidden from others, I just keep a good distance. Maybe I think I can keep pain at bay; or maybe it has become a terrible habit. But the truth of the matter is I need to find a way to close that gap.
• Mediums are important. If we are the group that can bridge the gap and help people connect with the other side and understand more about death and faith then by all means we need to find a way to become more accepted. How, I have no idea, but I think it is important.

Death is inevitable. It happens to all of us at some point; it is not going to change. It is also a big part of my life. I don’t think I will ever be comfortable with the grief or the pain. Grief is part of life; just as joy is.

After a reading last week,  out of the blue my client said to me, “You have to keep doing this.” Each reading I do teaches me something new; each time there is something offered up to me from the universe. This week after all this loss and with a strong distaste for death eating away at me; the universe has spoken. I need to lean in and keep going. To do otherwise is against all that I have learned; the balance is going to be to find a way to not let it consume me.

Until next time,