Validation

“You are so needy.”

It’s those words that almost ended one of my most important friendships. Those words split my soul. I didn’t think I was needy. I didn’t know what the hell she was talking about. Low self-confidence – yes. I have that. I get that. But I never saw myself as draining or needy. And I never expected to hear that from someone I thought cared about me.

Funny, I haven’t been able to escape those words for over a decade. They hit a chord, deep in my soul.

It is probably true that I seek external validation of my worth. But I am human. And I like to hear that I am good at what I do or that I am loved and appreciated. I guess some people don’t need that to thrive, but it sure helps me be the best me. Those words don’t bother me so much anymore. It is just a part of my human-ness and it is okay to want to hear how other people feel about you. To know that what you are doing makes an impact or that you are an important person in someone’s life. To know you are wanted. That is okay and it doesn’t make you needy; it makes you human.

I also find it a bit ironic that I would get into a career as a medium where people seek validation. A career where you cannot validate its authenticity with tangible proof.

Being released from those words just recently happened. This past weekend I attended the James Van Praagh workshop. At this workshop, he asked us to do a mediumship exercise where we did a reading for ourselves and ask for messages from spirit that we need to hear.

I don’t often ask for messages for myself. I ask to see glimpses of my own loved ones to know they are okay. To feel them around me. Same things everyone else asks, but I don’t ever sit down and try to do an actual reading for myself like I would for a client and this is exactly what James asked us to do.

After lunch I headed outside and said guide me to the spot where I need to be. I kid you not I walked directly to this tree that had a statue of St. Francis of Assisi who is the patron saint of animals. This is my papa’s saint. It is also the prayer that I have been repeating most often. In fact, I had read it three times that morning before attending the retreat and had read it each morning prior to that.

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace:
where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy.

O divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console,
to be understood as to understand,
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.
Amen.

Landing at this spot was no accident. I sat down and found a quiet centered place in my mind and heart and asked for a message from spirit.

The first thing that I saw was an elephant. She was beautiful. She walked toward me and extended her trunk. Her rich brown eyes were deep. I could see each wrinkle in her trunk and could feel her warm breath. Immediately I heard a voice that echoed my own heartbeat. “You are exactly where you need to be.”

A peaceful calm washed over my whole soul.

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Then she evaporated and behind her were all four of my grandparents. Each in pairs holding hands, smiling and waving. My papa stepped forward and said, “We all love you and we are all with you.”

My heart nearly exploded. Often I wonder if they are proud of me. I wonder what they think of me sharing my mediumship with others. What they think of me as a parent, friend, daughter, wife, human. In that moment, when I heard his words, my heart nearly exploded because their love washed over me. Completely unconditional. They were so happy and so glad to see me.

I share this experience because I think we all need love and validation. I think each of us needs these things to grow and become the best versions of ourselves. You don’t need to be ashamed of wanting these things or asking for them. You don’t need to wait for someone to tell you to do something nice for yourself; you should just be doing it because you deserve time, attention, and affection as well.

There are many people who do this naturally, but one thing I have learned about parenting and motherhood is often we as parents have to put ourselves last to insure that the needs of those we love are met and accounted for. It is important for us to remember to take a day or an hour or ten minutes and do something that helps remind us that we are loved and nourish ourselves so that we can move forward.

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You are not needy if you do this. You are human. You are worth it.

Until next time,

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Crabby Patty

Yes, yesterday I talked about the kindness revolution starting within all of us and today I am writing a blog titled Crabby Patty; the irony is not lost on me. Promise. No crossies.

There is just this itty bit of crabbiness that is lingering in me.

Maybe it’s because we can’t get out the door on time for school.

Maybe it’s literally hearing four “moms” at once every two minutes for 6 hours a day.

Maybe it’s that I am not exercising – and don’t get started with judgment on that one. I judge myself enough for a thousand judgements.

Maybe it’s the smiling happy moms that join together at school pick up and greet each other excitedly while I stand off by myself. I know I can join in. Come on you want to be the one that people walk up and say hi to, too. You don’t always want to initiate the contact, either.

Maybe it’s getting removed from the FedEx account at work and wondering if is this the beginning of the end for my job.

Maybe it is the messy playroom or the fact that for every one thing I clean up another seven things take its place. For the love of God, this is non-stop.

Maybe it’s the 23 piles of laundry every single week without fail. Even on vacation.

Maybe it’s spending too much time on social media and detached from real people.

Maybe it’s a lack of sleep.

Maybe it’s because my reading last night didn’t go as well as I wanted. And to top it off she was the sweetest client ever on the planet. She had the nicest things to say about me and I couldn’t give her what she expected.

Maybe it’s that I want to choose happiness and I am mostly happy, but there is just this nagging crabbiness and I don’t know what the heck is causing it.

Does this ever happen to you?

I feel it in my body. My shoulders won’t loosen and my jaw stays tight.

My husband is seeing it. He is being super extra nice and making a real effort to let me know I am appreciated. It is sweet and he is sweet. But I still feel crabby.

Thank goodness Winter Break is next week and I am taking time off, too. Maybe that is it. Maybe we all just need a little bit of a break.

Maybe…

Maybe it is the feeling that something big is coming and the anticipation waiting for it is driving me crazy.

Maybe it is because of a million things. Or maybe it is just a crabby patty kind of day.

 

Spongebob quote source: https://www.buzzfeed.com/erinchack/the-most-iconic-lines-from-spongebob-squarepants?utm_term=.ceGNRDjJB#.eggLMGX3E

Until next time – and hopefully the crabby patties will have lifted.

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What the what?! Lessons from afourytale

What, the what? That’s right it’s time I revisit and review what I have learned, unlearned, or re-learned this past month or so. I am sure that is happening in your neck of the woods, too as our social climate in the US is an interesting one right now to say the least.

And with that said I start with this lesson…

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That is right. Evil is man-made. We humans create evil through separation and fear. I truly believe our soul is divine love. Our humanness may try to hide or run from that and live a life guided by fear and fear leads to evil, but our core is love.

When we treat each person with compassion and stop and listen to one another and share our stories that is when we find a way to connect to one another. When we do that then we start to move the world in the direction of good. We need to do that with a level head and compassion. Not raised voices and pointed fingers.

Good starts with us. Not our President, not our neighbor, not the news, not the teachers, not our boss…its starts with us. The only one we should be looking at to start a revolution of kindness is ourselves.

When we choose to learn through love then we choose to act with love. Not everyone is going to react in kind, but most will. I see it every single day. You hold the door open for someone or compliment someone and their whole face lights up.

So as much as we can get caught up in the world and be angry, we need to center ourselves and choose love. If we all did this the world would be an amazing place. But it starts with us.

Now don’t get me wrong, I have had a car cut me off and my first reaction is chicken biscuits what the heck is wrong with that person. But three deep breaths later and I am wondering maybe they were lost, maybe they had a bad day, maybe they didn’t see me. If we choose to see through a lense of compassion and love it makes a big difference. Just like Hannah Montana says…

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Come on…some of you must have daughter’s watching the Disney Channel right now… Hannah Montana is back.

And may I digress here just for a second because all the “this is us” talk and TV it has me thinking I am totally enthralled in This is Us on NBC. But what the heck?! They cannot have Jack die in a DUI accident. Really?! Our hero has to go down like that? Please say it ain’t so NBC, please say it ain’t so! I could be wrong and the writers could just have us thinking that, but it would break my heart into itty bitty bits because Jack is my favorite character in a long, long time. He reminds me of Atticus Finch a bit.

Which leads me into the next lesson so I can keep it light and not think about Jack’s fate.

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I relearn this one probably every single week. Maybe even day by day, but my grandfather who passed away 9 years ago used to say, “A good day is not complete without laughter!”

My goals for 2017 even have learn a joke a day on them. It doesn’t happen every day, but I try. Also, did you know you can ask Alexa to tell you joke? She is pretty darn funny. For example, what do call a pig that does karate?

Wait for it…

Wait for it..

A pork chop.

Okay, so I may be the only one that likes corny humor. My all time favorite joke is…

How do you make a tissue dance?

Wait of it…

Wait for it…

You put a little boogie in it.

Hey I am a mom of four under 12 cut me some slack.

For those of you a bit older I found this on the Internet the other day…

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Don’t ask me, I am not a dipshit cross my heart and pinkie swear. But when I did send this to a friend to make him laugh he asked a guy he works with who chews tobacco and the answer was two. Yep, that is right there is answer to every question people. But it’s funny stuff and so is life. So, hold on to your humor and don’t let go, it can get you through a lot of tight jams.

I am going to bring it down to a serious note for a second. My next lesson relates to one of my favorite Amy Poehler quotes, “Great people do things before they are ready.”

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And no this doesn’t have to do with learning how to navigate the myriads of roundabouts our town just installed. Seriously if I wanted to live and drive through windy roundabouts I would have moved to England, but I digress again.

Recently I went to see psychic medium James Van Praagh. He is a medium I have watched and read about since I was in my early teens. When I went to see him he mentioned a workshop coming up nearby and I looked into it. It wasn’t too pricey so I decided to go.

I was nervous out of my mind and scared to walk into a room full of people I didn’t know. But I showed up any way.

It was mind-blowing.

He asked me to come up on stage in a room full of people to give my very first live reading!  On a stage. With an audience, full of people.

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Yep,  he called me up on stage just like I dreamed he would and then I gave a reading. It wasn’t my best because I was nervous out of my mind, but it was life changing. And fun! I used my humor and my bravery together.

So, my advice to you is show up and do the things because your dreams can literally come true. For realsies; I am living proof.

Of course, the girl who got up after me was all of like 25, thin and super-hot so there might always be someone younger and cuter than you right around the corner, but that is why we need humor and love to keep going no matter what.

So keep choosing to learn through love, have fun and laugh along the way and be ready to show up before you are ready because bravery yields results.

Until next time,

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Proof

This past week I started reading Rick Warren’s A Purpose Driven Life. See, I think we all want to define our purpose. After watching his TED Talk, I was intrigued. It is a 40 day challenge of sorts going through a chapter a day. Day 2 had me pretty excited. With a title like, “You Are Not an Accident” I am thinking it will help bring me clarity with my purpose. Warren writes, “God never does anything accidentally, and he never makes mistakes.”

Well, that is good news.

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See, in my life I have been fighting against feeling like a crazy, freak of nature for 39 years. My first memories of conversing and experiencing spirit were at two. I saw a man in my room that I later recognized as a great grandfather. Spirit was a large part of my existence. But if you hear voices, society tells you are crazy. If you speak to the dead you are a sinner and most likely a con-artist or really crazy.

So hearing that God doesn’t make mistakes; something I believe, but reading it in print makes me feel more at ease. I was made on purpose for a purpose. My intuition tells me it is to use this ability to help people. It is to comfort those that are grieving.

But, alas, by Day 3 I find the hiccup; using a psychic is a “dubious method” to find purpose in life.

Granted, that isn’t my intent when I share my gift, but sometimes spirit is trying to guide you towards your best self and those ideas are shared.

Still my heart sinks. Why can’t God and Mediums coexist?

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My heart and soul knows that God loves me. My heart and soul knows that God made me just this way on purpose. I know it isn’t my business what other people think. I know I shouldn’t care. But I do. I care that something I hold so dear is seen as such fraud, a con. I know there are people who are frauds and cons; that happens in every single profession.

Then, I sort of surfed YouTube looking at some medium videos and guess what? There were serval videos that literally were created to just debunk mediums that are on TV or do Stage Shows. One magician, who used to con people as a “medium” shared his tricks. I wanted to throw up. It made me sick to my stomach. But we can’t look away from a train wreck can we?

I know there are greater problems in the world. That this silly doubt and quest of mine to find like minded, authentic mediums is not important in the scheme of things and shouldn’t really weigh in on what I choose to do going forward, but it still keeps creeping up. It still enrages me that we can’t be taken at our word.

There is so much in this world we still can not prove. There is still so much we do not know for sure. My ability to receive messages from the other side astounds me. It doesn’t make sense. It shouldn’t be possible, but it is. Maybe there will never be proof in this life. Maybe I am a dubious sinner or a God created miracle exactly on purpose. I choose to believe the later. I chose to believe we can’t prove faith and we don’t have to. I choose to keep going down this path to see where it leads, because each step I take leads me to one miracle after another. Each step I take leads me to be more me than I was the day before.

Bottom line, I know some people need proof, but in the end I don’t need tangible proof. I know what I know and that is good enough for me.

Until next time,

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Spiritual Awakenings and YouTube

Do you know your truth?

Lately, I have been working on listening to my inner voice and trying to be deeply observant of what it tells me and what the universe places into my life.

Since the beginning of this blog I have been trying to document my journey to an authentic life and share the lessons that I am learning and today it hit me: I am unlearning. What does that mean? 

It means that we start out knowing an awful lot. As children we are deeply connected to light and spirit. We are connected to one another and trusting. That is how we are meant to be, you know? That is what the Universe/God wants for us (I use Universe and God interchangeably, but really whatever divine power you believe in I believe it is all one in the same so you can input your word for the Divine in place of mine as it suits you).

We are born knowing the light and basking in it. The world changes that in us. But the good news is we can always reconnect to that light; we just have to choose to do so. We can do it through choice, grace and being present to witness the light. Then you just hit repeat on that cycle, and baby you got it. 

That is what I have started to do. I am surrendering my life to love and light and allowing the Universe to deliver me to where I need to be and the things I need to know. You have to be present. You have to be watching. I know I am getting somewhere when the signs show up and say, “Hey Michelle, you are NOT losing your mind. You are right on track. Keep paying attention and I promise you are going to change the world.”

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I had to go into San Jose today and I felt like listening to something uplifting. I figured why not listen to some TedTalks.

I happen across Gabby Bernstein’s mini Ted Talk. You can watch it here.  It was definitely a sign. Her truths resonated so clearly. So clearly in fact, I had a spiritual awakening listening to YouTube. So many things fell into place and I had an epiphany of understanding. I know what I know and it is the TRUTH regardless of what anyone else might think. It is my truth and if I choose to live it I will lead an extraordinary life filled with love and joy. Come on who doesn’t want that?

I am going share a little of that epiphany with you.

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Gabby starts her talk by explaining that she is worried about the time she has to give her talk, but after mediation this nugget of wisdom is revealed, “Tell your truth and time will expand.” You guys, remember when you were little and you felt like you had all the time in the world. That is because you were connected to the light. You had all the time in the world to learn what you needed to know. We need to let go of fear and believe and trust in the Universe that we have all the time we need to fulfill our purpose. Live our truth and time will expand.

She continues by saying that, “when inspiration is your guide you become a miracle worker.” Amen sister!

When we allow our creativity to run free without interference from fear of what other people might think amazing things happen…miracles happen. Think about the great people who have graced this world with their wisdom. Martin Luther King Jr. I am sure people thought he was crazy. Sure one day everyone will live in harmony. They probably still think he is crazy. But I believe him.

Mother Teresa. Come on, I am sure there were people who in the beginning were like, really you are doing to go live with the poorest of the poor and the sick? It took her two years to get approval, but that didn’t stop her.

I am sure we can think of a million others where the same logic applies – they followed their dreams and the calling of the Universe despite what other people thought and in doing so they changed the world. As I am listening to Gabby’s talk and thinking of people I consider heroes and mentors; they all have one thing in common they all follow their “crazy” callings. I am a medium. I speak to spirit. It doesn’t get any stranger than that, but when I lean into love, when I listen to my inner voice I see me speaking to thousands of people. I see me with a microphone in hand and several books under my belt. If I lean into love this life of my dreams is real. It is my truth. I know I am on my way to find it.

That truth can’t be any crazier than the advice I gave one of my dearest friends this morning…”It’s like Taylor Swift says, ‘the haters gonna hate’ which is basically what Mother Teresa says when she says, ‘do good anyway’. People are going to tear you down. People are going to say nasty things. People are going to disbelieve what you are capable of, but if you live in a way that you are constantly taking the next right step toward good people won’t believe them and so what if they do? You know you are doing the next right thing. God knows you are doing the next right thing and in the end that is all that matters.”

And if in one day I can compare the wisdom of Mother Teresa, Taylor Swift and Gabby Bernstein and see the sign of an angel on a Mexican Food Truck in front of me letting me know I am on the right path, than guess what?! Miracles can happen and we need to remember to believe in them just like when we were kids. Anything is possible. I believed in true love and love at first sight and I held out for it. I knew it had to be out there and it was. Did it show up like I expected? Nope. Was it when I expected? Nope. But that is how the Universe works. If you ask and believe it delivers, just in its own way.

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Miracles happen every day and every minute. Offer yourself the willingness to be open to them, the grace in missing them, and the knowledge that you will have the chance to choose again. Unlearn that misery and strife are a part of life. We are here connected to each other and the light to do good and be joyful. That is my truth and I choose to live that every day regardless of what else gets thrown down at my feet.

Hoping my truth, vulnerability and authenticity help you on your journey –

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Birthdays…

So over the last 39 years I have learned some things about birthdays. I thought I would share what I have learned with you here.

Here are the 39 things I have learned about birthdays in no specific order.

  1. Buy yourself a present. Maybe it’s a grande non-fat, vanilla, chai latte or maybe it’s a new pair a shoes, but do something nice for yourself as a treat.
  2. Do nice things for other people. I have spent the last three years doing Random Acts of Kindness on my birthday and you just feel so good after.
  3. Prepare for the ordinary. Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t mean this in a bad way, but it is another day after all so know there might be some birthdays that are just like any other day, and that isn’t always a bad thing.
  4. Be glad. So many people don’t get to see another birthday or even another day for that matter. Cherish the day you were born and be glad.
  5. You don’t have to have cake. I know some people live for cake, but if you aren’t a cake person you can have whatever you want with a candle in it. Seriously we do birthday pancakes at our house. Or you don’t even need a candle, maybe you need a birthday vodka or birthday yoga. Whatever you like; it’s your birthday.
  6. You can throw your own birthday party.
  7. You can change your mind about a party and throw your own last-minute party the day of your birthday or the day after. When-evs.
  8. Look back on your year; good and bad; and soak it all in.
  9. Make a goal for your new year. What do you want to accomplish?
  10. The youth is not wasted on the young. Young is a state of mind and nothing is wasted.
  11. If you drop off cookies at a fire station as one of your random acts of kindness – there is a bell at the door. Just saying, in case you don’t want to walk around the fire station like an idiot with a plate of cookies.
  12. Let your loved ones spoil you.
  13. Get excited.
  14. Laugh a lot.
  15. Cry if you want to…it’s in a song. That makes it official.
  16. Don’t half ass two things; whole ass one thing – thank you Parks and Recreation you nailed it. Serious go out and do you and be you and make no apologies. It’s your freaking birthday.
  17. You are never too old to try something new.
  18. There are do overs every single day, minute, and second. So offer yourself grace. There is no set time or age when something HAS to be accomplished.
  19. Leave a place better than you found it. Always make time to do good. To notice good. To compliment good in others. Even on your birthday.
  20. Make time for your friends and family right that minute. It’s icing on the cake.
  21. Dance – even if it’s in the kitchen for 5 minutes to your favorite song and no one else witnesses it. Everyone should dance on their birthday!
  22. Let someone sing you happy birthday; even if you think it’s dumb.
  23. Do at least one thing that makes YOU happy.
  24. Call your mom. And your dad. Or whoever raised you. Thank them for putting up with you for however many years. It is a special day for them, too.
  25. Make new memories. The best things aren’t in the past. The best things are right now.
  26. Let others celebrate you.
  27. The day is what you make of it; not what everyone else makes of it.
  28. It might be okay to have a birthday week. Some people who I love celebrate for a whole week. I mean if you can, why not?
  29. If you want something to happen on your birthday ask for it. People aren’t mind readers.
  30. You can get a free scoop of ice cream at Baskin Robbins if you are a member of the birthday club, you can’t just walk in and ask for one. It apparently doesn’t work that way. Just in case you are wondering.
  31. Don’t wait for next year. The year moves fast and if you want to do something make the plans and do it.
  32. Birthday hugs are gold.
  33. Most gifts do not come in packages.
  34. You DO NOT have to laundry or dishes on your birthday – for realsies – and if someone says you do. Put up the hand. You do not have to do that on your birthday.
  35. Bills still come in the mail on your birthday – it’s not just birthday cards in the mailbox. Seriously, they should work that out at the post office. You have to write your birth date down on everything. It’s not like they don’t know.
  36. You still have to drive your kids to all their stuff. It is another day after all.
  37. Let your light shine (bright like a diamond) – it’s okay to LOVE your birthday.
  38. Find a way to truly love yourself. This year is my best yet. At 39 I finally LOVE who I am. But if you can do it sooner I highly suggest it.
  39. One year, do something you have always wanted to do. Even if everyone else thinks it is silly. Like if you want to go to Nashville and your husband is like, “What of all the places in the world you want to go to Nashville.” Go anyway. Do it any way. It is YOUR birthday after all.

Those are just a few of the things I have learned. I am sure you have learned other valuable lessons. But as I say good-bye to 38, I have no regrets. I am looking forward for another year, another moment, another second to live this life.

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So grateful,

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The truth…

So I am reading a little Gabby Bernstein and really focusing on preparing to go back to doing readings on a regular basis.

I am supposed to be vulnerable here, to speak the truth. It isn’t always easy to bear your soul, but it’s what I said I would do.

The truth is I am afraid of failure. I never wanted to be the medium that couldn’t give someone a reading. 

And that happened. 

And it was awful. 

Worse than I imagined. 

But I lived. 

And I have done successful readings after said failure.

Still, fear grips me every.single.time.

As I stopped today and spent time in meditation reflecting on Gabby’s words; a lightbulb of clarity clicked on in my soul. 

These words tumbled out of me…

God called me to this task on purpose. I cannot fail as long as I make my best forward effort. He has given me divine love. With divine love I am unstoppable. I have faith He will lead me where I need to go. I am loved completely and trust that I will be guided to do the most good with my life. I choose to learn through love. 

This doesn’t mean the fear is gone, but it does mean I can look at it and call it by name. It does mean that I can face it and move beyond it.

Thanks, Gabby. Thanks, Universe. Thank you, God. 

Choosing to learn through love and I hope you are, too.

Good night,

P.S. Hopefully divine love includes not going to hell for spelling Mother Teresa’s name wrong. Whoops.


Two questions and a dose of divine love

At a reading last week, a client asked me  why does this year suck so bad? Why is everything so damn hard? (Side note: Yes, I am slowly doing readings again – but be ready for a wait: I am doing them very little and most will NOT be in person)

Shit, life is hard people. I don’t have a good answer to that except LIFE IS HARD. But life is also fan-freaking-tastic. Life is a roller coaster ride of emotion good and bad. Plus, no one knows what the heck they are doing all the time. Some people may make it seem easy, sure – but we all have something crappy going on at sometime in our lives. We are all just doing the best we can.

That is part of the gig called life. 2016 has really sucked for some people, but so did 2015 and 2014 and 1988 and 1908 and every year in between or before. And you know what? Some people had a killer (and I mean that in the 90s cool way) 2016. Like best year ever – they got married, they had their first baby, they finally finished their thesis and graduated from grad school, or just had a relatively quiet year that they are grateful for. Point is the glass isn’t half full or half empty – it is refillable. Life is hard, but we can find hope and fill our cup back up again.

Example: Last year for holiday cheer one of our nominees was a woman who had been through several pregnancies and right before Christmas lost twins. Two little girls that were weeks away from being delivered did not get to make the entry into the world that was expected. Needless to say this mom was devastated that instead of holding her twins she was burying them. She was done. No more miscarriages for her. No more babies she wouldn’t get to raise; no more. And yet a small gift was delivered to her with lots of hope and prayers behind it that she would somehow find a way to cope and survive her new normal and you know what I received last night. The below photo. This momma is bringing home a little girl. A sweet baby girl. A healthy sweet baby girl and in the email in addition to this picture was this, “One person really can make a difference…” You all helped do that. You helped give her hope. See? What a great 2016 for this family.

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A New Year Miracle
As I take this time to reflect on my year and what lies ahead for me (I am a goal person okay) all started with the above question and one other question I happened across: what would you do if you knew you could not fail?

Let me back this post up for just a minute. I have started walking/jogging again and also reading The Universe has Your Back – (thanks Janessa) and so instead of just going through the motions of my life; I am taking it back. Which I know I have discussed in my recent lessons post. Don’t get me wrong, I am no guru – I still eat way too much chocolate, get irritated when my kids don’t listen, choose to sit on the couch and read instead of doing dishes, avoid confrontation at all costs and spent my staycation being pretty darn lazy. The point is, I am doing a better job of taking care of me and listening to/watching for signs.

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Example: I am resting. I am not giving myself a hard time for reading a book or not organizing my closet. I am not beating myself up over the “shoulds” and instead am trying to do one thing every day just for me and I am not calling myself a narcissist for doing it. That is a pretty big win my friends.

So back to the second question: what would I do if I could not fail? I would be a full-time medium, write my book and be my own boss. And you know what, for the first time that doesn’t seem impossible. I have talked about it before, but it was as if it were some sort of dream. This is what I would do if I could not fail. Hmmm…I am not saying that this is what 2017 will bring, but I do know that I am unstoppable. If I choose to go after something, I can. So can you. One person can make a difference in someone else’s life and that same one person can make a difference in their own life, too. Deep thoughts by afourytale…okay so I am no Jack Handey. Any way, I think we are all pretty amazing and unstoppable when we set our minds to it.

I will leave you with this. The last word I pulled out of the word bowl at acupuncture was “divine love.” The truth is we can’t really fail. We are all deserving of divine love and mistakes are just part of the process. The only way to fail is to literally sit still and do nothing at all. So as long as we move forward and do our best some measure of success is always within our grasp.

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So whether 2016 sucked and you hated it and can’t wait for 2017 or 2016 was your best year yet and you know you are going to have an even better 2017; I think for me the point is life isn’t predictable, it can be hard and wonderful all wrapped up together and I will have good days and bad days when it comes to achieving my dreams and goals. So will you. But each day we get is pretty darn remarkable; each moment is a possibility and if we add up all the moments and possibilities and just do the very best we can in each of those moments it can’t be all bad. Can it?

Happy New Year dear friends.

Wishing you all the best,

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End of the year lessons

 

Good gosh that Miss Poehler is dynamite. I really think we would be great friends. She is funny and profound and God love her those are my two favorite things in a human. But unfortunately this post isn’t about Amy Poehler, it’s just about what her words inspired me to write. Just warning you so you aren’t disappointed.

I figured it was high time I share what I am learning about over here in afourytale land. Maybe what I am learning is something you can relate to as well.

Get creative…

We have a great place in my town that let’s you paint pottery and they glaze it for you; Green Glaze Pottery. If you haven’t been it is well worth a visit to check out for an hour or two and the family that runs it is wonderfully kind and helpful. I am sure if you are in a different town that you have a place like it. We have been a couple of times and even had Dana’s birthday party there. It is one of my favorite places. Everyone of us has fun there. Well four of the six of us do and that is a pretty good success rate. Creativity is the expression of your soul. Plus the cup I made wasn’t too shabby. Being creative just makes you feel better. Period.

 

Go camping in December…

It may seem odd, but if you live in California I don’t see why you can’t go camping in December. And I am sure you can in other places, too. We sure had a great time. We found an oasis of forest right outside of the city and as Zach said, “we hit an animal jackpot.” We saw deer, cranes, ducks, geese, wild turkeys and woodpeckers.

We also bundled up and grabbed our umbrellas and went for a hike in the rain. It was my most favorite camping trip ever! But more importantly what the heck are we waiting for?! If there is something you want to do, go do it; time is short. Don’t wait for the perfect time, just go do it. As Miss Amy Poehler says, “Great people do things before they are ready.” I am pretty sure she is some kind of genius I tell you that. And if any of you all out there know her can you let her know that for me. I am sure she already knows it, but it’s nice to hear things like that, you know?


Be silly and let your kids take pictures…

This is a lesson I often forget and have to be reminded of from time to time. I take myself too seriously…I know shocking. But this year there were lots of moments for me to look back on where I was silly with the kids. I hope they remember these times.

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If you have an Amazon Alexa pretty please ask her to tell you a joke. My kids figured this out the other day and she is pretty hilarious. For example: What do you call a small fortune-teller that is hiding from the police?

Wait for it…

A small medium at large! Come on that’s clever and funny.

Plus Alexa tells funny short bed time stories with your name in it. Check them out. So much silly fun.

And to top that off let your kids take pictures. We now have 57 pictures of the boldest turkey I have ever met. Colby could not stop taking pictures of this turkey that stopped by our trailer any time we were cooking something. But he is so proud of those photos.

Stop apologizing…

Son of a nutcracker I wanted to make sure I did more Christmas-y stuff with my kiddos this year. Stuff like…

OR

OR even as simple as this…

But I have only wrapped a third of the gifts, stuff was still arriving from Amazon yesterday and we don’t even have a Christmas cookie in this house.

Heck, I wanted to lose 25 pounds this year and keep the house clean and tidy. Shoot, I started aiming lower and just hoped to keep up with the laundry. But it’s today and none of those things are done.

And I have this hideous habit of apologizing for everything even the stuff I didn’t do. Like being sorry I didn’t make the Christmas crafts or get my Christmas cards out.

We can’t keep apologizing because it focuses on the shoulds. I am not sorry I have rested this past six weeks. I am not sorry, I am not sorry, I am not sorry.

Instead of saying I am sorry – say I am kind, silly, smart, rested, creative, growing, learning, playing. Whatever else that positively fills in the blank after I am, say that instead. “I am sorry” is defeating. It is shame-filled. Only apologize when it’s necessary; don’t let it be your default phrase when something happens or you don’t get to a task on your to do list. And never ever apologize for something you feel.

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Miss Amy, I am learning not to be sorry, but to be comfortable. This 38-year-old, flabby skin is starting to feel just right these days. Okay, okay not the flabby part, but I am working on it. Any way, get creative, don’t wait to do fun stuff and stop apologizing. And that my friends is a great bunch of things to get yourself for the holidays. No need for Amazon Prime, wrapping paper or paper mache. You are welcome.

Happy Holidays,


P.S. I know some of you are wondering where the holiday cheer posts are. I decided this year to do one big post and it is coming. We have two more gifts to deliver. Once those are done I will write it. Everything else has been delivered and well received I assure you. Thank you to all who contributed.

 

 

I still suck at small talk and other things I probably shouldn’t write out loud!

So I am back on the kinder party circuit. You know the parties where parents stay and mingle while the kids party. Yep; that kind of party. As I watched my kiddos bowl yesterday I struggled with small talk. I did better mind you; I actually sought a couple of people out and chatted, but each conversation lasted two minutes at most because after “Hi, how are you?” I have nothing left in the tank. Instead I have to hold my tongue. My mouth and heart want to discuss Aleppo, the epidemic of parents who have forgotten to teach their children respect for authority, and how do we find a way to quell a nation of entitled youth.

See, I suck at small talk.

So my kids had a blast at the party and that is why I was there anyway. Sometimes, I just feel bad that they are learning social skills from an awkward introvert.

We leave that party and head to a Christmas gathering with our friends. We have all been friends since college, husbands and wives, but the other three couples had children six years behind us; live in the same city; and their kids attend the same prestigious private school. I on the other hand, have a child taller than me with a deep, rich voice and my youngest kids are older than most of their oldest kids.

They can socialize about what is going on at the school and have common interests and I still don’t fit in among people I should. While they talk about picky eaters and where they buy their kids clothes – I can’t even relate. I hear myself say, “I buy clothes at Children’s Place and Target because the kids grow too fast and are too hard on their clothes for me to spend a lot of money on them.” And the looks on the faces when I say that are like I am some kind of whackadoodle and maybe I am, but it makes me feel old. I remember caring about that stuff when my oldest was four and my youngest was almost two. I remember buying GAP clothes and worrying about them not eating their dinner. Now with four kids aged six and over I know they have to eat some of their dinner or they don’t get anything else that night; that they will live and most of the time don’t even remember that the struggle over dinner ever happened. I have learned that we care way more about brand when that is of so little importance. What really matters are that our children are clothed, fed and loved.

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See I let my kids dress themselves. This is how we roll to school.
And now I can’t really complain about private education anymore either. I used to think when people paid for private school they were paying for status. On top of that, I truly believed public education was just as good as private. In some places I still believe that is true. But alas, after my daughter was choked by a boy at school to the point where she couldn’t breathe; enough was enough. What was so sad to me was the teacher was so desensitized to the actions of this young boy she just asked my daughter to document the incident and nothing else came of it. Her teacher was so used to that boy’s behavior she didn’t even think it worth mentioning to me. This was the last straw in a sting of incidents spanning a year and a half. We knew she needed a safer place to learn.

We toured a private school and decided to send her there. She starts after the break and I feel like a weight has been lifted. She is finally going to be in a classroom where the students respect the teacher and are excited to learn. That I have to pay an arm and a leg for that still makes my stomach churn, but she needs a safe place to thrive.

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This girl deserves her best chance. All kids do.
Hmmm…what else is running around in my head these days that you don’t want to hear about…well you may not get a Christmas card from us this year. Yep; I have been late in the past, but I am not even close to getting started this year and Christmas is Sunday. You might get a Happy New Year card instead. It isn’t that I am feeling Bah Humbug toward Christmas; even though this post probably sounds that way; it is more that I am feeling like I just wanted to slow things down this year and savor Christmas. To really hunker down and feel the Spirit of the Season and it got away from me again. I am not finished with the shopping or the wrapping and it is a week away. None of the Spirit of the Season stuff happened. And I guess I am struggling with traditions a bit and what I would like Christmas to look like and what actually happens.

Maybe it is just that my oldest son only has six more years in this house with us before he goes off to college and while that seems like a good while the first twelve of his life have happened in a blink and even though I have tried to savor it; it is flying by faster than I can catch it.

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This is as close as we get to a family picture these days

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Yep nose picking shenanigans
I know I am writing about first world problems here when much bigger world problems take precedent, but when these nonsense, first world problem words started to flow through my brain I just had to write them down. I just had to think about something else for a brief second. I think that is really why I feel like Oscar the Grouch. When innocent women, men, and children are being killed and no one is stopping it you just feel helpless and when you feel helpless and sad sometimes I think it manifests itself into anger and I am just angry that we live in a world where yet another holocaust can happen and the people with the ability to stop it can’t or won’t. So I thought maybe my first world, nonsense spewing would relieve some of that distress and Oscar-ness. Maybe that is the real reason I can’t whip up the Christmas card; I can’t send out a smiling happy picture of my children when in their faces I see the safety, love and security that all children should feel in the world and yet so many don’t have access to it. It breaks my heart into so many pieces I can’t complete the task.

And that my dear readers is a whole lot of junk I probably should not write out loud, but did any way because that is what I do. I do things any way.

Love your people tight and if you can love other people’s people tight, too. And teach your little people to love other people’s people. I know that is a whole lot of people, but that is what there is…a whole lot of people and all of them need love.

Until next time,

2016-09-11_0905

 

The time when acupuncture broke me

So I have been going to acupuncture for the past few months. It has really helped me. I know some people think it is whack and that I should probably see a real doctor, but after years of seeing doctors with no avail; I followed my soul and it led me to Anna. Plus, I am beyond what people think. I know this is working and I am all over people thinking I am crazy. Crazy is my jam.

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Ahnna is amazing. She is sweet and smart and best of all she listens to every word I say and she believes me.

Each time, I have gone something miraculous has happened. A little piece of me keeps getting put back together. The first time she truly set my energy right; I felt lighter and more centered than ever.

A few appointments later we talked about healing and how to make sure that I am also taking care of myself. Anna shared with me the work of Florence Scovel Shinn. Florence lived in the early nineteen hundreds and was a teacher and healer of sorts who prescribed words to people. You heard me right; she prescribed words. See crazy is my jam. Prescribing words is so simple and so right on the money.

Florence felt that what you put into the world came back to you – if you ask you shall receive. Sound familiar? There have been many before and after her that shared that same philosophy. Regardless, I think it is pure genius. Getting back to Anna, she incorporates Florence’s thought into her practice and has a blessing bowl filled with words that patients/clients can take on their way out.

Like I said we had been working on me taking better care of me during my session and on my way out, Anna said, “Don’t forget take a word.”

So, I reached in my hand and pulled out a word. Turned out it was just the word I needed – ‘beautiful’. That was the beginning of a transformation in me.

At the next appointment we did some serious energy cleansing. I know this will sound crazy, but she truly cleaned out all of this heavy weight I had been carrying in regards to being a medium.

Even though I believed in my gift at each of the reading appointments I went to I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop for the jig to be up; I guess maybe I didn’t feel deserving of the gift and that at some point it would be taken away. On top of that, I always felt the need to prove to people what I did was real and well there just isn’t an exact science to mediumship.

While she worked, Anna talked about the history behind mediums, healers, and empaths and how those people, especially women, were persecuted throughout history and even killed for using their gifts. She felt that I needed to let go of all that history and weight. She kept saying it was okay for me to do what I did and that I needed to be comfortable with it. I didn’t need to carry the past burdens of other women like me with me to each reading any more. Something inside me snapped. I wouldn’t fully understand until later what exactly, but I left that day and pulled the word ‘faith’ from the blessing bowl. I clutched it tight in my grip because my intuition sensed I would be needing it.

That was one rough week, none of my readings went well. My sales job had some huge surprises I hadn’t expected. I was trying to navigate those hurdles and feeling overwhelmed. I was emotional and more exhausted than I had been in some time. Something had to give. By the end of that week I was closing down my medium business and choosing to focus on my family to rein it in an attempt to slow my life down.

What also happened in the time between then and my next appointment seemed ordinary, but I think it was another message whispering, yep you are on the right path.

I became obsessed with Fixer Upper on HGTV. We were able to watch the show as a whole family and it was just so wholesome and authentic. Two things that soothe my soul. During those few weeks, I received an email about The Chip and Joanna Gaines Story being on audible and I bought the book. It was great because we all listened in the car and Chip and Joanna read the book. I was moved to tears more than once. Not that anything that was happening to them was happening to me, but so much of what they were reading aloud hit home.

One of the main chords of the book is Joanna listening to her intuition and always choosing to put her family first. Another way the universe is letting me know I made the right choice. And I kid you not, I finally got to the dentist after skipping several appointments and what was on TV in the room they took me to, Fixxer Upper.


I know I seem to be talking about two different things, but I am not. We are given little messages each and every day and my messages keep intersecting. So the other day when I went to my acupuncture appointment I explained to Anna how I thought my last appointment broke me, but in a good way. She obviously didn’t like that at all. But it had. It broke my misconceptions about myself. The last remaining threads that were holding me back from true joy and happiness were severed and I ended up making choices that helped me choose me and to see my life for its successes and strengths. To help me see myself as beautiful and full of faith. To really center myself and get back to being who I was and focus on that.

That in itself is a miracle.

But, Anna still didn’t like my analogy. So we decided that she had found my reset button and put me back on the path to finding my true joy in life. The small, simple every day things that matter most. Taking care of me will help me take better care of everyone else.

Anna sent me away with homework like she always does; she printed a page of quotes from Marianne Williamson. The below really hit home with me, so I share it with you, too.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that frightens us most. We ask ourselves,’Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?’ Actually , who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won’t feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” – Marianne Williamson.

Sheesh, another crazy tidbit I have always felt that I was a part of something bigger that I mattered on a great scale, but tried to shove that feeling deep down. I would always give myself a hard time – “Michelle,” I would say, “be humble you are no more important than anyone else.”

But that is just it. We are all that important. We are all a part of something bigger than ourselves. We all matter on a great scale and how we interconnect with one another is that bigger piece. We all have to shine brightly. Can you imagine what that would look like? All of us doing the best to be our best selves for ourselves and each other? Holy, holy. I want that, but in order to have that I have to start with myself and guess what so do you.

So back to Joanna and her story… Joanna ends the book by talking about how she decided to stop surviving her life and start thriving in her life. Oh my gosh! This is something I say all the time – you have to find your joy. You have to find it and choose it every day. Sometimes you have to choose joy minute by minute. That is just how life is. It can be your darkest day, your darkest hour, your darkest minute and you have a choice to make do you let the dark swallow you up whole or do you choose joy and cling to it with all you have left? I chose joy.

I am choosing to let my light shine.

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What does that mean exactly? I am still choosing my family and putting that first, but I am not going to hide who I am or shrink down in size to heal myself. I am going to continue to shine bright like a diamond (I can’t help it Rhianna has damaged me forever, any time I hear shine bright it now has to be followed by like a diamond) and be my awesome self. Helping others is also my jam. I am going to make sure Holiday Cheer gets off without a hitch and I am going to be more present for my family and friends.

I do think that my path is a forever winding. Last night, I just picked up Jen Hatmaker’s Interrupted and she talks about flipping the way we think and truly being a child of God. I know that I am being spoken to by the Universe. I am listening and praying and somehow all these messages that are flooding in are going to sort themselves out. There are big epiphanies coming I can feel it. Good ones; ones that are going to help fill my life with even more joy and faith.

But for right now the main message I want to share with you is this – choose joy; whatever that is and stop just surviving your life. Do the things you love. I know you have to pay the mortgage, but you don’t have to run yourself ragged doing all the things, making all the beds, scrubbing all the floors, mending all the fences, mowing the lawn every week, whatever it might be that is keeping you from digging into your life and relishing the good parts.

I am also not naive; I know people face real pain every day. People are fighting an up hill battle against disease, loss, pain, grief, or finances. And that can tear you apart and leave you as a shell of your former self. But I have witnessed first hand people in their darkest hour choosing joy, so I know I can too. My advice, you can take time to grab your kids and run out to the front yard to watch the beautiful sunset. You can choose to not lose your cool when the house is mess and instead get everyone involved in cleaning up together – make it a game. You can take your loss and turn it into something worth fighting for. You can take your pain and flip it into helping others. Life can be fun and full of joy. It is all in how you look at it.

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A cup half full kind of girl,

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Holiday Cheer 2016

Four years ago I had a mommy breakdown. I know shocker! But something different happened this time, instead of just stifling it and pushing it inward, I reached out for help. Picking up the phone, I dialed a college friend and she picked up. I laid out the mommy drama that had dropped me to my knees and she listened.

Two weeks later a package was on my doorstep. It was the “we can do hard things” sign I had wanted for some time. It was from her.

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This gift made a huge impact. For the next few days each time I saw that sign my urge to pay that kindness forward grew and grew. It only took me a bit to come up with an idea.

See we are inundated with crime, drama, strife, and pain. It is all over our media print and otherwise. What I wasn’t seeing, even person to person, was the type of positivity that had happened to me. Being a young mom you are out on an island and you don’t ge much encouragement. Tons of advice, but very few pats on the back. I had this idea that we needed to reach out and life people up.

Cheer Day 25

So Holiday Cheer was born. I wanted to nominate 25 people in the community and from December 1st to December 25th deliver gifts to people to let them know that there was a community behind them. The point was to just life someone’s spirits.

I decided to put the idea out there and sure enough I turned into we quickly with people sending in nominations and helping purchase gifts for 25 recipients.

Each year this little fundraiser has grown and grown. Last year we raised close to $3,000 in gift cards, cash donations, and gifts. It was amazing to say the least. This is year four and it has been relatively quiet. This year, is the first year I am a bit afraid that I may not be able to pull this off. I really do need lots of help this year.

We have completed one online party and now have lots of thirty-one bags to wrap gifts in, but we only have a handful of nominees. So if you know anyone that could use some Holiday Cheer then email me at mlmurnin@yahoo.com with your nomination and a little about them and get them on this list. There is plenty of room.

This Sunday is the big kick off for donations. I am having a LulaRoe party at the house. The proceeds from this party will go to several of the nominees on the list. They will get buttery, soft leggings and cute little dresses and for those of you that live close by you can swing by and do some shopping for yourself or drop off your donation. If you can’t make it don’t worry; I will post an online link for that party as well. We will also have hand made scarves for purchase.

In addition, there will be Stella and Dot displays and an online party link for shopping. And last but not least my sweet friend Christy who is super crafty will be selling her hand-made signs. There will be a couple on display and you can leave orders with me for her. She is making five for our nominees currently. I have included some photos below.

Aren’t these gorgeous?! I know. Christy is wicked talented and super sweet. I can’t wait to see the signs that will be given to our nominees.

So what do we still need?

We need nominations of course, but also…

  • Gift cards: Starbucks, Peet’s, Target, Toys R Us, Safeway, Chevron, Barnes & Noble, TJ Maxx, Day Spa, Ice Cream, Disney
  • Activity Books for a 12-year-old boy and a 14-year-old girl
  • 8 x 10 frames
  • Good smelling candles
  • Cute inspirational signs – Hobby Lobby has some right now for 50% off.
  • Fun board games for 4-6 year old boys
  • Anything you think might be helpful – donations are always welcome

If you want to do some holiday shopping or purchase something for one of our nominees you can shop online with Stella and Dot here.

I am so excited to make a difference again this fourth year! Let’s make it happen. Let’s do good and life one another up.

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I thank you in advance for helping make a difference,

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Permission to say no thank you

It’s Friday afternoon and I am beyond looking forward to the weekend and a little relaxation. As I sit in this safe, cozy chair I want to bare my soul to you. See you my dear readers are family and friends who support me. You have come to mean a great deal to me as I journey to find my most authentic self.

Lately my life has felt like a ball of yarn that someone grabbed the free end of and let unravel all over a hard wooden floor. As I have tried to scoop it back up and wind into back into a neat, little ball I have done a great deal of praying and introspection.

Is this where I am supposed to be?

Was not teaching this year the right thing?

Should I have shut down my side business?

Am I making the right choices?

I waited for God or the Universe to answer me back, but there was only SILENCE. But I have deep faith, and I knew God would answer back. So I just kept patiently listening…show me which step is next. I thought of all the ways God could answer me. That is when I remembered my very first prayer on this journey of authenticity; I prayed for friends. God had answered with abundance as he usually does. So I started to think about what I was hearing from them.

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Strung together they may still seem random to you, but to me it was all the answers I had been looking for.

I am going to back up a minute because I think the whole picture is important. For the last decade and a half, which is most of my adult life, I have been preparing for WHAT I was going to be; not ever really focusing in on the WHO I was. See I only lived on my own for two years out of college and the majority of that time I was dating my future husband and just starting my career as a teacher. We were married and in that first year of marriage I was pregnant and preparing for motherhood. We went on to have four kids in the next seven years. I was always preparing to be…

a teacher

a wife

a mother

The twins were two before the haze of my life was starting to wear off. Don’t get me wrong I loved all the moments, but they moved by at warp speed and I was so busy being WHAT I was that I never did stop to define the WHO. Maybe this didn’t happen to you, maybe you had it all figured out. But I sure didn’t.

So when I started to try and find my authentic self to see who I was, I figured out a couple of things quickly. I wanted to make a difference, I wanted to have deep relationships and have a life with purpose. I thought that meant career, home, and self all at once. So I set out to do all the things.

And I did. I performed well at my full-time job, now in sales, but none the less I rose to the challenge of a new career and was executing it well. I was raising healthy, well-mannered, kind children. I had a solid partnership and loving marriage with my best friend. I started a side business that was beginning to flourish. And last, but certainly not least, I was writing. A dream I have had from a very young age and to my surprise people were reading my little blog. Slowly at first, but more and more with each passing year.

I really was doing it all and doing it well. But with so many balls in the air at once things were slipping and falling. Unfortunately, my focus was on the things that dropped, not the things that rose to the surface. I was just noticing the things that went wrong or didn’t get accomplished.

I was running on empty.

It was too fast. I was on a hamster wheel and I needed to get off.

Fear gripped me though. Wasn’t I supposed to fill up my life with the things I wanted? And I was successful, so why pull back? Outside looking in; I had it all. But…

I was in the worst physical shape of my life and nearing an emotional low. How was this happening?I had listened to my intuition and by some blessing or luck I was achieving all of my dreams. But the problem was in the whirlwind of doing it all I wasn’t actually enjoying them. So I have started stripping things down. If something didn’t feel right no matter the public humiliation or sense of failure at the time I stopped doing it.

I needed to put my oxygen mask on first.

Maybe saying no to soccer so we weren’t gone all afternoon was saying yes to the precious down time we needed to re-energize. 

So I stripped it all away – learning the things I didn’t want to do.

I’m still a work in progress, but I knew being a mom was what I really wanted. So I chose to put my family first. I am home afterschool and at bedtime. If my kids need me, I drop what I am doing and make sure they get what they need.

I am also putting me first. I am trying to find my way back to running. I am writing again. I have made overdue dentist and doctor appointments and am trying acupuncture to put myself back together again.

I am also taking stock in my success. My mediumship gift is just that a gift. It belongs to me and God will continue to show me when and where to use it. If it is meant to be a business again when my kids are older it will be. Just because others are demanding it of me doesn’t mean I have to share or answer their demands. My family and myself need to come first. Each of us is a gift. We must nourish ourselves, too.

I was “fucking crazy” not to like myself. I may be an introvert and run and hide. But I am kind, hard-working, bright, determined, compassionate and contrary to what I said on an Internet questionnaire 10 years ago – I would LOVE to be my friend.

So the last of what I heard hit home, too. I know that what I am doing is the right thing. When I got to hold my friend’s infant son for the first time, I was “glowing” holding that baby. I felt a sense of peace wash over me. God was answering me. Yes, taking the time for my friends and family – this is right.

I can say no thank you or maybe later. I do not have to do all the things all at once.

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So I guess what I am hoping to share with you all is…

have faith…

If you can’t find or see your answers, don’t stop looking for them. Handle yourself with kindness. You have permission to NOT do all the things all at once or ever if you don’t want to.

A wise person always tells me, “You can do one thing really well, two things okay and three things not all.” It is okay to slow things down and focus on the one to two things you really want to do well; the rest will fall into place.

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Mom fail #978

So this past Wednesday was hat day for the boys. Did this mom remember? Nope. No dice. Read the newsletter, too darn it!

So it is Wednesday morning and I am feeling a little pep in my step because BP is able to take both older kids to school and I get to walk the twins to kindergarten. Lovely. It is a good day for a good day.

We walk up to school and pass two kindergarten classes full of little ones in all different kinds of hats. The boys look up at me with funny looks. One says, “What is going on today?” Nothing registers. Not even a flicker.

Upon final approach to their class line we see that every single five-year-old head has a hat on it. Parents are taking pictures. It finally registers. “You guys it’s hat day.” I say thinking that it will register with them to. Their teacher had to have reminded them.

“What?” A little voice says with a puzzled look on his face.

“We didn’t know” A little blonde shakes from side to side and a frown starts to appear.

Crap. Double crap.

“I’m sorry,” I say. “I forgot you guys. Do you want me to run home and get you hats?”

Their little dejected faces give them away even though they are trying to act like it doesn’t matter.

“No, it’s okay,” they both say.

They say good-bye and saunter in with the rest of their hat wearing classmates.

They are the ONLY two without a hat.

Crap! Double crap!

Mom guilt takes over and I speed walk home to get them some hats.

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http://simmywade.tumblr.com/post/26314613653

Now, hold on! Before you judge me let me break it down for you.

Exhibit A: These two boys have already moved schools twice because of me. They went to a different school starting the second week of school and by the fifth week of school were back at the first school all because of little old me.

Exhibit B: I am also one of the only moms that doesn’t help in class because I work I outside the home.

Exhibit C: And last but not least, I am relatively anti-social and don’t quite fit in with the trendy moms so my boys aren’t always invited to the class playdates.

We don’t have to be Matlock to see that I am justified in running back to the house to get those sweet little boys hats.

So I chose to go get the hats. So sue me.

I wanted them to remember that I brought them the hats and not that I forgot them in the first place.

Believe me, I know there are worse things, but mommy wars are real. The movie Bad moms, the new T.V. sitcom American Housewife not so super far-fetched. Maybe it extends it a bit, but it is there. So long story short, I brought the hats. And on top of that I felt pretty damn good about it.

Of course now I am panicking because I volunteered to bring Rice Krispie treats for the Harvest Festival and I bought pre-made store-bought ones; really they don’t want me to make them, but crap were they supposed to by fancy home-made ones?!

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original source: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/AWXNeMs9NG5osfXI60CdehkBxUIs9jiMSqlvaX1xGrZ104kyJghjE1s/

Yeah, first world problems I know. I know, really I do.

Anyway the day ended with mom fails #979, #980, #981 and #982. I mean there are no pictures because well, I forgot it was hat day.

Peace until next time,

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What matters…

In a few short weeks I will be 39. There are always two ways to look at your life…as a success or as a work in progress. A big chunk of my life is a work in progress and I am okay with that.

I went to school to become a teacher. It’s what I did after I graduated from college fifteen years ago. I have two credentials and a Master’s Degree in Education. When the twins started kindergarten I was going to go back to my calling – teaching. I have been in sales for the last ten years and it has provided well for my family, but I thought that when the time came I would go back to do what I was trained to do.

Well this year I learned that I no longer want to be a teacher. It only took a couple of hours in a classroom to remind me of that. I definitely don’t see me teaching in a classroom any time soon.

As most of you know, I also started a side business about 3 years ago. Well this year it was really taking off. I thought that was great because I was helping people. I love helping people. But what I wasn’t noticing was the toll it was taking. Working both day and night my husband and I became passing ships, I was missing a mountain load of bed times, and I was starting to miss family vacations, family gatherings were missed or cut short, I no longer could meet friends or participate in book club, and last but not least I was in the worst physical shape of my life. What woke me up was a couple of rude, unfortunate readings and I snapped. I was done. I never wanted to go out into the night to a stranger’s house ever again to only be hounded or ridiculed or spoken to with little respect. I wasn’t ever going to take precious time away from my family or myself to do that again. You can’t pay me enough to make that happen.

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Original source – http://skinnyms.com/products/3-step-weight-loss-program/

My family has to come first. I don’t want to high-five my husband as he walks in the door at night so that I can walk out. I don’t want to come in late and kiss sleeping kids. If there is one thing that I know is a success in my life it is my family. My husband and my four kids are the most beautiful, wondrous gifts in my life and that is putting it mildly. The time where we are all together under one roof is precious and short.

They have to come first and I must have the health and energy to be there for them, so I took a step back and shut down my side business. A lot of people were unhappy, but I have to put my family first. Their happiness is what matters.

I know I recently wrote about God asking us to go into the dark and shine our light, but I also know God wants us to shine our light into our own families. That is something that is of the utmost importance.

This is what is right for me right now. The world can wait, but my family – my family can not wait one more second. They were super supportive, but it was taking its toll and I won’t let it any more.

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Original source https://www.facebook.com/mentorschannel/

So my 39th year may be most selfish, but I think it needs to be. I am going to continue to work my sales job that I never knew I wanted, but that has taught me more about myself and other people than I ever expected all the while providing for my family. I am going to pour myself into my family and last but not least take better care of me. That is what matters.

I can’t do all the things, but I can do the MOST important things. So I am going to do what matters most. The rest can wait.

Sincerely,

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